News & Politics

Weapons Grade Comedy

While Congress tells us to remain calm, they ditch the Capital en masse and then propose to nuke our mail. Meanwhile, Dan Rather contracts a severe case of anthrax envy....
So, let's review.

Congress cautions us to remain calm. "Don't panic, there is absolutely nothing to worry about." Then they ditch the Capital en masse like rats on fire leaving a sinking oil tanker with grenades strapped to their chests. Thanks, fearless leaders, we are much relieved.

They proceed to test the dogs patrolling the Capital grounds before agreeing to test the postal workers working in the infected areas. You know, I'm not sure postal workers are the first group of people I'd be pissing off. Cue the gooey music to hear the Postmaster General pipe in long enough to inform us, "there are no guarantees in life." Well, there seem to be some guarantees sir, and one of them is our leaders will treat us like mushrooms. Keep us in the dark while continuing to feed us crap.

All closely followed by a General, who, during a briefing on the effectiveness of our bombing raids, cannot distinguish between the "before" pictures and the "after" pictures. "As you can see here, the coalition forces unh, no, this is where we, unh no, wait, wait, yes, this is the "before" picture. The rubble is obviously much more orderly here. Isn't it? Throw me a bone, people."

Over at CBS, Dan Rather contracts a severe case of anthrax envy but eventually his secretary is able to scrape up a couple of microns, which leaves Fox News as the only untainted media outlet adding to the suspicion that domestic right wing extremists may indeed be responsible.

Meanwhile, uptown, Bill Clinton's Harlem office receives mail containing salmonella spores. Oh sure, everybody else gets anthrax, but not Bill. He gets salmonella because he's special.

In response to apprehension concerning anthrax infested mail, the National Health Service dispenses expert advice on how to properly safeguard ourselves against its ravage. "Wash Your Hands." I am now convinced my mother is running the government. Inevitably the next official pronouncements we'll receive will be to "stand up straight" and then "wear clean underwear."

Later in the week, a Pentagon official announces they are soliciting ideas on how to fight terrorism. Hey, I got an idea. How bout we start out by putting some adults in charge?

Finally, at a State Department press conference it is announced this whole assault on Afghanistan thing is turning out to be a wee bit tougher than we first thought. Mayhaps we should have paid a little more attention to the horror stories the Russians were bandying about. And the Indians. And the British. And anybody else who's ever been there. Later on we hear, "not to worry, because everything is under control. There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Oh shit!"

"What? What?"

"Nothing. Never mind. Just be prepared."

"For what?"

"We don't know. Just watch out."

I'm washing my hands as we speak.

Will Durst is indeed washing his hands.