FAQs about Bombing Afghanistan
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Q. Why is our terrorist counter attack being called "Operation Enduring Freedom?"
A. It seems, "Operation Infinite Justice" was a bit too omniscient and held the possibility of offending Islamic sensibilities, while "Operation Who's Got Gum?" was deemed a bit premature.
Q. What is the upside of our actions?
A. Assuring the rest of the world the tragic events of 9-11 will not go un-avenged.
Q. And the down side?
A. Bombing Afghanistan is redundant. The equivalent of re-arranging rocks.
Q. Are you saying the bombing raids aren't as effective as we anticipated?
A. Maybe too much so. It's gotten to the point where we can't tell the before pictures from the after pictures.
Q. Didn't we destroy their Air Force?
A. Which consisted of what, 12 planes?
Q. But our burrowing bombs are destroying their bunkers and runways, right?
A. Yes, but intelligence reports indicate we also may be creating more caves. In some of the more remote districts our actions might be considered a massive redevelopment project.
Q. What are you saying?
A. I wouldn't be surprised to find Afghan men building bogus tanks out of spray painted piles of camel dung trying to attract airstrikes in an attempt to give the wife that new addition she's been whining about.
Q. We're shooting off laser guided smart bombs and ready to eat ethnically sensitive pre packaged meals at the same time. Is this sending mixed messages?
A. Well, we're definitely setting important warfare banquet service precedents. From now on every country conducting anti terrorism will run the risk of having their food drops compared to ours.
Q. What message was Bush trying to send when he told Americans to go shopping?
A. Most analysts believe he was encouraging the country to return to a semblance of everyday routine but I'm convinced he was hypnotised by my wife.
Q. Why did the government ask the media to avoid broadcasting Osama bin Laden's complete speeches?
A. The State Department is worried he might be sending coded messages. Of course a way to really piss him off would be to let him say whatever he wanted but dub his translation with a woman's voice.
Q. Any woman's voice?
A. Jennifer Tilly's voice. She sounds like Marilyn Monroe minus the nagging desire to marry Arthur Miller.
Q. Bush says we should be prepared, but he doesn't say for what. Can he be more vague?
A. I'm hip. We don't want to know much. Just, should we break out the umbrellas or the containment suits.
Q. Will this country ever get back to normal?
A. Not only is it always going to be like this, it has been like this for the last thirty years. We just didn't notice. America has contracted a case of terrorist herpes. For the rest of our lives we will experience long periods of semi- normalcy interrupted by unanticipated outbreaks. And I guarantee you, they will always erupt right before a big date.
Will Durst loves New York but not the Yankees.