News & Politics

DURST: A Look at the Bright Side

The Problem: Spy plane secrets stolen by China. The Brightside: Maybe they'll go bankrupt after paying $600 for hammers and $2000 for toilet seats.
This is America. Whimpering is not allowed. We should take a chisel to the sign under the Statue of Liberty and change it to read "no whining."

We got problems: we take care of them. My parents for example. They made it through the Depression, one World War, two nasty foreign incursions, quadraphonic sound and eight years of Ronald Wilson Reagan. They're as indestructible as a Nebraska dumpling and so is the country that forged them in that crucible of change. As they are so fond of saying, "its an ill wind that blows no one some good."

Look at the recent historical reappraisal of the Ford administration. Who would have thunk? Just goes to show, for every problem comes our way, there is an opposite and equal brightside. And if we as a nation are unable to find it, I will.

The Problem. Retirees and folks on fixed incomes can't afford to pay electric bills.

The Brightside. Think of the money to be made renting out basements to hang meat and transforming kitchens into dark rooms.

The Problem. Supreme Court says medical marijuana is a crock.

The Brightside. Tobacco companies will have to wait a little longer to gain control of crop distribution and freelance pilots still have plenty of employment opportunities.

The Problem. George W Bush receives doctorate from Yale.

The Brightside. An inspiration to trust fund babies, C students and recruiters from non Ivy league schools whose bonuses depend on exceeding quotas everywhere.

The Problem. $135 million extravaganza "Pearl Harbor" expected to hog summer box office.

The Brightside. War movies about to make huge comeback. Can "Kent State" be far behind?

The Problem. FBI loses its director.

The Brightside. The director it lost was Louis Freeh.

The Problem. Giant meteor to destroy Earth in 2028.

The Brightside. Plenty of time to cash in that second mortgage and head to Vegas.

The Problem. Theodore Olson, Bush's nominee for solicitor general, the administration's voice in front of Supreme Court, is accused of rampant anti- Clinton activity at American Spectator magazine.

The Brightside. Olson guaranteed to have extensive experience pawing through briefs and is obviously not afraid to get his hands dirty.

The Problem. California mugged by huge energy corporations to the tune of 10 billion dollars.

The Brightside. Once again, the golden plated state is setting a trend the rest of the country is sure to follow. And then comes food, and then comes water.

The Problem. Spy plane secrets stolen by China.

The Brightside. Maybe they'll go bankrupt after paying $600 for hammers and $2000 for toilet seats.

The Problem. Charles Robertson, mayor of York, Pennsylvania, indicted on racially motivated homicide charges.

The Brightside. Pretty good if you live in York, Pennsylvania.

The Problem. Rudy Giuliani's lawyer announces his client is impotent.

The Brightside. Three words. David Letterman's writers.

The Problem. Gasoline prices expected to hit record levels this summer.

The Brightside. Still cheap enough to crank air conditioning up to frostbite force in convertible with top down.

The Problem. Smoke blankets state as Florida fires continue to rage.

The Brightside. Diminished vision of seniors now shared and understood by all residents.

The Problem. Scientists unite to accuse Bush of policies exacerbating global warming.

The Brightside. Dune buggies everywhere dude.

Will Durst knows its may not be good for the country but the next four years promise to be good for him.
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