Taking the Junk Out of Junk Food

By Mad Dog, AlterNet. Posted April 26, 2000.

It's not easy eating a healthy diet. We spend our lives on the go, work long hours, try to cram in a semblance of a social life, and one day wake up to realize we're so busy we have to schedule time to write things in our dayplanner. So when dinnertime rolls around, is it any wonder we don't have the energy to make sure we eat properly? Especially after we just spent 45 minutes trying to decide whether to order in Chinese, pizza, or just reheat that half a burrito we found under the front seat of the car.

So if we, as role models for the youth of this country -- a thought even scarier than Dan Qualye running for president -- can't eat well, how can we expect kids to? That's why it should come as no shock to hear that teenagers are getting over 30 percent of their vegetable intake from potato chips and french fries. This bright bit of nutritional information came to light in a report given at a conference sponsored by the National Institutes of Health, which is a federally funded group of doctors and researchers who sit around all day dreaming up ridiculous surveys, hoping one will be good enough to make it on the Fox network's new show, "America's Funniest Waste of Money."

So who's to blame for the future of our country thinking three servings of Pringles and Ore-Ida are a minimum daily requirement? I think we can safely say it's a failure of our educational system, as is everything that isn't the fault of parents, Sadaam Hussein, Ken Starr, Hollywood, the gun manufacturers, the phase of the moon, or El Nino. After all, the schools are supposed to be teaching children about the food pyramid, aren't they?

The food pyramid, for those of you who were too busy sucking the creme out of the middle of your Twinkies to pay attention in class, is the Four Food Groups of the New Millennium. Someone, probably the same people who decided it would be a brilliant idea to remake the Avengers, Leave It To Beaver and Lost in Space, decided to update the original four food groups and turn it into a New Age Food Pyramid. Thus, it turns out we're now supposed to be eating daily portions of meat, poultry, and fish; fats and sweets; bread, cereal, and pasta; milk and cheese; yin and yang; and crystal vibrations (which incidentally is no relation to the stripper of the same name).

The problem becomes one of definition. Even the USDA, a branch of the federal government, considers potato chips and french fries to be vegetables, and who are we to argue with the United States government? Even better, it turns out it's legit to count them as parts of two (count ‘em, 2!) food groups: vegetables and fat. All in all, that sounds like pretty efficient eating to me, especially in the case of the fries because, if you're like me (and god help you if you are), you dump a half bottle of ketchup on them, meaning -- hold onto your spuds, Mable -- you've just added a serving of the fruit and vegetable food group too!

This announcement comes on the heels of a trend to serve healthier school lunches, something which is sorely needed since even the USDA is at a loss to classify -- or even identify -- most of the dishes served in school cafeterias. In Berkeley, California they're taking this to the extreme, which isn't surprising for a city which a couple of years ago had a temporary crisis because so many vendors were barred from selling to the city due to having dealings with countries on Berkeley's no-no list that it looked like the city would be unable to buy gas for the police cars.

What they've done is to offer organic vegetarian lunches. This is a good thing, because apparently there are a lot of students in Berkeley whose nutritional beliefs and convictions are strong -- strong enough to withstand being taunted, ridiculed, and beat up daily in the cafeteria. And that's just by the young girls. Wait until the upperclass boys get a hold of them.

I'm not real convinced this trend will spread far. Remember a few years ago when sports stadiums started selling tofu dogs and sushi along with the hot dogs and Cracker Jacks? That healthy food kick didn't last long. There's something about finding prizes in the middle of a California roll that's just a little too disconcerting.

Obviously we like our food unhealthy. And why shouldn't we? It tastes better, it makes us feel good, and face it, it's easier. If food was supposed to be good for us Frito-Lay would be selling bags of broccoli chips and McDonald's would be super-sizing orders of turnip fries.

I think it's high time junk food got the legitimacy it deserves. That's why I'm starting a campaign to get the USDA to recognize that Cheet-os are cheese, corn chips are a vegetable, and Slim Jims are meat. Think of how much easier it would be to eat a well balanced diet! But don't worry, even I wouldn't consider petitioning them to declare Wonder Bread as bread. I know my limits.

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