News & Politics

Look at the Brightside of Dems' Demise

The only thing sadder than the current crop of Democrats crawling on their bellies like spine-damaged weasel toads mewing for total strangers to spoon feed them milk in the dark, is Thai food in Arkansas. But let's look on the brightside ...
There are plenty of sights sadder than the current crop of Democrats crawling on their bellies like spine-damaged weasel toads mewing for total strangers to spoon feed them milk in the dark. I can't think of any right now, but don't you worry my friends, there's plenty. Oh wait, there's the harrowing elder abuse being perpetrated on the cast by the producers of "60 Minutes." That's pretty sad. And Thai food in Arkansas, that's really sad. And, oh! oh! what about licorice underwear? That's sad. Actually, it's more sick than sad. Whatever.

You can't really blame the party for feeling lower than Robert Downey Jr's AA sponsor at being totally shut of power of at least one house of Congress or the Presidency for the first time since 1954. Perhaps all dose Dems need is a different way of looking at their banishment to the Siberian kids table of this political feast being catered courtesy of one Bush family. Or is it two? A fresh perspective as it were. Yes, that's it. All they really need is this boy to coax them away from their cardtables, off their tiny little folding chairs, and towards the big picture window so they can Find the Brightside of life during the 107th Congress. To wit:

Problem: The spirit of bipartisanship has disintegrated into a one sided mudslinging rout.

Brightside: America's children can be enfranchised into following the political process by designating the official bipartisan mascot to be the Tooth Fairy.

Problem: The Secretary of Interior, Gayle Norton, is a former apprentice of James Watt.

Brightside: 20 mile lines to gain admission to Yosemite's Bridal Veil Falls Water Slide sponsored by Crystal Geyser.

Problem: John Ashcroft, Attorney General, the product of a strict Pentecostal upbringing, promises to run the Justice Department with an iron hand.

Brightside: Can always be leaned on by Colin Powell to help in foreign crises by speaking in tongues.

Problem: The National Education Association claims high school science textbooks are rife with errors.

Brightside: Not that many kids can read them anyway.

Problem: The man running the country has at times appeared arrogant and erratic.

Brightside: Doctors assure us the heart incidents were no big deal, and Mr. Cheney is expected to function like a normal human for the length of his term.

Problem: Al Gore has deserted the party and turned to teaching.

Brightside: Those Colombia kids will drive him nuts before half a semester is over.

Problem: Campaign Finance Reform is probably just a lot of empty talk.

Brightside: Campaign Finance Reform is probably just a lot of empty talk.

Problem: The United States Navy seems to be screwing up left and right.

Brightside: Not my watch.

Will Durst went to Italy and all his wife got was some cheese. He is in deep doo doo.