News & Politics

FAQs About the Clinton Pardon Scandal

Q. Shouldn't America be concerned that Mark Rich traded with the enemy?<br>A. You mean as opposed to Ronald Reagan, the PRESIDENT who traded with the enemy?
Q. So, what's the deal with Bill and Hill?

A. Apparently the Republicans are trying to impeach them again.

Q. Can they do that?

A. They can certainly have fun trying. Think of it as essentially the same impeachment, with a short intermission for some elections.

Q. Any ulterior motives?

A. A jaded cynical person might point out the country is conveniently ignoring the stumbling antics of his successor who won the office through a coin flip conducted by HIS BROTHER. Just a simple case of misdirection.

Q. Where are the Democrats to defend him?

A. They don't need him anymore. He has nothing to bargain with, except security guard positions at his new Harlem offices. Hence his colleagues and former staffers are ditching him like rats with grenades strapped to their backs running from a sinking oil tanker dodging kids tossing matches from the pier. The word hubris comes to mind.

Q. Well, didn't he pardon felons?

A. Yes, of course he did. That's why they needed pardons. Because they were in jail. You don't pardon people convicted of misdemeanors. People like Mother Teresa don't need a pardon. Besides, when you get right down to it, couldn't we all use a little pardoning now and then?

Q. But isn't what people are outraged by, is the sheer audacity of pardons for hire?

A. Yes, and few spectacles on earth rival those of a self righteous Washington politician shocked, shocked by the revelation that money gets you access which gets you influence. Oh my God, lawyers being paid to lobby, what next? The Pacific Ocean moist? Arctic camping chilly? Fire hot?

Q. Don't you even think its significant Roger Clinton had a list?

A. You mean as opposed to a fixed address? Never mind. Private joke. Even his most strident detractors admit Roger wasn't paid, because apparently he's an idiot, and nobody on his list got pardoned. To be honest, I imagine folks came out of the woodwork like termites at an abandoned balsa wood factory trying to get their grubby little mitts on one of Unblushable Bill's endless supply of "Get Out of Jail Free" cards. Socks and Buddy had lists. I have a list. I can't get anybody to look at it, but I still have a list. And Heidi Fleiss heads it if you must know.

Q. Expecting a reciprocal display of appreciation?

A. Flagrant.

Q. Doesn't this prove the rich have an advantage in this country?

A. No, really? Who would have thunk? That's the first I've ever heard of it.

Q. What about Mark Rich?

A. See,the whole problem is the guy's last name. If he had been known as Murray Indigent, nobody would have given a rat's ass.

Q. Shouldn't America be concerned with a guy who traded with the enemy?

A. You mean as opposed to Ronald Reagan, the PRESIDENT who traded with the enemy? And then he goes and pardons Caspar Weinberger. And nobody said nothing. The whole attitude then was, "forget about it. Let's move on." I guess Reagan's enemies just didn't hate him as much Clinton's do. Ford pardoned Nixon for crum's sake. NIXON! Don't get me started.

Q. Are you intimating this is another "right wing conspiracy?"

A. Where is most of this sound and fury emanating from? Dan Burton and Bob Barr. Oh yeah, there's your impartial observers. Like having wolves write the rules for a meat eating contest with sheep. And yes I'm calling Democrats sheep.

Q. Why?

A. What is wrong with you people? Clinton is the first Democrat to win consecutive terms since Roosevelt. Why do you think they previously lost five out of six presidential elections? Because they're the only party that positively delights in ganging up on themselves. A Democrat who wants the Presidency has to fight off two parties.

Q. What about all the furniture and artwork he swiped from the White House?

A. What about it?

Q. Could you answer the question please?

A. Yes, he took stuff from the White House. That's what happens when you leave a job. You strip the joint. Its a great American tradition. The Park Service announced all the stuff taken was either legitimate or mistakenly listed. But does anybody listen? No, they tell jokes like, "the only thing Clinton left in DC that wasn't nailed down was Hillary."

Q. Still, you got to admit that's pretty funny.

A. In the form of a question please.

Q. You have any more?

A. Bush's policy is "leave no child behind." Clinton's apparently was "leave no Louis XIV armoire behind."

Q. Funny, right?

A. Yeah, the only problem is, just like the rest of this Teapot Tempest, it's inaccurate.

Will Durst is an ersatz political comedian looking forward to his annual sojourn to the desert to honor the three B's: beer, beef and baseball.