Sarah Palin's Presidential Acceptance Speech (Part One)

Well, hello there! As many of you know, my name is Sarah Palin, and just so excited to be here in Washington City t’day, because it’s all about job-creation and health care and stuff and also, as you know, and so many good things. Just real good, real American things.

But the real reason I’m here t’day, as the American people know, is that something wonderful happened last night -- now hold on there, you guys, just wait a minute, I’m gettin’ to it, I’m getting’ to it, hold yer little horses. Something wonderful happened last night that was God’s will and that’s why it’s wonderful and yes I know it’s kinda sad at the same time so don’t you start believin’ what those liberals are sayin’ when they say I’m, oh I don’t know what they’re sayin’, whatever it is, that I’m not compassionate because also you know what, America? There are feelings here. I am.

When President McCain passed away because of that thing in his jaw, you know that goiter kinda thing that made him look like a hamster storin’ food for the winter? Well, as you know his doctors said it popped inside his head like a big inside pimple, and it was sad for all of us who loved the little rascal even if he was kinda liberal about some stuff but we don’t have to talk about that now, but you know what? God works in mysterious ways, my friends. (Laughs.)

Oh, it’s the craziest thing, but I just like to tease him. Or I did, before he and I, you know I was meanin’ to tell you guys, me and John we talked for a while right before he died and he was just standin’ there eatin’ the homemade Tollhouse cookies I made for ‘im, and I was sittin’ in the President’s chair because that’s what he said, he said “Sarah,” -- and you know I always wanted him to call me that -- “Sarah,” he said, “God came to me in a dream and he said Sarah she’d look real good in that chair, Johnny.” Let’s all take a moment of silence for John because even though he was real short he was a really good man who believed in God and God rewarded him for it by tellin’ him I’d look really awesome in the round office over there in that chair.