Scattered sound and static as House Chaplain finishes Morning Prayer
Unidentified Congressman: “Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker, I can’t find my health insurance card and I need to get more Viagra. Mr. Speaker, can you get me a replacement card?”
Unidentified responder although it sounds just like the Speaker Boehner even though he’s out of breath, admittedly not a good sign for a man just two heart beats from the presidency. Clearly running into the House Chamber after skipping the prayer entirely has winded the man: “Representative Sanford, it was my understanding that since you lost your last health card hiking the Appalachian trail (Speaker Boehner now begins winking one eye rapidly in the direction of the Congressman to whom he is speaking) that you would not be able to get another card unless you paid a $5 deposit. Please see my office about that before this day ends.”
Following this interchange, a bright orange man ascends to the podium at the center of the room to address the august body assembled before him.
It is now confirmed that Speaker Boehner is the prior man in the video. The speaker begins talking. “I’m going to ask that C-Span and the other members of the media leave the room for an hour or so. Who’s got room on their expense account? Will someone with some money on their account pay for the media to go down to Busboys and Poets and have a few drinks? And pay for the democrats to go too if you can. What? Nobody’s got a few bucks left on their accounts. We allocated $573.9 million for our personal expense accounts last term and no one has any money left. C’mon fellas. Sheesh, I knew we were gonna miss Ron Paul, he never spent his $1,353,205.13 on nuthin’. We could always count on him at times like these.”
Groan goes up from the crowd in unison
Secretary Boehner continues, “You know, the Senate still has Bernie Sanders, so they still have left over money for emergencies like these. Maybe if we let D.C. be a state they’ll send someone honest to the House.”
The room erupts in laughter.
But the press, knowing when they are not welcome and long since having donated their spleens to the centers for disease control after the president urged more money for Ebola research picks up their apple products and heads for the door.
Once every last would be Helen Thomas has left the room, Secretary Boehner turns to his colleagues and says, “Well boys.”
A shout goes up from a corner of the room, “Hey, some of us are women.”
Secretary Boehner ignores this – of course – if there were actually women in the room Rush Limbaugh would have informed him so that he could consult the female members of congress on reproductive health issues. Obviously this high voiced man was merely making a very bad joke.
Secretary Boehner un-phased goes on, “Remember when times were good and 43 was here. Remember the really good old days when we’d grab A.G. Ashcroft and old Condi – wait Condi was a girl right? – we’d grab Ash-baby and Condi and head to the white house and hold hands in the oval office and talk to God.”
“Well, my friends, it’s time to do it again.”
A shout from the Crowd (it was becoming a crowd, as the assembled Congresspersons moved down the isle to be closer to their orange leader): “43’s back? Condi’s back?” The person shouting sounded so… what was it… happy! Then he apparently remembered the stash of heterosexual porn under his desk and asked in what instantly became a frightened tone, “Ashcroft’s back?”
Surely if Ashcroft had put a drapery on a statue, he’d have disapproved of this month’s issue of “Guns and Gonads”… that particular Congressman’s favorite magazine.
***Video is interrupted by an NSA surveillance authenticator who asks, “How did you know these things the Congressman was thinking?” A note was then attached to the file which mentioned that once God joined the conversation, which was shortly following the morning’s pedantic and patronizing prayer, NSA could read thoughts at the same time the deity himself began to do so. It was as though the higher power wanted a witness***
With the press absent, Speaker Boehner began to lose his compose, “No you imbecile, they aren’t back, I’m just trying to remind you of when we would hang out together and,” pausing ever so slightly even tearfully, “we’d talk to God.”
Relief is an insufficient word to describe the feeling that rushed through the minds and hearts of many assembled in supplication before the Speaker.
Speaker Boehner took a deep breath and explained, “I just want to talk to God about this Syria thing. I think we all need to sit together and ask him what to do.”
Many murmured in affirmation. A few women in the room wondered what they were doing there but they, like the men, went along. Christianity, after all, is a big vote getter no matter what part of the U.S. you hail from… and if they could actually get in on this God thing, well, that might be worth 4 or 5 points in the next Rasmussen Poll.
Secretary Boehner reached under the podium and pulled out his ladybug pillow pet. He place it on the floor and kneeled on its plush pink underbelly. Many of the congresspersons silently wished they’d thought to bring their pillow pets as well. Michele Bachmann would have especially impressed with her custom-made corn dog pillow pet.
Speaker Boehner spoke directly to God now, “Heavenly Father, please tell us what to do about this Syria thing.”
Just then, lightening struck the empty chair of Congressman Mike Michaud. God used Michaud’s chair for effect. He knew that this intrepid defender of peace who never once voted to fund the Iraq war was off in Maine chasing rats out of the state house.
Speaker Boehner cowered in fear, “Father have we pissed you off… err… I mean displeased you.” Boehner instantly assumed that the good lord had struck Michaud’s chair because the lord loved war, especially holy ones.
Suddenly the NSA microphones were filled with feed back and static. After about 4 minutes the signal cleared and a voice not unlike the recently deceased Joan Rivers tweeked the ears of everyone assembled, “Why are you talking to me in English? If I’ve told you petty humans once, I’ve told you a thousand times, I don’t speak English. I have to sit here with a translator every time.”
Boehner cowered but held strong. “Lord, we know, but the very best language is English and it’s how we prove that America is great, so could you please speak English, it’s really what’s best for the party. And while you’re at it, could you sound a little more like a man?”
Crack! Another lightening bolt. God/Joan Rivers replied, “Look, you haven’t improved one tiny bit since the alien craft put their blood in your water – you’ve all seen Prometheus, right – Noomi, I love her.” Although God Rivers made it sound like she was saying ‘Hur.’
Boehner, sensing he was losing the adoration of his congressional underlings pressed on with impressive courage, “God, look just tell us, should we be bombing Syria. Should we give that anti-Christ in the White House what he wants on this?”
God replied, “anti-who?”
Boehner jumped to his feet. He took his podium mic and shoved it into the speaker as feedback filled the ears of his congressional buddies. When he took the mic away and silence returned, his colleagues stared at him waiting for instruction and advice.
Boehner slapped his hands back and forth with an ‘I’m done with that’ motion and said, “You heard him fellas.”
A lone voice from the back, “Hey, some of us are girls.”
Boehner ignored the technicality, “God told us quite clearly, we have a chance to bomb some folks and the presidents all for it. Who are we to argue?”
And with that the saintly U.S. Congress that prays at the beginning of each day decided to let the president they hate kill some people they’ve never met.
Religileaks transcripts for other great moments in time are available by emailing them. But they don’t supply the address, just think about them, they’ll contact you.