Why Do We Need to Talk About the Female Orgasm?

By Susan Crain Bakos, Sexy Prime. Posted September 4, 2008.

"I'm so tired of orgasm how-to articles in women's magazines," a friend whined. She'd just read "The Truth About Orgasms" on the Sirens magazine website and agreed with one respondent who basically said: Enough already. "Having an orgasm is no big deal. Why do women have to 'learn' how to do it?"

Like the "enough already" writer, she has vaginal orgasms, something less than a third of women do experience.

Sweetie, orgasm is "no big deal" for you and for some other women -- but for many, it is a VERY big deal. Maybe they don't understand their own bodies or know how to reach orgasm. Maybe they didn't masturbate in adolescence because they internalized those family, church and societal messages repressing female sexuality and tying orgasm into "sexual awakening," i.e. the male touch/kiss/thrust. Maybe they are on antidepressants, suffered sexual trauma, are dealing with anger and control issues in their sexual relationships -- or, if they only have sex after drinking, have dulled responses. (Vaginal rejuvenation surgery can destroy nerve endings -- another reason to eschew the designer vagina.)

Men come from friction against the head of the penis. Orgasm is more complicated for women. On the other hand, we have more paths to orgasm, are more capable of sustained orgasms, multiple orgasms, longer, more intense orgasms. (No wonder men have historically feared female sexuality.) If the average woman doesn't come as easily as a man, she has far more orgasmic potential.

When women have orgasms as easily as men do -- the How To Have An Orgasm article will become a quaint anachronism. Meanwhile, the articles (and their critics) waste space "debating" whether vaginal orgasms really exist -- [Yes, they do.] -- whether or not women should be encouraged to "achieve" orgasm because that makes the quest for an O sound like "work" or "pressure" -- and, finally, Does all this talk about orgasm make women who don't have them "feel like failures?"

We are all wired differently. And it's time we laid to rest the vaginal vs clitoral orgasm debate. The newest volley in that on-going argument comes from Dr. Betty Dodson (a great proponent of the clitoral O) who says that even vaginal orgasms are clitoral because the rich web of clitoral nerve endings reach the vagina in some women.

Yes, the clitoris has an astonishing web of nerve "roots". But why should we be so attached to a theory about orgasm that we need to debate the validity of one path vs. another?

And why should we assume that articles and books informing and teaching women about orgasm (and how to get there) are too much "pressure"? Having sex without reaching orgasm is rarely good enough. I suspect that the so-called "plague of low desire" is simply this: Men come women don't and women lose interest in sex.

It's not that hard to learn how to have an orgasm. Go to my books, specifically The Orgasm Bible and The Orgasm Loop. You will learn how to have an orgasm whenever you want one. That is the essence of female sexual empowerment.

See more stories tagged with: women, sexuality, female orgasm

Susan Crain Bakos is an internationally recognized sex authority and the author of more than twelve books, including the upcoming The New Tantra: Simple and Sexy. Check out Susan's blog at www.SexyPrime.typepad.com.

Liked this story? Get top stories in your inbox each week from Sex and Relationships! Sign up now »