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Sex and Relationships

The Rise of Arranged Marriage in America

By Amy Williams and Amy DePaul, AlterNet. Posted August 9, 2008.


Advocates of assisted marriage say it maintains tradition. Critics point to gender inequities and an unhealthy preoccupation with ethnic purity.
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The sound of laughter can be heard from outside a Los Angeles home as seven matchmakers sit around the dining room table taking notes, shuffling through papers and pitching match ideas over water and fruit salad. Attractive young single women donning ankle-length skirts and long-sleeved shirts sit in the living room, waiting for their turn to field questions from women who want to ask about their personal histories, hopes for the future and tastes in men. The young singles flew in from Brooklyn and Montreal for the opportunity to interview with the Shadchans (matchmakers) who have connections with hundreds of eligible single men.

It's just another Tuesday morning for L'Chaim, a group of LA-area matchmakers, who find spouses for singles in the Jewish Orthodox community. They network with rabbis, host singles events and attend a hand-full of weddings each week -- all for the purpose of matching. "We get profiles and we network with each other," says Rochelle Frankel, a Shadchan who works with L'Chaim. "I say 'I know this girl, she's looking for this kind of a guy' and then we look through our files and we say 'it looks like I've got a match!'"

For many Jews, matching young men and women in matrimony has taken on a new urgency -- a push to rush ultra-Orthodox singles, and sometimes even their modern Orthodox counterparts, to the altar. That's because some Jewish leaders see declining marriage rates, alongside an increasing population of unmarried Jews in their 20s and 30s, as a crisis that threatens the survival of their faith. One answer to the calamity of Jewish singleness that has emerged is a modified form of arranged marriage -- one that is voluntary and relies on the assistance of matchmakers and family.

Jews are not alone in upholding the practice of arranged or 'assisted' marriage in America. Along with communities more commonly associated with this tradition, such as Hindu Indians, the fast-growing immigrant population of Muslims from the Middle East and South Asia are bringing this age-old practice to contemporary American settings -- in the name of religious doctrine. Even some Evangelical Christians are taking an interest in assisted marriage and have embraced courtship practices similar to those of devout American Muslims.

Advocates of this tradition say arranged marriage helps them preserve their culture and resist assimilation and secularization. Critical observers point out that arranged marriages reveal, at times, an unhealthy preoccupation with ethnic purity; in addition, arranged marriage is often accompanied by rigid male-female roles that can lead to gender inequities.

The How and the Why: Meeting Spiritual and Practical Needs

While Orthodox Jews rely on matchmakers to organize nuptials, U.S. Muslims and Hindus pursue arranged marriage a little differently. Often, parents and extended family networks bring together prospective bride and groom for a series of meetings (chaperoned) and phone calls, with participants entitled to turn away potential mates who don't make the grade.

Many U.S.-based Muslims in particular reject a forced arrangement, because the Koran includes a story in which Mohammad spared a young woman from an unwanted compulsory marriage. In contrast, arranged matrimony that is voluntary fulfills the spiritual requirements of many of the world's major religions to restrict sex to marriage, start families and hand down beliefs to the next generation.

On a more practical note, arranged marriage also brings together young people who, because of religious restrictions, have limited means to make their own matches. For example, many highly devout Muslims do not date in the conventional sense, or in some cases, fraternize with the opposite sex.

Similarly, casual mingling between unmarried men and women has become a taboo in ultra-Orthodox Jewish circles as well, and interaction between singles in synagogue, and even at weddings, tends to be limited to the occasional glance across the room. The task of finding a like-minded spouse is next to impossible for many observant singles. That's why, among some Jews, professional matchmakers -- or even close family friends -- have stepped up to the plate to help ease the burden of finding a mate.

"Many years ago if it was a nice boy, a nice girl, a good home, they looked nice -- done deal," says Frankel, a matchmaker. "[Now] there's a lot of separation between boys and girls ... not like 30 years ago when we were just friendly, now you're sort of not allowed to do that. Things are very separate so we've actually had to start becoming matchmakers, putting couples together because it's more official now, let's put it that way."

Anecdotal reports suggest that a flurry of matchmaking groups -- informal and professional -- who charge anywhere from a few thousand to $20,000 and above for higher-profile matches, have popped up all over the U.S. to satisfy the growing demand for Jewish happily-ever-afters. Frankel considers herself a relatively small-time matchmaker, with 200-300 singles profiles on hand, but she knows other matchmakers who have thousands.


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See more stories tagged with: christians, relationships, jews, muslims, tradition, arranged marriage, hindus

Amy DePaul is a writer and college instructor who lives in Irvine, Calif. Her articles have appeared in The Washington Post and many other newspapers. Amy Williams graduated with a degree in Economics from the University of California-Irvine.

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Jesus...
Posted by: Smartcookie on Aug 9, 2008 2:36 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
This is about CONSENTING ADULTS. If the adults consent to it, what is the problem?

Why can't people live differently then the modern hyper selfish, individualistic westerner? Sometimes I wonder if people should just live and let live.

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» RE: Jesus... Posted by: AlexaD
» RE: Jesus... Posted by: Smartcookie
It depends.
Posted by: kepstein7777 on Aug 9, 2008 5:12 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
It depends how good the matchmaker is at picking a match.

From what I hear, the singles scene has become even more desperate and tortuous than a few years ago, despite having the internet to bring people of all kinds together from all corners of the globe.

Putting aside all of the religious stuff for a moment, I think a less formal, secular return to the arranged meeting approach might take some of the pressure off.

These days, unless you are very pretty and well-connected, it seems as though finding that special somebody is painful and demeaning, like standing on a street corner with a tin cup and a sign that says "Will work for relationship".

If we had a return to a more structured approach of your parents pushing their friends' son/daughter in your face now and then, at least there would be something to rebel against, and you would have some experience meeting people of the opposite sex without wandering into the cold, dark abyss on your own every time...or even worse, one of those cheesy singles clubs attached to the Holiday Inn.

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» All the Lonely People - on Craigslist Posted by: strahlungsamt
Welcome to the site
Posted by: Cattylion on Aug 9, 2008 6:11 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The rich people have such a hard time finding dates, the ***Millionaire4me.com***--This dating site guarantees complete anonymity so you can be sure that your potential mate likes you for your personality and not your status in life.

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» POST YOUR SPAM SOMEWHERE ELSE Posted by: strahlungsamt
Welcome to the site
Posted by: Cattylion on Aug 9, 2008 6:13 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The rich people have such a hard time finding dates, the ***Millionaire4me.com***--This dating site guarantees complete anonymity so you can be sure that your potential mate likes you for your personality and not your status in life.

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» POST YOUR SPAM SOMEWHERE ELSE Posted by: strahlungsamt
choosing for ourselves
Posted by: olympia43 on Aug 9, 2008 6:29 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I'm remembering the episode of Law and Order:CI which dealt with a group of "Irish Travelers" arranging marriages for their children. The female detective was tsk-tsking about "arranged marriages in this day" to which the ADA replied "especially when we can do such an outstanding job choosing for ourselves."

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The REAL truth behind it is
Posted by: AMERICAN VETERAN on Aug 9, 2008 6:42 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Some of those women just can't WAIT to become jewish mothers(in law or not).lol

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That little problem of genetics
Posted by: ReallyBearish on Aug 9, 2008 8:06 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
These arranged marrages occur within close religious, cultural, but more importantly, racial groupings. If you follow the Amish that do a lot of "inbreeding", you'll find an upsurge of genetic diseases, some pretty nasty. Marrying outside the "group" may undermine racial purity, but it will also keep genetic diseases at bay.

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» Try living in Williamburg Brooklyn Posted by: strahlungsamt
I'm married to an Indian-American but it was out of both love and kind of arranged.
Posted by: maxpayne on Aug 9, 2008 9:38 AM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Ok people. Let's draw the line. Arranged marriages can be ok IF AND ONLY IF BOTH THE MAN AND THE WOMAN HAVE THEIR SAY. The working class in India and most of the Arab world languished because of the male domination complex and giving women virtually no say and in the end the men also had to suffer. Now, it is true that proponents of arranged marriage will point to higher divorce rates but at the same time hide the fact that arranged marriages also have their share of bad marriages gone worse. As a Christian, I know that arranged marriages, at least from parents, is next to impossible. Let us first REPAIR our severely DAMAGED MISeducational system in America first and make it a priority to teach BASIC INTERPERSONAL RELATION SKILLS to the young. From there, the rest can follow smoothly.

P.S.: My wife was born in America but her parents came from Northern India.

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puzzled
Posted by: oku_haiku on Aug 9, 2008 10:57 AM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Quote:

When singles finally meet each other, their dates are usually brief and often involve frank discussions about personal values, expectations and hopes for the future -- conversations that, in secular dating, might be reserved for first or second anniversaries.

I managed to make it this far before giving up. Perhaps, despite the abundance of genetic trauma, we have a few things to learn about relationships from the inbreeders?

However, I might have to go back and finish the article. Surely somewhere in here there is some substance to justify its presence here beyond a paternalistic issue-taking with the way other people choose to live their lives.

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So What ....
Posted by: gellero1 on Aug 9, 2008 11:34 AM   
Current rating: 2    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
"Critical observers point out that arranged marriages reveal, at times, an unhealthy preoccupation with ethnic purity; in addition, arranged marriage is often accompanied by rigid male-female roles that can lead to gender inequities."

Is there something inherently wrong with that??

Aren't 'progressives' the main proponents of 'multiculturalism'??

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Different methods. Arranged marriage has advantages
Posted by: truthlover on Aug 9, 2008 12:07 PM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Forced marriages are absolutely unacceptable, and no one should have to marry at all. Having said that, not all arranged marriages are entered because of coercion. There are many levels of "arrangement".

If we are talking about a practice of families simply arranging introductions and then letting the potential couple make the final decision, where is the problem?

Usually the way it is done in India is that the boy's parents and maybe other family members bring him to the girl's house. That way the whole family meets the other family. Each can see how the other's family interact with each other, and start to assess whether or not they will be a comfortable fit within that family. It is a very safe meeting, and there is no misunderstanding about how serious it is. The couple may also have a private conversation on this occasion. If that goes well, there will be other meetings, and some may be more like our dates. There is no reason at all that this should not end with the two young people deciding for themselves whether or not to marry each other.

I can see the advantages, always provided that both families have the couple's interests foremost, and genuinely give them the final say, not objecting if they find a spouse on their own or decide not to marry at all.

This system eliminates a lot of the risks of casual dating, of getting hooked up to a good looker who is otherwise totally unsuitable, of date rape by someone who knows you won't be able to track him down, and lesser problems. The potential mate is pre-screened for a certain level of compatibility. It's kind of like computer matching but done by people who know and care for you and are older and hopefully wiser, with a safety net.

Then, of course, the burden of being single and getting older and older while your younger friends are getting married, is not borne by the person alone (this happened to me; it's no joke). For us, the subject is tactfully avoided; for them, the whole family pitches in to solve it.

Also - ever wonder why Indians are way ahead of us in skills and education? When you know it's not all up to you to find a spouse, the pressure is off to keep looking around, spending/wasting time, effort and money trying to find someone and repeatedly untangling yourself when it goes wrong. You can rest easy and get on with other stuff, whether it's your career, charitable work, studying, developing other skills.

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50% of marriages in the USA end in divorce after "true love."
Posted by: veggiegrrrl on Aug 9, 2008 12:08 PM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
50% of marriages in the USA end in divorce after a marriage of "true love."

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Yes, we need help, but must it be done along racial lines?
Posted by: Callibrarian on Aug 9, 2008 1:09 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Help and guidance is a good thing, but I don't particularly care for the manner in which it is provided, which is supposedly via religion but is de facto by race. The article momentarily pauses to discuss race as an issue. Yet those of different races know that when it comes to match making, people are so focused on race that they will pair you with someone with whom you have little in common with besides ancestry, as if race will trump all other issues. They cannot claim this is about religion is they are not willing to look at all races within a religion, i.e., accepting white but not African American Muslims. With Biblical Betrothal, I somehow cannot see white parents accepting a Latino's proposal to court their daughter. We may claim consenting adults are involved, but not everyone has a choice when there is family pressure. And consenting adults are not the same as knowledgeable, mature adults. So I say we continue to help one another, but we should consciously take race out of the picture, even at sites such as eHarmony, which claims it matches people along lines of compatablity, yet in every commercial I see people of the exact same race paired together.

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Destroying marriage is the first step towards destroying the family structure
Posted by: blogbooks on Aug 9, 2008 6:40 PM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
We're half way there with marriage. It will take a while longer to finish off the traditional family structure.

We should welcome the death of both.

Marriage is the subjugation of women enshrined in a mystic rite performed by a religious magician.

The family structure is the root of tribalism and all human conflict.

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» Family Structure Posted by: gellero1
» RE: Family Structure Posted by: maxpayne
Arranged marriage is a control tool for religious cults.
Posted by: yale on Aug 9, 2008 7:43 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Why are so many Americans losing their sense of freedom and joining the herds of lost sheep?

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As Compared to...
Posted by: Lily H. on Aug 10, 2008 5:54 AM   
Current rating: 1    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
the detritus and vast wasteland called traditional
marriage in our culture, this looks pretty good.
Applying the standards of arranged marriages to MY
own experiences with my former marriage, mine would
have been dead in the water from Day One; who would
in their right mind marry off an inexperienced, barely
educated nerdy high-school grad (me), with a previ-
ously married partner who already had a child he
wound up never paying child support to, I, from a
fractured abusive family, he, from a fractured alcoholic family. It was a miracle we lasted 13 years
and spawned two children who are now grown, with one
in a long-term relationship and the other, still
playing the field.
While single, I spent a fruitless eight years between
1988 and 1996, seeking but never finding an even
middling-to-acceptable relationship due to what I
could discern, a failure of males willing to adapt
to traditional values, too many of them grousing
about their exes, but never seeming able to move on.
I finally closed the book on that circus back in '96,
and have never regretted it since.
In a way, an arranged marriage (when young, AND after
my divorce) might have been an attractive option.

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» RE: As Compared to... Posted by: masthead
ba
Posted by: mnstra on Aug 10, 2008 2:02 PM   
Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Should be against the law and that is that.

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a new trend
Posted by: lavender on Aug 11, 2008 11:41 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I think the subject of arranged marriage is coming up more and more as Westerners embrace Eastern thought. LATimes wrote a story on the subject and HBO is even planning a TV show on the concept:

http://www.trendhunter.com/trends/hbo-now-casting-volun
teers-for-upcoming-reality-tv-show-arranged-marriage (will have to remove the space in the word 'volunteers' for that link to work)

website for the TV show: http://www.arrangedmarriagetv.com

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876
Posted by: 876 on Aug 11, 2008 12:57 PM   
Current rating: 1    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Why do you American buffoons consistently fail to recognize the obvious about all cultures ethnic groups etc? You refer to Muslims and Hindus as if they were some small group of homogeneous people. The fact is each nation even ethnic group or tribe has its own traditions. You people just have to group large unlike swaths of people everywhere as the same so you won’t have to cop to the blaring fact that you are the worlds most naïve uninformed uncultured and generally stupid people. There is nothing worse than being accosted by the absurd posturing of a smug American who has deluded himself into believing he understands you because he read an article about a tribe of people two nations away, which happens regularly.

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» Why wont you answer? Posted by: yale
876
Posted by: 876 on Aug 11, 2008 1:06 PM   
Current rating: 1    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Maintaining ethnic purity is an honorable tradition which is based not on a sense of superiority as this author asserts but on a sense of honoring the ancestors and their traditions. As americans whose nations was founded on genocide and slavery and with your long history of segregation and general savagery it is understandable that you jump to the conclusion that marriage within ethnic groups must have a sinister connotation but this is the farthest thing from the minds of most people throughout the world who seek only to keep their traditions alive. Now that americans have finally seen the light regarding the equality of all races they appear to be in a mad rush to annihilate us all through intermarriage and insist on imposing their deranged ideology which is likely based on shame of their history. Who are you people to insist we all live as you live and honor your values? You are an astounding people never ceasing to inspire awe with your self absorbed self righteous pompousness.

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If there is a choice involved, what's the issue?
Posted by: Farasien on Aug 15, 2008 5:52 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Personally, I think matchmakers are fine- given that BOTH parties can say no to the choices. Matchmaking isn't exclusive to ultra-tradationalists. Most people have tried dating people recommended by their friends and collegues at one time or another- it seems to me that the matchmakers talked about on here are pretty much just a formalized version of it.

There is a difference between matchmakers, however, and forced or simply arranged marriages. They take choice out of the matter entirely, and in my opinion, this is wrong and backwards. In my world view, anything that gives us more choices is good, whereas anything that limits my choices is not. If my parents came to me and said 'here's the woman you WILL marry' I'd balk. This leads to horrendous issues for society. On top of the feminist arguments of trapping a woman in a bad situation, it reinforces steriotypes, nails in cultural backwardness and, as in the case of the muislim couple talked about here (and from what I've read, a tradition of islamic culture in general) pairings that promote serious problems. Does it strike anyone as just a little sick to marry (and procreate with?!?!)your cousin? People here in the USA make fun of deep southerners for the this idea. Inbreeding is sick and wrong- it causes accumulation of serious genetic problems. There is a large sect of FLDS whackos in the southwest who have seen the rise of a VERY expensive and deadly recessive genetic abnormality due to this exact situation... Which the taxpayers pay for, by the way- and nobody has broached the idea that maybe, marrying your blood relative might be a bad idea to them even now.

Barbarism, weather its female genital mutilation, in-family marriage or other ideas preported by traditional culture as a 'community good' should die. Things we understood once as cultural wisdom in many cases aren't, and when those rtuals and ideals serve to restrict and reinforce problematic situations, they need to be abandoned. If we're going to evolve as a world society, we can't hold onto the anchors that keep us imprisoned in the mistakes of the past.Its sad that letting these go is viewed as being culturally insensitive. Stupidity should never be celebrated, no matter what the origins of it.

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