Could Cheating Save a Relationship?

My column from last week, Is Cheating Ever Okay? -- the one suggesting that cheating in a sexless relationship might be morally defensible -- generated more comments than any other column I've written for this blog. By a considerable margin.

And based on the content of the comments, it seems as if I need to do some clarifying, and go into this in a little more detail. This is a complicated question -- that's the main point I'm trying to make, actually -- one that I'm still figuring out myself, and it's going to take more than a couple of blog posts to resolve it, even in my own mind. But I want to take a little time to explain what the heck I'm talking about, and address some of the main themes that came up in the replies.

First of all: Lots of people said, "Why don't you just talk about it with your partner? Don't go cheating. If you're not happy with your sex life, try to work it out."

Yes. Of course. I totally agree. It is no fair reneging on monogamy in a sexless marriage if you haven't told your partner there's a problem. I even said so in my original post (she said, trying to keep the peevish tone out of her voice). But apparently I didn't say it clearly enough, or at great enough length, or close enough to the top of the page, and it somehow got overlooked. So I'll say it again: If you're in a relationship where your partner has unilaterally turned off the sex, and you're considering cheating, you have some responsibilities. And one of those responsibilities is to make a scrupulous, good-faith effort to fix the sexual problems with your partner, and try to find a solution that works for both of you, before you go a-wandering.

What's more, you have to try hard, and you have to try more than once. If you tell your partner, "What's with the lack of sex?" and they say, "Yeah, well, I don't think I want to have sex anymore," you can't then shrug your shoulders and go running to the nearest singles bar or online hookup site. You have to make it very clear that this is a real problem for you, one that's making you unhappy. I'm not sure you should necessarily give them an "If you won't ever have sex with me again, I'll find someone who will" ultimatum -- in my experience, most people don't respond well to ultimatums -- but you have to make your feelings clear, and you have to keep trying. Cheating isn't a go-to solution. It's a last resort.

But what if you tell your partner there's a problem, and they aren't willing to talk about it? Or they don't see it as a problem, and aren't willing to do anything about it?

What would you do then?

Several other people pointed out that sometimes people's libidos go through temporary dry patches, due to childbirth or depression or other stressful situations. They argued that part of a longterm monogamous commitment is being willing to accept that, and to accept celibacy until things get better. And again, I quite agree. I even said so in my original post. (She said, again trying to keep the petulant, "Could you please at least read what I write before chiding me about it?" tone out of her voice. And failing, probably. Sorry about that.)

I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about long but temporary dry spells. I'm talking about one partner unilaterally turning off the sex in a relationship -- permanently. Or at least, with no willingness to discuss it or deal with it, and no end in sight.

What would you do then?

And lots of people said things like, "Why cheat? Isn't open non-monogamy a better option?"

Yes. Of course it is.

But it's not always an available option.

Not everyone is willing to be non-monogamous. Or even to consider it. Some people apparently do think that, because they've given up on sex, their partner should, too. In the letters to the sex advice columnists on this topic, one of the themes that comes up a lot is that the partner who's turning off the tap thinks sex is something you do when you're younger, early on in the relationship; that the drying up of sexual desire is normal; and that it's unreasonable to expect or indeed want sex past a certain point.