Can America's Attitude Towards Sex Get Any Worse? (Or, What Happened When My Son Said 'Breast' in Pre-School)

Few topics generate as much terror in America as sex, unless it is sex+children+education. Perhaps that is why sometimes even the most caring parents prefer to let schools (or as the case may be, porn) to provide the instructions. Quite simply, we are accustomed to allowing our children to view violence early on, but teaching them about the science or pleasure of our bodies dampens confidence quicker than a cold shower on a freezing day. We squirm, we deny, we laugh nervously and freak out frequently.

I am the mother of two and a relationship writer, so it is no surprise that I’m often approached to answer questions or offer advice. Equally likely are the more disquieting moments when someone hears just how ‘open’ I’ve been with my own children (by open I mean answering their questions directly, simply and truthfully). More than once I’ve been on the receiving end of an indignant stare, the kind that with one raised eyebrow says, oh-no-you-didn’t-just-tell-your-kid-that.

When my son was three years old, he used the word ‘breast’ in preschool to describe where a baby was nursing on its mother. No one questioned the appropriateness of the comment. No touching was involved, no asking to see or showing took place, but another parent ranted to the headmistress that her offspring was now the victim of premature exposure to the anatomically correct term for a woman’s form.

Called into the office like a wayward adolescent, I said to the principal that if we weren’t allowed to use proper words, could she suggest alternatives that were more suitable.

As it turned out, nothing really. Boobies, teats, ta-tas, rack or bubbles (my proffered snarky list) were a total No-No. Her request: avoid discussions involving anything overtly sexual (in this case, we were only teaching the correct names for body parts) with my son, lest he repeat what he learned in preschool. Furthermore, she expected me to ask my toddler to not use ‘breast’ again in preschool. Seriously. (Score one for the prudes, zero for the children.)

Culture of Prudes

Since we are mostly batty when it comes to teaching kids about sex, the resultant vacuum is that many youth are exposed, out of neglect or deliberate misdirection, to information that is either harmful or false, particularly for girls (though I will discuss why I believe one solution lies in rethinking sex-education for boys).

Blame for these trends gets placed upon parents, schools, public policy, marketing and advertisements, and a pornified media, with parents often being on the defense for failing to censor what their children see while the conglomerates hide behind freedom of speech.

What we face today is a perfect storm: puritanical overtones color many sex education programs; parents are overwhelmed; and policy makers face a deluge of sociopolitical pressures. At the same time rampant and repeated exposure to images, content and depictions of sexuality, particularly female sexuality, is narrow, sleazy or distorted.

Sexual Crossroads

Kids today are often, “indirect witnesses to early sexualization,” through fashion and advertising, says Ruth Neustifter, PhD, a specialist in child and family development and professional sexuality educator. The problem rarely is kids' reactions, so much as our own. Neustifter is an adjunct graduate professor, author of The Nice Girl's Guide to Talking Dirty: Ignite Your Sex Life with Naughty Whispers, Hot Desires, and Screams of Passion (June 2011), and founder of exploringintimacy.com. She’s joined by a virtual army of advocates who know we can’t changed the media, but we can change how we view it.

The American Psychological Association Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls was formed in 2007 in response to public concern on the matter.