5 Ways to Have Better Sex

I won’t lie: Sex has saved me. From myself especially. From going so deep into the spirals of my own brain which could drive me crazy. But when everything is perfect, there is no mind in sex. There is just feeling; just the body, moving, stretching, pulling, reaching, opening, pulsing, listening, taking, giving; just sensation.

Sex Saves

And that’s precisely what I need on days where my mind is racing and I’ve spent one or two or eight too many hours in front of the computer screen, the only sensations being my ass going numb, my eyes getting tired and sticky with lack of lubricant, and my fingertips tip-tapping away at these little lettered keys. I live in my mind. Don't most of us, these days?

Sex has saved me from that inward spinning. Palming the responsibility of someone else's bruises jolts me up and out of my brain and reminds me that I am connecting; I am pounding out ripples with everything that I touch.

But it hasn’t always been this way. I struggled for too long to figure out what I wanted. I knew the sex I was having wasn’t enough, but what would be enough? How to paint myself a cobblestone path from here to there?

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, a natural place to take stock in what we have and what we lack. So that’s my question to you: Do you want to improve your sex life, your connection to yourself, your connections to others? What kind of sex are you having? What kind do you wish you were having? Perhaps you can’t even quite articulate an answer, just feel a bubbling up profound thick YES coming through it all.

Think about this:

1. Figure out what you want.

You can’t do much about getting what you want if you don’t know what it is, so allow yourself some quality time exploring some of the darker, (possibly) scarier parts of your own sexuality. There are plenty of ways to do this, but I would suggest both a) masturbating, and b) consuming sexy media of various kinds.

Many of us are familiar enough with the workings of our own bodies that our masturbation sessions are pretty predictable. And while it’s great having a vibrator that will get you there every time, that can limit your erotic horizons.

If you usually get off with a particular story in mind, or a scene from a book or a particular porno, leave that be and let your mind wander. What will your brain come up with when it has permission to explore? Consider it a masturbation meditation, and commit to going exploring in your own sexual self.

If your brain just doesn’t seem to be producing any particular scenarios that get you hot and bothered, then it’s time to make friends with some sex blogs. If you don't already know your favorites, start with the Top Sex Bloggers of 2009 list. Surf around. Explore. When you find yourself thinking, Nah, not for me, suspend judgment. Read things you don’t expect to like, just to try them out.

And don't forget online porn. Try out some Video On Demand sites, look up the Crash Pad Series if you’re into hot kinky queer sex, or create your own Tumblr dashboard if you’re into pretty photography. The trick is to look things up as research, not just wank material, but to expand your mind with the options and sexy things that are available.

2. Explore genders. All of ’em!

I cannot escape gender in my sex play. I know not everyone has a gender fetish like I do, but regardless, gender is a physical language through which we communicate desire. Gender is also a place that, for most of us, holds intense shame, guilt, expectation, role, and rules. But what if it didn’t have to? What if you could explore it, celebrate it, without all the bullshit attached? What if, by exploring it, you could also heal some of the damage that is often done through our restrictive gendered systems?