Is Adultery Good for Women? In Defense of Ashley Madison, the Cheaters' Website

Despite criticism, Ashley Madison -- a website that facilitates affairs between married men and women -- attracts an unprecedented percentage of female users. Why?

November 3, 2009 |

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Living out in the sticks of Western Massachusetts as I do, there are only about 40 women on the dating site I'm browsing who meet my criteria. They all live within 20 miles of me, and range in age from 24 to 60. All are married or attached, and looking for something other than what they have at home. Few have photos available, for obvious reasons.

There is Jams1*, 24: Well-behaved women seldom make history… I may come off as a bitch, but I know exactly what it is I'm looking for and I always get what I want.

WordGoddess, 36: Happily married to a wonderful person, but need some fun in my life. I want a hot, no-strings affair… Just pure, clean fun, thank you.

Rover69469, 47, has a photo, but taken at enough of a distance to give her plausible deniability. She's a tall, attractive blonde in beach attire, wearing sunglasses, seated on a bench at a boardwalk. She is a carrying a few extra pounds, by her own estimation. On her profile: PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME, OVER 700 IN 2 DAYS, IT'S MORE LIKELY I WILL FIND YOU AT THIS POINT.

Welcome to AshleyMadison.com, home to 4.5 million practicing or potential adulterers. Your host today is CEO Noel Biderman, King of Infidelity, happily married and father of two. Perhaps you've seen him on television. The Ashley Madison Agency, established in 2001, is far and away the most successful and profitable dating company for people who are married and attached, easily beating out the likes of Affairsclub.com, lonelywivesaffairs.com, and marriedcafe.com. According to those who hold fidelity in marriage as among the highest of moral virtues, Biderman is a terrible person. To others, he is the guy who is willing to say what we all think: that monogamy isn't for everyone, all the time. And despite all the uproar over the confessed dalliances of David Letterman, Mark Sanford, and whoever is next on the adultery-exposure circuit, Biderman might be right.

One in 10 married men and women have sex with someone who is not their spouse in any given year, according to the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation. Over the long haul, estimates from various sources say that anywhere from 15 to 40 percent of married adults will have affairs, ranging from one-night stands to long-term relationships that coexist with marriages. Men are still more likely to have sex outside of marriage than are women, but the aggregate data suggest that women are closing the infidelity gap, in every age group.

The secret of Ashley Madison's success has been its willingness to make an unabashed public pitch for the married-but-looking demographic, not minding that its strategy would offend far more people than it would appeal to. In fact, Biderman has counted on offending people; the Ashley Madison brand has been spread more by outrage than approval. He has been browbeaten on the Tyra Banks show. He has had his Super Bowl ad rejected. He has endured being vilified and caricatured as the Enemy of Marriage, all to reach the market that has made Ashley Madison a success: married or attached women who are interested in having affairs and prefer to have them with similarly attached men.

All online dating sites live and die by the number of women they can get to sign up, about 22 percent (800,000) of Ashley Madison subscribers are female—a much higher percentage than other so-called "adult personal" sites like AdultFriendfinder (which is 90 percent male). The numbers aren't as high as Match.com (40 percent) or eHarmony (60 percent), but those sites—in theory—are based on partnering, not stepping out on one's partner.

With an acknowledged extra-marital agenda, it's far easier to get men to sign up for Ashley Madison. The result, Biderman says, is that the Ashley Madison male is "the least choosy" in the dating spectrum. According to Biderman, this non-pickiness is a windfall for women, who have a greater chance of scoring a desirable man. The men on the site "are so maligned (as cheaters), or they believe themselves to be so maligned, that if you could somehow have a scale—let's say they're a six, and they'd usually date a five or six. They are so willing to drop five or six levels for that moment." To Biderman, this is Ashley Madison's best-kept secret. "If somehow I could let that genie out of the bottle… if women really knew how successful they could be on our service vs. any other," Biderman says they'd not be disappointed.

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