Is Sleeping With a Married Man Sexist?

By Mandy Van Deven, RH Reality Check. Posted October 27, 2009.

Written by a feminist academic who had the (dis)pleasure of deliberately being “the other woman” in an ongoing affair, Cheating on the Sisterhood: Infidelity and Feminism explores Lauren Rosewarne’s personal struggles as a willing participant in an illicit relationship that resulted in another woman's devastation, as well as her own. It is a political look at the motivations that fuel situations of betrayal and the justifications one provides oneself from the inside.

Since Rosewarne uses her own life as a jumping off point, the book is tinged with melodrama and a lack of adequate distance for dispassionate observation, which certainly makes Cheating on the Sisterhood a more interesting read. Researchers are often told to strive for objectivity in their work; however, Rosewarne tossed convention aside in an attempt to engage the reader in her meanderings on depictions of infidelity in popular culture, the ways women hurt and compete with other women, feminist rationalizations that allow for denial of culpability, how the role of “the other woman” reinforces traditional gender roles, the impact of consumer culture on relationships, and why infidelity is an exercise in sadism, masochism, and misogyny.

How did you come to write this book, personally and professionally?

In 2007, I was presenting at a conference near where the man I discuss in the book lived. I knew seeing him would be emotionally difficult (he was still living with his partner at that time) and I knew saying goodbye to him would be worse, so I travelled to see him with the idea that I would write about my experiences, that when things were bad, I would have 'work' to fall back on. By nature I am an organizer and I like to -- where possible -- put in place infrastructure which minimizes experiences I can predict will provide horrendously emotional. So I was travelling with books to do preliminary research and the writing of the book became a strategy (albeit a largely unsuccessful one!) of distracting me from the emotional torment of being in a relationship with a man I could never truly be with. I researched and wrote and edited right through to the end of the relationship.

Professionally the case is much simpler. I am an academic. Publish or perish is our mantra!

Was it difficult to divulge personal information that could inculcate negative judgments about your character or politics?

An assumption I made during the writing of the book -- and an assumption that was only validated, repeatedly, afterwards -- was that my experience was very common. While I expected to experience criticism (which I received in spades!) the most common response I received from women was that they had near identical experiences. At books talks and at conferences and through emails, women have told me about how they felt exactly the same set of conflicted emotions and faced the same challenges when attempting to manage their politics.

I'm not ashamed about any of my experiences. I think they're common experiences and experiences that are worth talking about. I not only own those experiences, but I own up to them, and if this gets people talking about topics like sexual politics and feminism, then I happy to take the negative judgments on the chin.

You write this book from a markedly third wave feminist perspective and challenge feminisms that are especially dogmatic, yet you do not always hold third wave feminist ideology in high esteem. What do you see as useful about a third wave approach to infidelity?

On a very cursory level, supporting women's choices on how to use their bodies has united each of the branches of feminisms. Yet, while there might be much agreement on reproductive rights, sexual rights are more complicated. This is demonstrated by second wave critiques of prostitution, for example. Third wave feminism has clutched onto choice really, really tightly -- and I like this. I want choice in everything. I want the choice to make both good and bad decisions. But, as evident in my book, choice on its own is not enough. If we're going to make our own choices we need to take ownership of those choices, and we need to understand the consequences. In order for a feminist to do this with any sense of academic legitimacy, understanding the consequences of our choices needs to be examined by utilizing all that has been offered by earlier waves of feminism.

See more stories tagged with: sex, sexism, cheating, infidelity, other woman

Mandy Van Deven is a freelance writer and founder of the Feminist Review blog. Focusing on gender, sexuality, popular culture, and

religion, her work has appeared in various publications, including Marie Claire, Bitch, Make/Shift, and The Women's International

Perspective. Mandy worked for over ten years as a grassroots organizer in New York and Atlanta. She currently lives in Calcutta, India.

Liked this story? Get top stories in your inbox each week from Sex and Relationships! Sign up now »