You May Kiss the Bride: Government Is Still Pushing Marriage

By Amy DePaul, AlterNet. Posted June 1, 2009.

"Marriage is a good thing for kids. But if you already have a child and have broken up, we should not be telling you to hurry up and get married to someone else," Cherlin said.

He added that countries where marriage is not as highly venerated as in the U.S. still manage to foster stable family lives -- and that stability is as important a message as matrimony.

"Here’s an amazing statistic: A child living with married parents in the U.S. has a higher risk of seeing his parents break up than a child living with unmarried parents in Sweden," Cherlin said. "There’s a danger in making marriage the only emphasis in our family policies."

One danger is in focusing on marriage at the expense of thinking about divorce.

"You cannot avoid the fact that people are divorcing and remarrying," said Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, A History. Couples who call it quits but are still trying to raise children need relationship guidelines, too, she said. "People today enter a variety of caregiving relationships, and we need to pay much more attention to strengthening their ability to keep the commitments they make or exit them in less-destructive ways when they do exit."

Marriage Momentum?

Even without federal support, there is evidence that the "marriage-education movement," as its leadership prefers for it to be known, is a gaining momentum. For example, the military is offering marriage education to soldiers at an unprecedented scale, in part to respond to rising divorce rates that are believed to be the result of multiple deployments.

Another sign of interest in improving conjugal bliss is the movie Fireproof, about a struggling marriage, with a heavily Christian message. Fireproof was the most successful independent film made in 2008. And in November, when a Texas pastor challenged married couples in his church to have sex for seven consecutive days, he made national headlines.

Meanwhile, an annual convention sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, while expecting a lower turnout because of the economy this July, has drawn as many as 2,700 attendees in recent years. This year features 176 presenters; sessions range from "Strengthening Marriage in the Black Community" to "Sex and Romance in the Biblical Marriage" to "Divorce Reform Legislative Strategies," along with classes on marriage skills, fidelity and parenting. Other sessions discuss the role of marriage-education programs in workplace wellness initiatives and health care reform efforts. (The topic of gay marriage is not on the conference agenda, and the coalition does not take a position on it.)

The coalition is a grassroots movement and not a recipient of federal aid. Its director, Diane Sollee, said marriage education is not rooted in religion but rather research into the best practices of successful couples. Further, she said, there is ample evidence that marriage is linked to better financial and physical well-being.

Not everyone is convinced, however. Census data show that people are marrying in declining numbers and out-of-wedlock births are rising, despite research findings that Americans continue to hold marriage in high regard.

"Marriage has become a powerful symbol of leading a successful personal life in America. But we evaluate our marriages in personal, individualistic terms," said Cherlin. "And we feel justified in leaving if we’re unhappy."

The question is whether a government pro-marriage campaign can dissuade people from leaving, while getting more people hitched and happy about it -- and whether it’s appropriate to try.

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Amy DePaul is a writer and college instructor who lives in Irvine, Calif. Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post and many other newspapers.

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