How to Talk to Teens About Sex

Remember Baby Jessica, the little girl who fell down a well in West Texas in the fall of 1987? That was in Midland, home of George and Laura Bush. Midland also happens to be the more developed, more sophisticated big sister to my hometown of Odessa, separated by just fifteen miles, down a very dusty and very empty highway. Shortly after Jessica's ordeal made national headlines, my hometown gained its own notoriety -- not as an all-American town where presidents and heroes are born but rather as a racist, backwards place. The book Friday Night Lights was about football -- the players, the coaches, the rivalries, the community, a peek into the lives and dramas of these characters. I was there. I witnessed the events and knew the people. I grew up in that town and went to school with the children of my parents' schoolmates. I marched in the band and attended every football game. But that book was not my story.

My story and the real story of my peers unfolded not on a football field, in a locker room, or in a classroom, but in parked cars and empty fields, in malls and dance clubs. This story is about making out, having a good time, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk, staying out late, and having sex. It is a thrilling and passionate story about love, obsession, and heartbreak. And it's a common story -- the story of being young in America.

Right now teenagers across the country have quit their summer jobs, come home from summer camp, and put down their video game controls to return to the halls and classrooms of America's high schools. The high school experience is such a significant moment in one's life that countless books, movies, and television shows are devoted to telling these stories, and tens of thousands of adults spend millions of dollars every year in therapy either working through the trauma of high school or trying to get past the glory of those years. Was it the algebra, history, and foreign language classes? I don't think so. How about band or football practice? Possibly. More likely, it was the feelings associated with budding sexualities, new romances, and experimentation, and memories of breaking free from the binds of childhood toys and playmates.

Much has changed in the world over the past couple of decades -- new technology, threats of terrorism, expanding media and globalization -- all of which have had major impacts on sexuality and the ways in which we experience our individual sexualities. At the same time, the interpersonal and intrapersonal experiences of my teen years two decades ago are still as common, thrilling, and obsession-creating as football continues to be in West Texas. As the saying goes, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Just as it was during my high school years, teens continue to develop and explore their sexual and gender identities and experiment in romantic and sexual relationships with very little or no guidance from the more experienced adults in their lives.

In fact, despite all the advances we've made since I was a teenager, sexuality education today has actually taken a step backward. In this age of abstinence-only-until-marriage "sex" education, middle and high school teachers are mandated to teach that pre-marital sex can and will keep them from attaining success in school, careers, and relationships and prevent them from achieving the greatest pursuit of all, happiness in their lives. Teachers who are not comfortable teaching about compulsory heterosexual marriage as a prerequisite for sexual activity often remain silent, fearful of losing their jobs. Those that do brave the waters of sex education are not allowed to discuss the healthy benefits and pleasurable aspects of responsible sexual activity, which include using condoms and contraceptives, communicating with romantic partners, and negotiating sexual behaviors. Rather, they are told to encourage their students to take vows of abstinence and make promises of waiting until their wedding night to engage in any type of sexual activity. Could it be possibly as simple as just waiting to have sex? If so, why does research continue to illustrate consistent percentages of teens becoming sexually active during high school decade after decade?