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Welcome to the Masturbate-a-thon

You will never be rejected by your own hands, so celebrate National Masturbation Month.
 
 
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Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? It was originally declared in 1995 by Good Vibrations -- a San Francisco shop specializing in sex toys, erotic books and adult videos -- after Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders was fired by Bill Clinton for responding to a question about masturbation at a UN conference, “I think that is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught” in the context of sex education classes. Ironically, the president never had intercourse with Monica Lewinsky, but rather, she testified, after she performed incomplete fellatio, he would masturbate into the sink in the Oval Office bathroom, not to mention ejaculating onto her blue dress.

As National Masturbation Month evolved, Good Vibrations added aspects such as the Masturbation Hall of Fame, lists of euphemisms for masturbation and places to do it, and eventually, in 2000, the Masturbate-a-thon was launched by the store’s staff sexologist, Dr. Carol Queen and Robert, her life partner and co-founder of the Center for Sex & Culture. In 2012, Carol’s favorite moment occurred at the “Greatest Distance Ejaculated” competition when challenger Punk Nine broke the record by shooting his semen 13 feet. He had practiced by ejaculating into the Pacific Ocean.

“There was also a female contestant,” Carol informed me, “and she did not go quite as far, but that might be because so much of her [squirting] went up in the air. Her boyfriend compared her to the Bellagio fountain, which is certainly a romantic and flattering thing to say to a lady.”

In 2011, because the Center for Sex & Culture was moving to a new location and there wasn’t as much space for the Masturbate-a-thon, Carol announced, “We are inviting women to attend on Saturday evening, plus couples. We’ll have part of the room blocked off for women only, and those who want to can also mingle with the couples. On Sunday afternoon, a men-only area will share the room with a men-plus-couples area. What about trans-identified folks? Please be welcome at either or both. If space allows, a voyeur section may also be included.”

At a previous Masturbate-a-thon, which lasted from 10 a.m. to midnight. the “Longest Time Spent Masturbating” champion, Masonobu Sato, who flew in from Japan for the occasion, also achieved a world record, jerking off for over 9 hours. “The then-current record-holder was there to defend his title,” Carol observed, “and that guy did a lot of Tantra, so he was a fierce opponent.”

However, in view of “GIF porn”—online compressed images in 5-second video looped-clips—who knows, in the age of shrinking attention span, maybe this year the Masturbate-a-thon will feature the “Shortest Time Spent Masturbating” competition. Suddenly, premature ejaculations have become something to be proud of. Just try not to come on your iPhone while you’re driving, or Siri will scold you.

Pornography has always served as “Masturbation Helper.” During the trial of fertilizer salesman Scott Peterson, the prosecutor presented evidence that, three weeks after Peterson’s wife Laci disappeared, he added a couple of hard-core porn channels to the programming on his satellite dish. Defense attorney Mark Geragos called this “as great a form of character assassination as I don’t know what,” although his client was on trial for the murder of his wife and their unborn child.

Gonzo sex writer and educator Theresa Reed, also known as Darklady, organized and promoted the first Masturbate-a-thon in Portland, Oregon. Her invitation stated: “Our special location will be revealed when you join the elite Benevolent Society of Masturbators. Come dressed erotically and patriotically.” The party had a patriotic theme, “Masturbate Your Way to Freedom.” The logo was an American Eagle clutching a vibrator and a tube of lube.

The event--benefiting the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, the Center for Sex & Culture, and Planned Parenthood -- featured free food and drinks, condoms and lubrication, DJs and live bands, strippers and porn stars, door prizes and streaming video on the Internet. The Thrill-Hammer Orgazmatron machine provided participants with a popular competition. The woman who rode it the longest became the winner. She was crowned Miss Masturbate-a-Thon and presented with a beautiful tiara, matching the afterglow of multiple orgasms galore -- yet another competition.

“We held the party at the wonderfully pro-sex space at Ascension Dungeon,” Darklady told me, “and had some of the most agreeable and competent security folks I’ve had the privilege to work with. I was very impressed by the enthusiastic turn-out and the innovating things people did. One man brought a pyramid-like sex swing. Local cable host Harry Lime came along with his camera crew to videotape the Thrill-Hammer fun, and people flocked to both the camera-friendly and camera-free rooms. We had no unpleasant incidents and everyone seemed to have a great time.”

The main room was masturbation-free. Beyond that was a large open space with with the Orgazmatron. “Thrill-Hammer excitement will be broadcast live on the Internet,” Darklady declared, “but the shy and saucy can protect their identity and still get a good internal massage by wearing one of the lovely masks generously donated by Bad Attitude. A modesty screen will also shield the especially shy from view. Please limit yourself to masturbation as this is, after all, a celebration of self-love.”

There was a silent auction of goods donated by local businesses and national sex celebrities. Literature was available so that guests could learn more about the charitable groups they were helping to support. Promotional material from sponsoring companies was prominently displayed. The doors to the Masturbate-a-thon opened at 6 p.m., and the event ended at 2 a.m. Guests had to sign a liability waiver “in case you slip in your own spunk.”

The month of May is not only National Masturbation Month. It has also been designated as Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month. Isn’t it encouraging when different causes can work together with such perfect symbiosis? And always remember that you will never be rejected by your own hand.

Read more of Paul Krassner at PaulKrassner.com