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Is My Vibrator Ruining My Relationship?

I thought my boyfriend would be amused when I ordered another sex toy. Apparently, it was one too many.

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And OK, yes, the blunt fact of the matter is that by design, the Hitachi is going to be able to stimulate in a way that even the most ardent, talented lover can’t. It’s a machine, unrestricted by the limits of the human body. While I’ve read that the Hitachi can desensitize the clitoral nerve endings with prolonged use, I haven’t found that to be true (though I do get more out of it when I don’t use it every day). Betty Dodson, famed masturbation advocate and author of “Sex for One,”  calls this claim “crap.”

“Imagine telling a guy he has desensitized his penis from too many blow jobs,” she wrote.

But even if it were possible for a person’s fingers or tongue to move at the speed of a motorboat, I don’t always want that kind of breakneck arousal from a fellow human being. Sometimes I want the warmth and passion of a lover, whether that means kissing, cuddling, nipple stimulation or oral sex (all of which, I must note, no vibrator can replicate). By the same token, sometimes I don’t want two-person sex. I want to be alone with my vibrator, not because I’m unsatisfied or feel like something is missing in my relationship. I like to lie in bed thinking about my boyfriend and what I want to do with him the next time I see him. I also entertain fantasies that don’t involve him (and that I would feel weird thinking about in bed with him). But the more I use my vibrator, the better a mood I’m generally in, and the more aroused I become, which is what I’d call a win-win. I was hopeful that we’d even use it together sometime – that is, until I learned how much it worried him.

And so, I tried to assuage his concerns, because we all have them in some form or another. Nobody can tell someone else the “right” way to have sex — or to masturbate. That’s part of what makes sex so special. “My using a vibrator isn’t about you or what’s happening between us,” I explained. Sometimes I go a week without even thinking about getting myself off, and some days I linger for hours with it next to me in bed. I don’t know why some days I’m more eager for my magic wand than others, and the same goes for my overall sex drive. Some days I want to tear my boyfriend’s clothes off the instant he walks in the door, and some days sex is the last thing on my mind, but that doesn’t mean I love him more on the days I’m hornier. Sex is mysterious that way.

But I began to wonder if I should have mentioned it in the first place. Perhaps I should have simply ordered the sex toy and kept it a secret, a private daytime ritual to indulge in when he was at work, just tucking it away in the closet when I was done. Then again, I’m a believer in full disclosure. And while it was scary to share those fears, I knew it was the kind of moment that could bring us closer.

After a long, intense conversation, he told me he loved me. “I trust you,” he said.

That’s something my Hitachi was never going to say to me, and whether he got it or not, I knew the difference.

 

Rachel Kramer Bussel (http://www.rachelkramerbussel.com) is a New York-based author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She has edited over 38 anthologies, including Gotta Have It, Best Bondage Erotica 2011, Fast Girls and Orgasmic, is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a columnist for SexIs Magazine, and offers up daily food porn at Cupcakes Take the Cake (http://cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com).
 
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