I Tried Cosmo's Weirdest Sex Tips So You Don't Have To
Cosmopolitan magazine has long been a bastion of weird, implausible and downright baffling sex advice. But with that knowledge also comes the question, “Has anyone actually tried their tips?” With a little nerve, a supportive and willing partner, and a high tolerance for humiliation, I aimed to find out whether these sexy tips would, as proffered, “throw his disco stick a party he'd never forget" or if it would simply involve a lot of embarrassment and unnecessary laundry.
But first, a caveat: I’m dating a woman and used a dildo in place of a real penis for two of the tips (donut blow job and earlobe cowgirl). Since I could not accurately assess whether the dildo felt any pain or pleasure, I did not perform any tips involving “biting,” “volleying,” or “slapping” penises or scrotums. Other than that, the tips were fairly genderless or easy to simulate. Without further ado, let’s get this party started.
“Slip a donut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”
Since I love donuts, I thought this would be the most enjoyable experience to try, out of all the tips. But it turns out that being picky about the donuts you want to put in your face works against you when you want to put donuts on a penis. I first searched for a chocolate old-fashioned—not only because it’s delicious, but also because the hole is often bigger than the ones in yeast donuts. After going to three different donut shops and failing, I settled on a common chocolate glazed donut, whose hole measured three-quarters of an inch (yes, I measured it). I couldn’t blow my girlfriend immediately because she had to go to work, so I decided to put the donut in plastic wrap to preserve its freshness until later that night. This, it turned out, was a bad idea. When I removed it, the chocolate glaze half melted off, creating even more of a mess than I would have otherwise expected from the act of blowing a donut. Nevertheless, after a few sighs, I decided to bob ahead.
“Let’s do this,” I said.
“Because you’re turned on or because you want a donut?” my girlfriend asked.
The dick in question was average-sized and named Obama, because when I procured it, even though I hadn’t had sex in a while, I still had the audacity to hope. My girlfriend looked at the dildo and then at the donut. “Obama’s gonna tear that thing a new one,” she said. And she was right; impaling the donut with Obama caused it to crack in several places and expose its doughy insides, but not enough to rip it off completely.
It was when I got down on my knees that I discovered another problem I did not foresee with my donut choice. Do you know what chocolate glaze looks like when smeared over the head of a penis? I’ll tell you. It looks like shit. Actual, literal shit. The sight of the brown goo oozing over a dick that was wearing the pastry equivalent of a pool floaty nearly made me abort the entire mission. It was beyond comical and gross. To ease the non-sexy tension, we did what any couple would: We took dick pics to Instagram later and then made out.
I got my head back in the game of head by trying a few small licks to confirm that any fecal-looking matter was illusory, and began a slow dough blow, pausing, as Cosmo suggested, to nibble on the donut in between sucks. What the advice doesn’t mention is this: It’s virtually impossible to consume food and blow someone at the same time. This extra work made the dough job last a lot longer than it would have otherwise because I kept having to stop to chew and swallow before I could take anything else in my mouth. There are some, no doubt, who would and could give head with masticated bread in their mouths, but I am bad at multitasking, and given the choice between eating and vomiting, I chose the former.