Sex & Relationships

7 Strange Facts About the Fascinating Vagina

A woman with two vaginas? The oddities of kangaroo reproduction?

Vaginas can be pretty magical, both for owners and visitors, and those are just the garden-variety human ones. There are some in the world that would make Mr. Ripley himself faint dead away with their astonishing and unusual qualities. Behold, eight bizarre stories about vaginas, some admirable, some nightmarish, all of which you will probably throw into the conversational potluck when you’ve had one too many glasses of chardonnay.

1. She’s twice the woman I am.

Having one vagina is enough upkeep. Imagine having two. Meet Hazel Jones of High Wycomb, UK. Before she realized she’d gotten a double scoop of genitalia, she experienced excruciating menstrual cycles, confusion about where to put tampons and embarrassment when she tried to discuss her troubles with friends. After her first serious boyfriend alerted her that there was something unusual going on down there, she went to a doctor and she discovered she had two vaginas.

ABC’s Susan Donaldson James writes that when Jones went public with her unusual trait she found it wasn’t as unusual as one would think. The condition uterus didelphys, which happens during fetal development when reproductive organs are forming, actually impacts about one in 3,000 women. As explained in an interview with Hazel on British television, the uterus starts developing as two tubes and then fuses and becomes one uterus and one vagina. Sometimes, though, the septum between them doesn’t break down, so in cases like Jones', two uteruses, two cervixes and two vaginas can form. She turned down surgery to have the septum removed because of the possibility of heavy scar tissue.

She also turned down an offer from porn company Vivid Entertainment to star in an adult film for $1 million. That said, she’s not shy to talk about her condition, which she called a “great ice-breaker at parties.”

Dare you to try it at your next office birthday party. Who’s gonna check?     

2. Fill ‘er up.

In fairness to Karin Mackaliunas I can understand why she stored an impressive 54 bags of heroin in her vagina. It’s tradition. Body cavities are where people can hide illegal drugs

The real brainteaser is why did she store anything else up there? Julie Gerstein of New York Magazine reports that Mackaliunas, of Scanton, PA had been suspected of a burglary and was taken into custody after she crashed her car. Mackaluinas “began feeling the sting" of all those tiny bags, and “After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters,” read the police report, “Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.” 

Gerstein writes that in addition to the 54 bags of heroin, Mackaliunas also had used Vagi-Store to hold 31 empty heroin bags, eight unspecified prescription pills and “$51.22 in cash and change.” 

Change? Change isn’t illegal. Why would you secret it up there like a hot Picasso? It seems especially mad if you’re on the run. Change jingles. Wouldn’t it let people know you were coming? In any sense of the word? 

3. Long Duck Dong.

As I write this story I’m looking out a window at a lake where I can  see a couple of ducks cooling off on a sweltering afternoon. You’d never guess they are engaged in a genital arms race.

That analogy has been employed in the spellbinding world of duck reproductive organs which are almost as twisty and turn-y as the season of Lost that made me quit watching the show because it was too much work. Duck penises, writes Tim Barribeau of io9, are an astonishing 20 cm (almost 8 inches) long—about a third of their body length—and they  boi-oi-oing out in less than half a second. Msles sometimes force sex on the females. Females countered this by evolving a screwy clockwise vagina that’s full of rollercoaster twists, turns, and dead ends, reports World Science and Yale University. This way females pretty much cockblock their attackers from being the fathers of their offspring. Barribeau reports, “most forced copulations don’t result in fertilization.”

But don’t take my word for it. Let Isabella Rossellini tell you all about it. She is, after all, the only woman in the world who can dress up as a duck, a bed bug or an earthworm and not lose an iota of dignity.

4. Vagina trifecta.

Someone always has to one-up you, don’t they? 

Hazel Jones (see item one) comes out as having two vaginas. Next thing you know, kangaroos are bragging that they have three.

Well, maybe they didn’t ask for the publicity, but they got it: Describing an episode of the documentary show Inside Nature’s Giants, science writerEd Yong wrote on his Discover blog about how sperm travels up the two vaginas on the side to the kangaroo’s two uteruses while the joey (baby roo) enters the world through the vagina in the center (there’s a nice, clear diagram on the link). The vaginas are prevented from merging by the ureter which, in humans, “doesn’t go through the reproductive system.” 

The joey is “about the size of a jellybean” when he's born and makes the tough trek to his mum’s pouch (marsupium) and continues to develop there (all marsupials have this three-vagina mechanism). The show theorizes that the narrowness of the vagina down which it has to travel might mean it can’t get much bigger before birth. 

I’ve never given birth but I can’t help thinking some women who have might fancy this pouch business. 

5. Walk-in vagina.

“Roomy,” isn’t a word most women would want to describe their vaginas with, but in 1966 one artist made it rather beautiful. 

"Hon: A Cathedral" by Niki Sainte de Phalle, with fellow artists Jean Tinguely and Per Olov Ultvedt is an art installation of a massive earth-mother type figure which guests entered through the vagina. It was made for the the Moderna Mussett in Stockholm: here’s a closer picture of it on An Artwork A Day. Visitors who walked in could access exhibition space, an aquarium, even a planetarium. 

It’s a beautiful installation. And fortunately people didn’t henceforth expect to find fine art and sea turtles every time they entered one. 

6. Here Puss Puss!

Human ovulation happens on a schedule. It has a routine. At certain intervals it’s triggered by the release of LH, lutenizing hormone in the brain

In cats ovulation doesn’t punch a clock; the muse has to strike it, or stroke it. By “muse,” of course, we mean “cat penis.” 

Franny Syufy from About.com writes that "male cats have barbed penises (much like a fishhook), and upon withdrawal, the female cat will often scream (whether from ecstasy or pain is questionable). It is also believed that the barbed penis stimulates ovulation."

Syufy also says that the males hold the females by biting part of the back of their neck, which may also “stimulate a part of the female's brain which may induce ovulation.” 

Bottom line, the cat vagina is stimulated to ovulation by a barbed penis. It is by virtue of this horrible-sounding event that we end up with cuteness against which everyone is defenseless

7. Iron maiden.

So, maybe it can’t bite tops off beer bottles, but how much can your vagina bench-press?

We’re sad to hear that there’s actually not a Guinness World Record for such a thing but if there were it would go to Tatyana Kozhevnikova, according to Ron Dicker of the Huffington Post. On the UK’s Body Shocking Show Kozhevnikova flaunted her skills by inserting a wooden egg into her Popeye of a vagina and attached weights which she then lifted.

“She reportedly set the vagina weightlifting record by hoisting 31 pounds in 2009,” Dicker says. She also offers that it takes just five minutes a day of working those muscles for just a week and you’ll be able to give and receive “unforgettable pleasure in bed.”

Never mind that. Do you think she’ll help me move? 

 

Liz Langley is a freelance writer based in Orlando, Florida. #OrlandoUnited. OrlandoStrong.

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