6 Weird Consequences of Sex
Recently, the National Conference of State Legislatures reported that only 22 states and the District of Columbia require sexual education to be taught in their public schools. Of that limited number, only 19 stipulate that said sex-ed be “medically, factually or technically accurate.”
So, the others can demand their students study stork delivery? Or teach anatomy with reproductive organ-less Barbie and Ken dolls? Or, in an effort to politicize it, straight-up lie about the mechanics of conception? American “young people” (15- to 24-year-olds) rack up half of all the nation’s new STIs, and the country boasts the most teen pregnancies (3 in 10 teenagers!) of any “industrialized nation.” Please resist the urge to slam your head into the wall.
But STIs and pregnancy are just some of the consequences of sexual activity. Because that naughty jokester, the universe, has a perverse sense of humor, there is a seemingly infinite cornucopia of weird shit that can happen before, during or after you roll in the hay, by yourself, or with partners. Many people may never learn about these predicaments, in public school or outside of it (even though some of these conditions sound like urban legends meant to scare you into abstinence). Love hurts. And as this list demonstrates, it also scars and wounds, or just gets really weird.
1) Semen allergies: Not every erotic experience is one of pure bliss, but the romp can literally make some people sick. Post-orgasm illness syndrome, or POIS, occurs to some men following an orgasm, and can last for up to a week. Identified in 2002, the symptoms of this relatively rare affliction are “flu-like” including “feverishness, runny nose, extreme fatigue and burning eyes immediately after they ejaculate.”
One Dutch sexual psychopharmacology professor, Marcel Waldinger, has proposed that these men have an allergy to their own semen. "They didn't feel ill when they masturbated without ejaculating, but as soon as the semen came from the testes...after that they became ill, sometimes within just a few minutes," reported Waldinger. He believes the guys who suffer POIS are unaware that it’s a documented condition, and therefore don’t seek medical help. POIS patients who have sought medical attention and were administered hyposensitization therapy enjoyed largely positive results. The therapy could be available within five years.
Women can also be allergic to semen. Like POIS, it’s a rare condition, but one that 40,000 women have. Their symptoms are very different than those of POIS; they occur inside 30 minutes of ejaculation, after their pH balance has been agitated, and include swelling, burning, and itching around the genitals, and in extreme cases they might experience swelling in other parts of the body, or hives and dyspnea. These allergies can occur from exposure to a particular man’s semen, or from all male partners.
In rare cases, the allergy is not necessarily derived from semen alone—sometimes whatever food or medications (like shellfish, nuts or penicillin) one’s partner has consumed is enough to trigger a physical response to the ejaculant. The only (and still not guaranteed) protection to avoid allergens while bumping uglies, is to wear a condom. Of course, latex condoms pose their own set of allergic reactions, with symptoms akin to those of semen allergies.
2) Broken penises: In case you missed the New Girl episode in which Schmidt (“Broken Penis Guy”) breaks his baby arm, or you don’t have vivid nightmares or read Reddit, you might not know that penile fractures are a very real thing. Just because there are no actual bones in your boner, does not mean it can’t break when enthusiastically trying to bury it. If you hear a popping sound while getting off, and feel a tidal wave of searing pain, you may have fractured your penis. Hunter Wessells, the urology chair at the University of Washington School of Medicine details the peril: