18 Hilariously Bad Sex Tips for Men
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While the lion’s share of bad relationship advice is aimed at women (e.g. fellating pastries somehow leads to a more fulfilling sex life), there’s plenty of terrible advice directed at dudes, too, often involving a salient combination of manipulation, foodstuffs and math. Here are the worst offenders, from pickup artists, Men’s Health, Maxim, and beyond.
1. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." (Maxim UK)
We’ve been known to joke about boning Nutella before, so we can’t harp too much, but if you present your lady with a brown, gooey dick, she’s going to have questions, and none of those will be, “May I enthusiastically blow you?” Also does this work in reverse? ‘Cause this Hot Pocket in my vagina’s not gonna eat itself.
2. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged french kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.” (Men’s Health)
Yes, it’s definitely your testosterone-laden saliva that’s making us “chemically interested.” If the prolonged french kissing doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, try spitting in her face.
3. “A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly.” (Chateau Heartiste,pickup artist site)
It works for the Dog Whisperer so it must be true.
4. Take a pearl necklace and "lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.” (Men’s Health)
Now put your dick in her ear. Can she hear the ocean?
5. “Wait three days to call her.” (Three-Day Rule, Swingers)
For the love of god, she’s not a sourdough starter. At its core, the three-day rule, enacted so you don’t seem too desperate or eager, makes some sense. Except who calls people anymore, except when you’re locked out of your house or your face is on fire? What if she texts you? Are you going to ignore it until Wednesday because of advice Vince Vaughn gave in the mid-’90s?
We know you’re playing it cool, man. We get it. Just fucking tell us when the next bowling date is going down. That’s all we want to know.
6. “Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually.” (Cheateau Heartiste)
Of course women (and men) want their partner to be perceived as desirable to others. But intentionally trying to make your partner jealous is a pathetic power trip used by the most insecure. And no, women “will never admit” it because it’s not true. Just like men “will never admit” they love surprise anal.
7. “[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress.” (Men’s Health)
It’s like shooting fish in a vaginal barrel. We don’t think mattress burn counts as “stimulation” though.
8. “Give your woman two-thirds of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less… In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.” (Chateau Heartiste)