15 Most Unbelievably Absurd Sex Tips
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There are countless articles aiming to teach us how to enrich our sex lives. Most are inane, others are helpful, and still others are downright laughable. Here are our favorite baffling, painful, or otherwise WTF-inducing tips that the Internet wants to do to your nether bits. Because sometimes spicing up our sex lives involves actual spices.
1. Cosmo: “Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”
This advice comes from Cosmo's book, 365 Naughty Nights: A Year of Hot Sex. But if that one sentence is too vague for you, Cosmo elaborates further in the print magazine, under the title “Glazed Donut.”
“Gently stick his penis through the hole...”
Gently, ladies! His penis is not a game of horseshoes...until later on in the list!
“...and slowly nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while…”
Lest you forget this is a blow job, and not an ergonomically challenging way to consume calories.
“The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”
We’re not sure that glazed spittle counts as a “new dimension,” but it will definitely make for an interesting cleanup, especially if you plan on having sex later with a woman whose vaginal flora isn’t accustomed to sugar (spoiler: all of them).
2. Men’s Health: “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice. The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet—and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”
You know what the key to sexiness is? Not mentioning mice scrotums.
3. Cosmo: “Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”
It’s not like we need to sleep here later!
4. Men’s Health: "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
You sure have! If by “it” you mean house-training a Labradoodle. Also, what other way is there to respond to a hand-licking in public? Hold it up and say, “I’m never washing this again”?
5. Cosmo: “Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off.”
Ignoring for a moment why you would want to needlessly stretch out an expensive bra, and how many other better restraints exist in the world, does Cosmo think we all have mini-fridges full of Cocoa Puffs and slivered almonds by our bedsides? Because, there’s barely enough room for my Nutella bucket from Costco as it is.
6. Cosmo: “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
A mini-fridge and a spice rack, got it. There’s nothing that aids an impending orgasm like a dry rub marinade. Besides, what’s sexier than sneezing? Crying, which is exactly what will happen if you’re one inch off.
7. Men’s Health: “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”
A mini-fridge, a spice rack, and a toaster oven. Got it. We’re starting to think we know what the Beyond stands for in Bed, Bath &.
8. Cosmo: “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”