The 10 Weirdest Sex-cessories
No judgement: Everyone has their own sexual preferences, predilections and fantasies, and it’s also understood that sex with one, or two, or however many of the same person(s) can grow tedious. The Internet has grown, in part, to accommodate everyone’s erotic interests, and to capitalize on niche fetish markets. So I’m not here to lower your freak flag, and of course this third party could never understand the nuances of your beaudoire repertoire. All that said, here are 10 weird sexcessories used by consenting adults that seem somewhat unnecessary, or even counterproductive to the whole enterprise:
1) YourMasque. YourMasque is a gel strip wrapped in foil, which looks like a fancy rectangular condom. In anticipation of giving your partner a facejob, the strip is placed on your tongue until it dissolves. “Enjoy the flavor and taste-masking for up to fifteen amazing, confidence-boosting minutes” suggests Masque. That must be the most depressing ad line ever. At first glance, I assumed the gel strip created a sensation for your partner’s pleasure, but this product is for people who find their paramour’s genitals unsavory (while doubting their own oral skills). “Through years of research, we’ve developed the first and only product proven to completely conceal the taste of semen.” Well, better hope your partner doesn’t last longer than the strip, lest you TASTE THEIR GENITALS NOOOOOO!!! Comes in (heh heh) mango, chocolate, watermelon, and strawberry.
2) Video camera vibrator. Seems like everyone’s made a sex tape, including you. Alas, they’ve all been recordings of the externalgoings-ons amid the scrump exchange. Boorrrrring. The Video Voyeur Micro-Camera Vibrator provides aspiring auteurs with the opportunity to document their internal love, as one is being pleasured by the inanimate third player. It’s “micro lighted,” so every detail is illuminated, and what’s hotter than a blurry vaginal wall?! Apparently, the vibe plugs into a TV via a 14-foot cord, so one can enjoy their filmmaking whilst in flagrante delicto, or review the anatomical picture show at some point, till the end of days. $189.95 seems like a marginal price to pay for a lifetime of memories.
3) Artificial Hymen. The Hymen Shop has created an Artificial Hymen for those ladies looking to “kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence” (or indulge their partner’s devirginizing fetish). Ah yes, that moment every gal longs to relive: breaking her hymen, compounded with every woman’s second favorite experience, being slut-shamed by her culture/family/fiance. How does it work, you ask? The Artificial Hymen is a “prosthetic membrane” covertly inserted into the vagina before the “deflowering.” Once penetrated, the fraudulent membrane “oozes” a blood-like substance, like a glorified ketchup packet. Hymenshop.com suggests letting out “a few moans and groans” to create a convincing deception. The Web site claims (many, many times) that the Artificial Hymen “restores your virginity” and that you can “become a virgin again.” Um, no, you can’t. Sure, there's a lot of debate about what being a virgin actually means, if anything, but despite the semantics, a piece of Internet-peddled plastic shoved inside your vagina does not a virgin make. The Artificial Hymen comes with two imposter membranes, so you can restore your virginity TWICE. No hymenoplasty needed! Also, BEWARE pseudo-hymen shoppers: should you buy an inferior counterfeit maidenhead from imitators, it “might cause a very negative situation when the male discovers he has been fooled to believe that his wife was faking her virginity.” Ugh.
4) Asylum torture sex toys. For those who watched Saw and Hostel and thought “Hmm, that’s something I’d like to act out with my consenting sexual partner,” Asylum offers medical fetishists products that seem inspired by both a psychiatric institution (straight jackets, hook mouth spreaders, medical tool kits) and torture porn. You all know that’s just a genre of horror film right? But unlike the discordant sadism of Eli Roth’s catalog, power can be exchanged at will. Sub and dom can be EITHER American college student or Slovakian tormentor.
5) BJ Blasts. BJ Blasts are Pop Rocks for pipe jobs. The candy, when orally consumed by one party, is supposed to yield a “tingling sensation” once face-planted on your partner’s penis. One reviewer found them to be underwhelming, and noted that because the sex candy is so sugary, it’s not recommended for the vagina. But those with a sweet tooth never fear: despite childhood myths, you can gargle as much BJ Blasts and cola as your heart desires, if confectionary copulation is your thing.
6) Cartoony hoods. Have you ever fantasized about catching a blowjob from Edvard Munch’s The Scream (or a feminized, clownier version)? Wanted to fuck an innocuous, pink bow-tied rabbit? Maybe you’ve tired of looking upon your partner’s boring face, or you can predict the linear path of sexual facial contortions and it’s killing your literal or metaphorical boner. If this is your burden, Pipedream Products has dreamed up Fetish Fantasy Extreme latex and leather hoods, for all your cartoon fuck/sub humiliation/sensory deprivation needs. Stockroom.com promises (of the Honey Bunny) “the Bunny Hood endows the wearer with mysterious, disarming allure.” The wearer will surely be disarmed (they haven’t the power to unlock the hood), but allure...well, that’s certainly subjective.
7) Dragon (and other creatures) dildos. Has your human sex with your human smash partner reached a lull? Perhaps it’s time to introduce some fantasy into your fantasies. How about a dragon dildo? From Bad Dragon products, these fantastical creature (as well as anthropomorphic mammal) wangs are cast by demand, so customers can dictate all aspects of their purchase (complete with dragon cum!). Each product has a fanciful backstory, providing a lush narrative (and illustration) for patrons. Get to know Vergil, the free-wheelin masturbating dragon, the dojo master liger, Moko, or perhaps David, a werewolf famous for his woodland three-ways. Read an article and interview with Bad Dragon creator Varka from Vice here.
8) Vibease. This isn’t so much weird, as new. Jezebelposted a few weeks back about Vibease, a remote-controlled app for partners to please ladies from afar. The tagline is “Stay in love always.” According to Vibease, to “stay in love always” one needs only to program and command the smartphone vibrator, sending your partner long-distance oscillations. Hmm. The product uses the phone vibration with an external bluetooth “massager” (vibe), but also delivers “soothing ambient sound” to the eternally lovesick couple. Oooh ooh, like a masturbatory mixtape?! Vibeasers can also send photos and texts through the app, dirty talk without the annoying talking part. Yes, the recipe for your timeless romance is all here. I know we expect a lot from our smartphones, but they can’t substitute dick. The Android app is available now, iPhone app coming soon.
9) Hooded Spandex full-body binder sack. For “Enclosure and mummification fans,” Sub-Shop.com has created this bondagey, human cocoon. Because who doesn’t find mummies sexy? In purple, red, black, pink, and white, you too can be completely enclosed in Spandex described as “silky and erotic.” While Cracked.com describes it as “a Christmas tree on its way to the dump,” to me it looks like a body bag. These full-body sensory deprivation sacks make the Pipedream hoods look like amateur shit.
10) Toilet Brush Chindo. The aptly named “Humiliator” is a toilet brush attachment bolstered by a chindo, the Humiliator Gag. The only difference between an everyday toilet brush and this accessory is that the brush is on a 5-inch rod so “your sub will be sure of what they're being told to do.” Other available attachments for Scott Paul’s Humiliator (and your servile pleasure) include a feather duster, an ashtray and a boot brush. Sure, the point of this is sexual arousal by degradation, but consider the multitasking! The sub takes care of toilet bowl buildup, while the dom takes care of their sub. A clean house and shoes have never been so satisfying!