The 10 Weirdest Sex-cessories
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5) BJ Blasts. BJ Blasts are Pop Rocks for pipe jobs. The candy, when orally consumed by one party, is supposed to yield a “tingling sensation” once face-planted on your partner’s penis. One reviewer found them to be underwhelming, and noted that because the sex candy is so sugary, it’s not recommended for the vagina. But those with a sweet tooth never fear: despite childhood myths, you can gargle as much BJ Blasts and cola as your heart desires, if confectionary copulation is your thing.
6) Cartoony hoods. Have you ever fantasized about catching a blowjob from Edvard Munch’s The Scream (or a feminized, clownier version)? Wanted to fuck an innocuous, pink bow-tied rabbit? Maybe you’ve tired of looking upon your partner’s boring face, or you can predict the linear path of sexual facial contortions and it’s killing your literal or metaphorical boner. If this is your burden, Pipedream Products has dreamed up Fetish Fantasy Extreme latex and leather hoods, for all your cartoon fuck/sub humiliation/sensory deprivation needs. Stockroom.com promises (of the Honey Bunny) “the Bunny Hood endows the wearer with mysterious, disarming allure.” The wearer will surely be disarmed (they haven’t the power to unlock the hood), but allure...well, that’s certainly subjective.
7) Dragon (and other creatures) dildos. Has your human sex with your human smash partner reached a lull? Perhaps it’s time to introduce some fantasy into your fantasies. How about a dragon dildo? From Bad Dragon products, these fantastical creature (as well as anthropomorphic mammal) wangs are cast by demand, so customers can dictate all aspects of their purchase (complete with dragon cum!). Each product has a fanciful backstory, providing a lush narrative (and illustration) for patrons. Get to know Vergil, the free-wheelin masturbating dragon, the dojo master liger, Moko, or perhaps David, a werewolf famous for his woodland three-ways. Read an article and interview with Bad Dragon creator Varka from Vice here.
8) Vibease. This isn’t so much weird, as new. Jezebel posted a few weeks back about Vibease, a remote-controlled app for partners to please ladies from afar. The tagline is “Stay in love always.” According to Vibease, to “stay in love always” one needs only to program and command the smartphone vibrator, sending your partner long-distance oscillations. Hmm. The product uses the phone vibration with an external bluetooth “massager” (vibe), but also delivers “soothing ambient sound” to the eternally lovesick couple. Oooh ooh, like a masturbatory mixtape?! Vibeasers can also send photos and texts through the app, dirty talk without the annoying talking part. Yes, the recipe for your timeless romance is all here. I know we expect a lot from our smartphones, but they can’t substitute dick. The Android app is available now, iPhone app coming soon.
9) Hooded Spandex full-body binder sack. For “Enclosure and mummification fans,” Sub-Shop.com has created this bondagey, human cocoon. Because who doesn’t find mummies sexy? In purple, red, black, pink, and white, you too can be completely enclosed in Spandex described as “silky and erotic.” While Cracked.com describes it as “a Christmas tree on its way to the dump,” to me it looks like a body bag. These full-body sensory deprivation sacks make the Pipedream hoods look like amateur shit.
10) Toilet Brush Chindo. The aptly named “ Humiliator” is a toilet brush attachment bolstered by a chindo, the Humiliator Gag. The only difference between an everyday toilet brush and this accessory is that the brush is on a 5-inch rod so “your sub will be sure of what they're being told to do.” Other available attachments for Scott Paul’s Humiliator (and your servile pleasure) include a feather duster, an ashtray and a boot brush. Sure, the point of this is sexual arousal by degradation, but consider the multitasking! The sub takes care of toilet bowl buildup, while the dom takes care of their sub. A clean house and shoes have never been so satisfying!