The 10 Weirdest Sex-cessories
No judgement: Everyone has their own sexual preferences, predilections and fantasies, and it’s also understood that sex with one, or two, or however many of the same person(s) can grow tedious. The Internet has grown, in part, to accommodate everyone’s erotic interests, and to capitalize on niche fetish markets. So I’m not here to lower your freak flag, and of course this third party could never understand the nuances of your beaudoire repertoire. All that said, here are 10 weird sexcessories used by consenting adults that seem somewhat unnecessary, or even counterproductive to the whole enterprise:
1) YourMasque. Your Masque is a gel strip wrapped in foil, which looks like a fancy rectangular condom. In anticipation of giving your partner a facejob, the strip is placed on your tongue until it dissolves. “Enjoy the flavor and taste-masking for up to fifteen amazing, confidence-boosting minutes” suggests Masque. That must be the most depressing ad line ever. At first glance, I assumed the gel strip created a sensation for your partner’s pleasure, but this product is for people who find their paramour’s genitals unsavory (while doubting their own oral skills). “Through years of research, we’ve developed the first and only product proven to completely conceal the taste of semen.” Well, better hope your partner doesn’t last longer than the strip, lest you TASTE THEIR GENITALS NOOOOOO!!! Comes in (heh heh) mango, chocolate, watermelon, and strawberry.
2) Video camera vibrator. Seems like everyone’s made a sex tape, including you. Alas, they’ve all been recordings of the external goings-ons amid the scrump exchange. Boorrrrring. The Video Voyeur Micro-Camera Vibrator provides aspiring auteurs with the opportunity to document their internal love, as one is being pleasured by the inanimate third player. It’s “micro lighted,” so every detail is illuminated, and what’s hotter than a blurry vaginal wall?! Apparently, the vibe plugs into a TV via a 14-foot cord, so one can enjoy their filmmaking whilst in flagrante delicto, or review the anatomical picture show at some point, till the end of days. $189.95 seems like a marginal price to pay for a lifetime of memories.
3) Artificial Hymen. The Hymen Shop has created an Artificial Hymen for those ladies looking to “kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence” (or indulge their partner’s devirginizing fetish). Ah yes, that moment every gal longs to relive: breaking her hymen, compounded with every woman’s second favorite experience, being slut-shamed by her culture/family/fiance. How does it work, you ask? The Artificial Hymen is a “prosthetic membrane” covertly inserted into the vagina before the “deflowering.” Once penetrated, the fraudulent membrane “oozes” a blood-like substance, like a glorified ketchup packet. Hymenshop.com suggests letting out “a few moans and groans” to create a convincing deception. The Web site claims (many, many times) that the Artificial Hymen “restores your virginity” and that you can “become a virgin again.” Um, no, you can’t. Sure, there's a lot of debate about what being a virgin actually means, if anything, but despite the semantics, a piece of Internet-peddled plastic shoved inside your vagina does not a virgin make. The Artificial Hymen comes with two imposter membranes, so you can restore your virginity TWICE. No hymenoplasty needed! Also, BEWARE pseudo-hymen shoppers: should you buy an inferior counterfeit maidenhead from imitators, it “might cause a very negative situation when the male discovers he has been fooled to believe that his wife was faking her virginity.” Ugh.
4) Asylum torture sex toys. For those who watched Saw and Hostel and thought “Hmm, that’s something I’d like to act out with my consenting sexual partner,” Asylum offers medical fetishists products that seem inspired by both a psychiatric institution (straight jackets, hook mouth spreaders, medical tool kits) and torture porn. You all know that’s just a genre of horror film right? But unlike the discordant sadism of Eli Roth’s catalog, power can be exchanged at will. Sub and dom can be EITHER American college student or Slovakian tormentor.