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10 Things Porn Gets Horribly Wrong About Women and Sex

Here are the biggest grievances about the representation of women (particularly lesbians) in porn.
 
 
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We know that mainstream porn is based primarily on straight male fantasies and is not an accurate representation of, well, anything approximating sex in real life. Still, when it comes to the topic of women, porn gets it especially wrong. Here are the 10 biggest grievances we have about the representation of women (particularly lesbians) in porn.

1. Long, horrifyingly sharp, fake nails.

Ladies’ nails in porn are so ridiculous as to be laughable, like Guinness Record-worthy, have-to-text-with-your-knuckles ridiculous. There is no way those zirconia-encrusted, press-on wolverine claws would ever be allowed near a non-porn vagina. And for good reason: pain. Insane in the membrane pain. There’s a reason penises aren’t made from shards of jagged plastic. Just thinking about those nails anywhere near my nether region makes me want to fold my labia into a lanyard, never to be entered again.

2. Penetration with lint rollers and what-have-you.

When women in porn aren’t penetrating each other with their scary talons, they are often shown being penetrated by any number of bizarre household items. Hooker heels are a popular trend. Hair brushes, beer bottles, glue sticks, and plungers are just a few more examples of the objects shoved up women’s woodles, despite the hygiene factor and how pissed your toddler will be when he finds his Lincoln Logs sullied. “Strange object insertions” is an actual category in porn. And why? A vagina is not a refrigerator or a VW Bug, and frankly, we’re tired of you asking us to store your torque wrench in there. Besides, the space is occupied right now—I’m marinating a pot roast.

3. Magic penis syndrome (MPS).

Speaking of penetration, most women can’t come from that alone (70 percent, in fact). Despite this, porn makes it seem as though jackhammering, with little foreplay and little manual stimulation, are what drives the ladies wild and gives them mind-blowing orgasms. A friend dubbed this “magic penis syndrome” because the slightest touch from one can make a woman come on contact. Women require more than that to be turned on, yet the myth persists. MPS is aided by overzealous acting, as well as the instant moaning and writhing that comes from any move a porn partner does, whether it’s a cervical ramming or turning off the light switch.

4. Disappearing female orgasm.

Despite all the excitement due to MPS, porn rarely shows the female orgasm at all. Women will squirm and giggle all day long, but mainstream porn would have us believe that the show’s only over once the money shot is in your eye. That is to say, the emphasis is always on the man’s orgasm. Even in so-called lesbian porn, the women rarely ever climax. Probably because they’re having so much fun tickling each other with feathers (see No. #6) to bother.

5. Lesbians are constantly scissoring.

Aside from nails, the prevalence of scissoring in porn is probably the one that causes the most eye-rolling among girls who bone girls. For those who don’t know, scissoring is a form of tribadism, where two women rub their vaginas together for pleasure and/or profit. In mainstream porn, scissoring usually involves ladies lying down with their heads on opposite ends of the bed and their feet in each other’s faces. This position doesn’t make any sense from a visceral or ergonomic standpoint, and even visually, it's more akin to an Anxious Crab Walk than anything sexy. Actual scissoring (which is not nearly as popular as porn makes it out to be) involves much positioning, flexibility and a sense of humor to be done properly.

6. Lesbians who don’t fuck each other.

Maybe they’re too busy taking yoga classes so they can scissor more effectively, but girl-girl porn rarely ever involves fucking. There’s a lot of gentle petting, complimenting each other’s hair/hoop earrings/landing strips, and occasionally some tentative, one-finger penetration, but that’s about where it ends. This may be because male viewers might be intimidated by women experiencing pleasure without a penis or because the actors themselves are straight (aka gay for pay), but it’s a serious disservice (not just to lesbians) that women are portrayed as delicate lotus flowers, requiring soft lighting and satin sheets and soothing flute music in order to get naked with each other.

7. Unrealistic bodies and no gender diversity.

If you asked a straight man to describe his ideal woman, we’d venture a guess that very few would say, “A surgically enhanced sex robot, please. Preferably unable to walk completely upright due to boob heft.” Yet, this is the image of women that exists in porn. They are often white, fake tan, top-heavy, with little to no hair anywhere on their bodies, heavily made up, and “girly” to the point of infantilism. The idea of the sexual woman is so limited in scope it’d be laughable if it weren’t so depressing. Nor are there any portrayals of gender expression, other than the hyper-stylized femmebot.

8. Gay porn features no gay women.

As mentioned above, gay lady porn features predominantly straight women, and is made with a straight male audience in mind. The fact that what we think of as “gay porn” involves no women at all is strange and a bummer. As porn performer and maker Courtney Trouble noted in an email, the mainstream refers to it not as queer but as “girl-girl porn.” The lesbian part is beside the point. Trouble goes on to say, “I don't see the usual hyper-feminine porn tropes as the reason why it looks fake, because hyper-feminine queer women exist everywhere and a lot of them make porn. It's the obvious lack of experience with a female body, bored kissing, or visual lack of desire that really makes the difference between what I see as ‘fake lesbian porn’ and what I make, which I call ‘queer porn,’ and it's based on high chemistry and authentic desire.”

9. Cunnilingus is an awful, boring chore.

In mainstream porn, going down on a woman seems about as fun as cleaning the lint trap in the dryer. Actors seem apathetic, bored or downright grossed out by the thought of giving a woman head. Even those who do manage a smile through the grimace go about the act as if they were disposing of a rodent, with as little contact as possible and a tired sense of resignation. Non-porn head involves much more than the tip of one’s tongue and the delicate blotting of the lips. Your whole face should be involved. Or, to distort a High School Musical song, you have to “get your head in the game.”

10. Lack of diversity in general.

There are many categories we can choose from when it comes to boob size, cheerleaders and cheating wives, but very little diversity when it comes to race, ethnicity, age, etc. When those do come into play, it’s in a fetishistic way, a la the demure Asian woman or the fiery Latina. “Any difference is relegated to a niche,” said pornographer Ms. Naughty, in an email. “Big beautiful women, black women, hairy pubes and pits ‘fetish’ porn, MILFs, grannies... Sure, porn can be diverse but it's the categorization that reveals the assumption that there is an ideal sort of woman's body and everything else is just a kink.”

 
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