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10 Things Porn Gets Horribly Wrong About Women and Sex

Here are the biggest grievances about the representation of women (particularly lesbians) in porn.
 
 
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We know that mainstream porn is based primarily on straight male fantasies and is not an accurate representation of, well, anything approximating sex in real life. Still, when it comes to the topic of women, porn gets it especially wrong. Here are the 10 biggest grievances we have about the representation of women (particularly lesbians) in porn.

1. Long, horrifyingly sharp, fake nails.

Ladies’ nails in porn are so ridiculous as to be laughable, like Guinness Record-worthy, have-to-text-with-your-knuckles ridiculous. There is no way those zirconia-encrusted, press-on wolverine claws would ever be allowed near a non-porn vagina. And for good reason: pain. Insane in the membrane pain. There’s a reason penises aren’t made from shards of jagged plastic. Just thinking about those nails anywhere near my nether region makes me want to fold my labia into a lanyard, never to be entered again.

2. Penetration with lint rollers and what-have-you.

When women in porn aren’t penetrating each other with their scary talons, they are often shown being penetrated by any number of bizarre household items. Hooker heels are a popular trend. Hair brushes, beer bottles, glue sticks, and plungers are just a few more examples of the objects shoved up women’s woodles, despite the hygiene factor and how pissed your toddler will be when he finds his Lincoln Logs sullied. “Strange object insertions” is an actual category in porn. And why? A vagina is not a refrigerator or a VW Bug, and frankly, we’re tired of you asking us to store your torque wrench in there. Besides, the space is occupied right now—I’m marinating a pot roast.

3. Magic penis syndrome (MPS).

Speaking of penetration, most women can’t come from that alone (70 percent, in fact). Despite this, porn makes it seem as though jackhammering, with little foreplay and little manual stimulation, are what drives the ladies wild and gives them mind-blowing orgasms. A friend dubbed this “magic penis syndrome” because the slightest touch from one can make a woman come on contact. Women require more than that to be turned on, yet the myth persists. MPS is aided by overzealous acting, as well as the instant moaning and writhing that comes from any move a porn partner does, whether it’s a cervical ramming or turning off the light switch.

4. Disappearing female orgasm.

Despite all the excitement due to MPS, porn rarely shows the female orgasm at all. Women will squirm and giggle all day long, but mainstream porn would have us believe that the show’s only over once the money shot is in your eye. That is to say, the emphasis is always on the man’s orgasm. Even in so-called lesbian porn, the women rarely ever climax. Probably because they’re having so much fun tickling each other with feathers (see No. #6) to bother.

5. Lesbians are constantly scissoring.

Aside from nails, the prevalence of scissoring in porn is probably the one that causes the most eye-rolling among girls who bone girls. For those who don’t know, scissoring is a form of tribadism, where two women rub their vaginas together for pleasure and/or profit. In mainstream porn, scissoring usually involves ladies lying down with their heads on opposite ends of the bed and their feet in each other’s faces. This position doesn’t make any sense from a visceral or ergonomic standpoint, and even visually, it's more akin to an Anxious Crab Walk than anything sexy. Actual scissoring (which is not nearly as popular as porn makes it out to be) involves much positioning, flexibility and a sense of humor to be done properly.

 
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