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10 Gifts NOT to Get Your Lover

Religious sex toys? A fake pregnancy test? Here are some of the weirdest gifts out there.

Do you dislike the holidays? And your partner? Maybe you’re seeking a passive-aggressive way to bring your relationship to an end? If so, we’ve got the list for you! Look no further than these weird, offensive or just wildly inappropriate gifts, culled for you with love-hate from the Internet’s dark corners. After reading, you’ll be thrilled to get that VHS copy of Leslie Sansone’s Walk the Weight Away or a food dehydrator that your paramour actually bought you.

1. Fake pregnancy test

Because unplanned pregnancy is hilarious! Seriously, this fake pregnancy test gag depresses us immensely. It looks like a completely regular pregnancy test, except it always comes up positive, making your partner think that you’ve created a fake child. Could the fake herpes and fake HIV tests be far behind? Isn’t it great that we can be a horrible person for just under $10 now? America!

2. Religious sex toys

From Baby Jesus butt plugs to Buddha-shaped phalluses to a Diving Nun dildo, these religious sex toys are sure to send you straight to hell. There is even a toy for men that is shaped like a Bible with a hole cut out of it. They don’t call it the Good Book for nothing, we suppose. We have to give the site props for the sheer number of puns it manages to employ from all different religions. Some faves: “Virgin Mary, like most smart women, knows there is a Second Coming. And a Third. And a Fourth.” “Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool.” Guaranteed to offend just about everyone.

3. Weird perfume candy

Deo is a perfume that you ingest and wait for its chemicals to slowly leak a rose scent through your body’s pores. If that doesn’t put you at ease, it is also, according to the description, imported from Bulgaria! We think this is probably a scam, as the reviews seem to indicate, and reminds us of Linger, the breath mints that were created for your vaginal odor, and which thankfully went out of business. Linger promised to improve one’s "internal feminine flavoring," which is stupid as it is, but even more so when you consider that the main ingredient is sugar. Because nothing makes us want to “linger” more than a yeast infection.

4. USB hole warmer

The tiny, headless yet woman-shaped sex toy wearing granny panties is weird enough on its own, but we want to draw your attention to the USB hole warmer in the upper-right that comes with it, which we believe allows the heat from your computer to warm up your vagina and/or butthole. Not to diminish the pain of those who suffer from frigid anuses, but we can’t even stand the heat from our laptop on our thighs, so we can only imagine how a non-temperature-controlled object would fare in our more sensitive rectums.

Also, the tagline is this: “You can experience what it's like to be deep inside the world's hottest porn star!” You know, the porn star who's seven inches tall, decapitated, and warms your prostate, all while safely tethered to your computer.

5. Self-help books

You might think you’re being helpful here—who doesn’t like self-improvement, after all?—but giving your partner a self-help book is like telling Wilford Brimley how to enunciate. It’s a bad idea. Why? Because everyone loves Wilford Brimley, you monster! And because such books point out the receiver’s flaws, whether they be real or imagined. For instance, Job Searching with Social Media for Dummies might say to you, “I’m helping him find a job,” but to him it says, “I’m tired of you being broke, and you don’t even use Pinterest right. Moron.”  

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