Sex & Relationships

10 Gifts NOT to Get Your Lover

Religious sex toys? A fake pregnancy test? Here are some of the weirdest gifts out there.

Do you dislike the holidays? And your partner? Maybe you’re seeking a passive-aggressive way to bring your relationship to an end? If so, we’ve got the list for you! Look no further than these weird, offensive or just wildly inappropriate gifts, culled for you with love-hate from the Internet’s dark corners. After reading, you’ll be thrilled to get that VHS copy of Leslie Sansone’s Walk the Weight Away or a food dehydrator that your paramour actually bought you.

1. Fake pregnancy test

Because unplanned pregnancy is hilarious! Seriously, this fake pregnancy test gag depresses us immensely. It looks like a completely regular pregnancy test, except it always comes up positive, making your partner think that you’ve created a fake child. Could the fake herpes and fake HIV tests be far behind? Isn’t it great that we can be a horrible person for just under $10 now? America!

2. Religious sex toys

From Baby Jesus butt plugs to Buddha-shaped phalluses to a Diving Nun dildo, these religious sex toys are sure to send you straight to hell. There is even a toy for men that is shaped like a Bible with a hole cut out of it. They don’t call it the Good Book for nothing, we suppose. We have to give the site props for the sheer number of puns it manages to employ from all different religions. Some faves: “Virgin Mary, like most smart women, knows there is a Second Coming. And a Third. And a Fourth.” “Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the powertool.” Guaranteed to offend just about everyone.

3. Weird perfume candy

Deo is a perfume that you ingest and wait for its chemicals to slowly leak a rose scent through your body’s pores. If that doesn’t put you at ease, it is also, according to the description, imported from Bulgaria! We think this is probably a scam, as the reviews seem to indicate, and reminds us of Linger, the breath mints that were created for your vaginal odor, and which thankfully went out of business. Linger promised to improve one’s "internal feminine flavoring," which is stupid as it is, but even more so when you consider that the main ingredient is sugar. Because nothing makes us want to “linger” more than a yeast infection.

4. USB hole warmer

The tiny, headless yet woman-shaped sex toy wearing granny panties is weird enough on its own, but we want to draw your attention to the USB hole warmer in the upper-right that comes with it, which we believe allows the heat from your computer to warm up your vagina and/or butthole. Not to diminish the pain of those who suffer from frigid anuses, but we can’t even stand the heat from our laptop on our thighs, so we can only imagine how a non-temperature-controlled object would fare in our more sensitive rectums.

Also, the tagline is this: “You can experience what it's like to be deep inside the world's hottest porn star!” You know, the porn star who's seven inches tall, decapitated, and warms your prostate, all while safely tethered to your computer.

5. Self-help books

You might think you’re being helpful here—who doesn’t like self-improvement, after all?—but giving your partner a self-help book is like telling Wilford Brimley how to enunciate. It’s a bad idea. Why? Because everyone loves Wilford Brimley, you monster! And because such books point out the receiver’s flaws, whether they be real or imagined. For instance, Job Searching with Social Media for Dummies might say to you, “I’m helping him find a job,” but to him it says, “I’m tired of you being broke, and you don’t even use Pinterest right. Moron.”  

6. Clone-A-Willy kit

Is your dick so great you wished you had two of them? Well, now you can with Clone-A-Willy. “Immortalize your boner with this erection-molding kit!” as the product site says. All you have to do is pop a boner into this mold, fill it with liquid rubber, and voila—you’re bi-penal. Perfect for dudes who can never quite get the angle right on their peniselfies. If you’re feeling left out, ladies, fear not: there is also Clone-A-Pussy (no boner donor required).

7. Apps that turn your smartphone into a sex toy

With any advance in technology, comes the inevitable question: “Yes, but how do I have sex with it?” Apps are far from alone in this arena and dozens claim to turn your smartphone into a sex toy, such as Android’s Dildroid, Vibease, or the ever-romantic Screaming Sexy Japanese Girls. When it comes to smartphones, however, nothing makes more sense to us than putting a $500 minicomputer in our vagina. We will admit that some of these apps make a degree of sense, as they allow long-distance couples to sort of give each other pleasure using remote-controlled vibration and what-have-you. But really, we suggest you just jerk off to each other’s Facebook photos like usual and save yourselves the money and humiliation of straddling one’s iPhone.

8. Spandex full-body Santa suit

Santa’s tired of hiding his package, okay? Now don’t get us wrong, we think that festivities and fetishes often go hand-in-glove, but we must draw the line somewhere and that line is in this hooded, full-body, spandex Santa suit. Even Slutty Mrs. Claus objects to a full-zippered faceless bodystocking with built-in faux-belt. Don we now our gay apparel and all that, but at least give us eye holes!

9. FreshBalls

“99.9% of all men suffer from the problem of sweaty balls,” says FreshBalls, the website catered to quelching your terrible ball odors. Why engage in the meddlesome and time-consuming task of showering when you can rub this weird powder on your groin instead? Perfect for the man in your life you just can’t bring yourself to tell, “It’s not you, it’s your ball stank.” And ladies, if don’t have enough to be insecure about, apparently your breast smell is also a problem. But don’t worry, FreshBreasts will fix you right up.

10. Life-like animal dildos

Stand aside, Rabbit vibrator: you’re no match for Moby’s Dick. We’re not sure what the actual intention is for this “Great Toy for Whale Lovers,” (pure novelty? Animal Planet educational purpose?), but it sure seems to edge into the bestiality realm.

If whales don’t raise your lover’s sails, there are also wolf and horse penis replicas for sale on Amazon, as well as Clifford the Big Red Dog Dong, for the the literarily inclined. We can’t link to these, however, because we’ve already gouged out our own eyes.

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