Cuckoo D'Etat: What Really Happened at Blagojevich's Impeachment Hearing

By Scours Mopgood, AlterNet. Posted January 31, 2009.

I don't want all my supporters--the working stiffs and the grimy-faced street urchins to worry, though. The makers of "Pants-Off Dance-Off" seem a little more amenable to my recommended gubernatorial offerings, and I think we may come to some kind of agreement in the weeks to come.

CHIEF JUSTICE: Mr. Ommamavich, this is not a circus. This is not one of your farcical TV appearances. As such, perhaps you would like a moment in the washroom to clean up a bit?

The Judge motions toward his face, indicating Blagojevich's red-white-and-blue face paint.

BLAGOJEVICH: Your dis-Honor, that is outrage #13! Not only does this half-baked witch-hunt seek to indict me for a dozen highly questionable "charges" including expanding (bleep)ing health care, purchasing (bleep)ing flu shots and demanding that the (bleeping) Girl Scouts stock more (bleep)ing boxes of Thin (bleep)ing Mints than the other flavors, but now you persecute me because of the various colors of my skin?!

CHIEF JUSTICE FITZGERALD: Sir, that's in no way true. I was only trying to--

BLAGOJEVICH: --Balder(bleeping)dash! The media elite has mocked my hair, and now this! I'll have you know, as a complex individual with a complexion to match, I am the proud, founding member of True Man Group, a post-modern ensemble of truth-tellers and percussionists that is hoping to book dates on cruise ships, preferably ones that sail exclusively in international waters. Scooter Libby and Ted Haggard are in, too, and we're also in talks with Barry Bonds's people.

CHIEF JUSTICE FITZGERALD: Sir, let's try to focus. While shamelessly plugging your new venture, you said there were already twelve highly dubious charges. Not thirteen. Does that mean you don't wish to address your attempt to sell the Senate seat vacated by President Obama, and the numerous tape-recorded phone conversations you had regarding that matter?

BLAGOJEVICH: This whole thing reminds me of a saying they had in the Wild West. 'You can lead a horse to a trough filled with golden things, but it always comes back to (bleep)ing politics. Look, you guys know how things get done in this world--we're political creatures doing political things. If you want to make a health-care omelette, sometimes you just have to induce labor in the golden goose.

And besides that, just think about the local economy. If you get rid of me, what happens to the families of all the (bleep)ing cronies and (bleep)ing wiretappers and (bleep)ing censors who'll be out of work? D'ja ever (bleep)ing thinking of them?

On the way over here today in my flying hybrid Hummer, I was talking about this whole crazy thing with some buddies--Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Paul Blart Mall Cop. I pointed out how there was no proof whatsoever that I'm willing to acknowledge. And one of them, I think it was Gandhi, said 'Proof? Screw that, I'll just take the pudding!' No, wait a minute, it may've been Blart."

With those words, Blagojevich fell fast asleep at his podium, and the vote was called. The articles of impeachment passed, 59-0, as the self-proclaimed Bla-Rod Omammavich was wheeled out of the chamber strapped to a dolly, a la Hannibal Lechter.

As he was wheeled out, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain wandered in with a business card, seemingly lost.

THAIN: Maybe you folks can help me. I'm looking for a "Rod the Plumber"?

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