My Uterus, Husband and I All Agree -- No Children

How refreshing! I totally agree with you, and my husband and I have never regretted making the same decision. After all these years, I now speak out for the unborn who might be brought into this over populated finite planet because the future looks very bleak indeed for them. There are so many children who need to be adopted that surely a burning desire to have children could better serve those already here. Thank you for speaking up!

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"No parent really looks happy in the grocery store or mall. Few look happy when they’re in the park with their kids. Why would I follow in those footsteps?"

Sounds like this is something the author would LIKE to believe, without actually having any idea of whether it's really true.

I'm sure I often look temporarily frustrated running after my kids in the grocery store.

On the other hand, I know absolutely that having kids has made my life much happier than it previously was.

I have no problem accepting the author's decision to avoid having kids. It certainly sounds like the right decision for her particular personality/situation.

On the other hand, she should be careful to avoid presuming that those of us who've had kids generally regret our decision. Seeing an occasional frustrated parent in the mall is proof of nothing.

Perhaps her vision is a bit selective. Has she REALLY ever been to a park or playground? I was at one this afternoon, and can't recall seeing anything but smiling, happy parents playing with their kids.

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My wife and I are in the process of releasing our 5 little Conservatives into society.

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Does this seem like a no-brainer to anyone else?

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Amen. I couldn't agree with this article more. Especially with the sentiment that people without kids are somehow inferior or missing out on something. Please...

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most of my life, every day I'm reminded of why I chose not to have children. As they would be forced to interact with many of the stupid people society has already spawned.

With Octo-mom being a prime example of how not to be a parent.

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My long-term boyfriend and I are gearing up to do the engagement thing and the decision of whether or not to have children has been a hot topic for us lately. Luckily, we've easily come to the conclusion that having children is not for us and that if we were to change our minds, we would adopt instead of having a kid ourselves. There are a lot of reasons behind this decision. Admittedly some of them are selfish (we don't want the financial burden, we'd rather focus on each other and our work, etc.), but some are practical (we'd feel guilty popping out a kid when there are already so many in need, having a kid would most likely involve a lot of hormone therapy for me, etc). However, when I try to talk about this with my female friends, they can't seem to wrap their heads around my decision. I've gotten the standard "you'll change your mind" and a couple "you're not obeying god's will". But one comment that made me pause was that I'd be in trouble once my husband dies and I'm all by myself. What do you other people without children think about that? Do you worry about it too? Is it even a cause for worry?

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Thank you for this article. The sort of people who write for Alternet lack the survival instinct, and want to embrace diversity and perversity. This is not good for children, or for society.

So yes, please libs, do not breed. The future belongs to White Wingers!

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Good point about selfishness. Our culture has done a good job of labeling the childless as "selfish" and those with kids as selfless.

In our kid-centric society we tend to take this for granted. But as the article points out, having kids these days can be very much about personal status, as well as gaining the approval and acceptance of others.

I see it all of the time. It's a rite of passage where a woman becomes complete, and a full member of the girls' club, and men prove they are grown-up, responsible, and that their swimmers can swim.

Of course, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to change. The pressure to be fertile and have descendants goes back to the ancient times. From an evolutionary perspective, it shouldn't surprise us that our biological urge towards survival of the species tends to manifest itself in our social pressures and norms.

An interesting exception seems to be the single mom who chooses to be a single mom. We consider welfare moms and octa-moms to be the lowest members of society, perhaps because they did not follow the proper rituals, and there is no male to "protect" them.

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I sure wish they would quit taxing me, to pay for other peoples children. Enforce laws on what I can put into my body, but where's the law on how many children one can produce.

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Not only have you made a self centered choice to have a happier life (and the research bears this out) but you have done a service to the world in reducing its population, which is our fundamental concern and the cause of global warming, the lack of fresh water and the many other major pains in our ecological tails. Congratulations on behalf of the world.

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Don't try and justify it. You made a choice and the more you try to explain it the more grief you will get. I am father of 3 kids and I will never fully understand someone who decides not to do this...but I will not criticise them either. I cry when I see my son score a goal or my daughter sing a solo in a concert. I cannot get that ANYWHERE else. I am passing some of my values to the future through them. It is a basic instinct. It is hard to have a rational discussion about our instincts.

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A lot of adults must regard children as pets. They're throwing more pups into the ring to fight over jobs, living space, and eventually air and water. Too many people can multiply, but they can't add.

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My original plan was to not get married or have any children ~ and I figured the only way I was going to get out of it was to become a nun.

Now my plans are only a distant memory as I "got saved" and then MY PLANS didn't matter ~ it was all about "What does GOD want for my life?" Through home schooling associations, we got involved in the Quiverfull/patriarchy movement and found out that what HE wants is "Arrows for the War."

"Like arrows in the hands of a mighty man, so are children in one's youth ~ blessed is the man who has his quiver full of them."

I ended up with seven children ~ despite physical and financial hardships ~ I believed that I had submitted my womb to God's service.

Ugh ~ I'm out of that now and NO LONGER QUIVERING.

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Don't you like children?
I usually answer, I love them... if they're cooked right.
that pretty much ends the conversation.

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Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
Scroll down one full page to see online table. I've listed the reasons below

Reasons given: I can't help it, it's a biological urge.
Real reasons: Unexamined motivations.
Suggested alternatives: Institutions await those who can't control their biological urges.

Reasons given: Want to give our parents grandchildren.
Real reasons: Still seeking parental approval.
Suggested alternatives: Live your own life and encourage your parents to do the same.

Reasons given: I just love children.
Real reasons: Out of touch with inner child, and with existing children.
Suggested alternatives: Adopt, step, and foster parenting. Big Brother/Sister. Work with children, teach.

Reasons given: I have superior human genes.
Real reasons: Doesn't recognize an oxymoron. Megalomania.
Suggested alternatives: Do great things with your genes, rather than expecting the next cultured batch to do it.

Reasons given: Need help on farm or in family business.
Real reasons: Too cheap to hire help. Child labor laws inconvenient.
Suggested alternatives: Mechanization gives faster return on investment.

Reasons given: Want someone to care for me in my old age.
Real reasons: Fear of aging. Exploitative personality.
Suggested alternatives: Save money and prepare for retirement. Be nice to people so they will visit you in the home.

Reasons given: Pregnancy and childbirth are life experiences.
Real reasons: Life choices limited by social indoctrination.
Suggested alternatives: Rent pregnancy simulator. Choose different life experiences.

Reasons given: A good family is essential to career advancement and strong standing in the community.
Real reasons: Social insecurity. Wants trophy children to improve social status.
Suggested alternatives: Rent children from talent agency on special occasions. Have white picket fence installed.

Reasons given: We want to create a life which embodies our love for each other.
Real reasons: Ego, times two, minus imagination, equals three plus.
Suggested alternatives: Garden. Adopt a stream, trail, or hiway. Rescue animals. Protect & restore ecosystems to embody love.

Reasons given: I want my kids (who don't exist yet) to have all the things I didn't have.
Real reasons: Unfulfilled childhood desires and fantasies.
Suggested alternatives: Deal with regrets & make best of life. Provide for existing children.

Reasons given: To carry on family name.
Real reasons: Trying to please Dad. Duped by bloodline superstition.
Suggested alternatives: Create something enduring & give it family name. Donate blood to pass on bloodline.

Reasons given: Want to see a little me.
Real reasons: Self-absorption. Lack of ego gratification.
Suggested alternatives: Order custom-made, life-like doll. Create a gratifying life of your own.

Reasons given: God wants us to.
Real reasons: Mindless obedience to dogma peddlers who want larger flocks.
Suggested alternatives: Seek true nature of God, whatever you perceive God to be.

Reasons given: My wife/husband wants a baby.
Real reasons: Giving in out of fear of losing partner.
Suggested alternatives: Communicate true desires. Spouse may feel you're the one who wants to breed. Rent baby simulator doll.

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Reasons given: Want a child with our bloodline.
Real reasons: Ego extension. Racial identity.
Suggested alternatives: Recognize value of people with different genetic makeups.

Reasons given: It's a spiritual thing for me.
Real reasons: Other reasons too easily refuted.
Suggested alternatives: Find truly spiritual experiences.

Reasons given: I've always wanted to have children, it's what people do.
Real reasons: Unquestioned cultural conditioning.
Suggested alternatives: Consider alternatives. Question expectations. Adopt.

Reasons given: To cement our relationship.
Real reasons: Fear of failed marriage.
Suggested alternatives: Communicate to strengthen relationship. Attend retreats for bonding couples.

Reasons given: I love babies.
Real reasons: Short-sighted view of reality.
Suggested alternatives: Babies soon turn into children, then adults. Infant care work is available.

Reasons given: Being a mother is a woman's highest calling.
Real reasons: Beguiled into believing compliance is noble free choice.
Suggested alternatives: Motherhood, and fatherhood, may be achieved without breeding. Many children wait for good homes.

Reasons given: My child could find a way to save the world.
Real reasons: "Mother of God" complex. (Also applies to men).
Suggested alternatives: If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Reasons given: We'd like to try for a boy/girl this time.
Real reasons: Ego extension. Gender identity insecurity. Dissatisfaction with existing offspring.
Suggested alternatives: Appreciate who you have, they might resent their sibling whose gender is preferred.

Reasons given: I just want to.
Real reasons: Just wants to.
Suggested alternatives: Choosing to breed precludes most other things you'll just want to do.

Reasons given: I want someone who will love me and not leave me.
Real reasons: Fear of rejection. Unresolved relationship issues.
Suggested alternatives: Give love to get love. Accept change and deal with loss.

Reasons given: Our economy needs young workers to replace retired workers.
Real reasons: Willing to sacrifice offspring to gods of National Economy.
Suggested alternatives: Automation reduces need for wage slaves. Consider rights of unconceived to stay that way.

Reasons given: The world needs more of us or we'll be outnumbered.
Real reasons: Elitism. Xenophobia. Eugenics easier to conceal than genocide.
Suggested alternatives: Convert others to your views so there'll be one more of your kind and one less of Them.

Reasons given: We may as well, the planet is doomed anyway.
Real reasons: Nihilistic natalism.
Suggested alternatives: Consider ethics of sentencing an innocent person to life, and death, in ecological collapse.

Reasons given: I'd like to achieve a sense of immortality.
Real reasons: Fear of death and non-existence.
Suggested alternatives: Accept mortality. Spread memes not genes. Socrates' heirs are not apparent, but his ideas linger strong.

Reasons given: My biological clock has gone off.
Real reasons: Women's normal heightened sexual desire in 30s & 40s difficult to accept in puritanical societies.
Suggested alternatives: Disarm that culturally-implanted mental time bomb. It's okay to make love and not babies.

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Reasons given: I don't know.
Real reasons: Never thought about it. Unthinking conformity.
Suggested alternatives: Think before you breed, and you might not.

Reasons given: I might regret not having had the experience later, when it's too late.
Real reasons: Fear of future worries and life passing too fast.
Suggested alternatives: We can't experience everything. Far better to regret not breeding than to regret breeding

Reasons given: I do not want to deny my kids (who do not exist yet) the joy of existence.
Real reasons: Ignoring lack of joy in existing children.
Suggested alternatives: Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence.

Reasons given: Procreation has traditionally been a source of personal empowerment for women.
Real reasons: Feels powerless. Desires power and respect society appears to give to mothers and withholds from others.
Suggested alternatives: Mothers get more lip service than respect. Picking up family's slack is not empowering. Seek self-defined sources of power.

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I think that if you don't want to have children, don't have them. Just don't put down the people who do. Don't call their kids "pets" or moan about "breeders." One of those kids out there that you're mocking might just be the one to change your catheter in the nursing home, and you know, karma's a bitch.

I think that if you want to have children, then have them if you can support and take care of them. Just don't put down the people who choose not to have children. They're not selfish; they're thoughtful, and I have seen parents who I wish had been more thoughtful about the decision to have children.

We have two children. I love them, even when I don't like what they're doing. I can't imagine life without these two bright, frustrating, sweet, strong teens, but that's me. I'm not into making choices for other people.

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Childfree is the authors choice. It is too bad the author feels ridiculed for not having children. That is unfair. Children are a huge responsibility. This author is not as selfish as she is understanding of her own self incompetence at motherhood. I wish more mothers and fathers would look into themselves and if they realize that they are too lazy or self-absorbed to be parents, then don’t. Don’t screw up and produce a person that you cannot prepare for the world.

My four sons have brought me more joy than any other experience in this lifetime. I am proud of these kids. I was not too sure about being a father. I did not think I was mature enough or financially stable enough to have a child. I was surprised with my first son and the twins that followed. (The 99.7% effective rating on the pill is ringing hollow at my house.) I grew into the part of father and it is amazing how motivating keeping a child fed can be for your career.

My oldest is a Senior and the twins and my adopted son are in 8th grade. Without children I would have missed out on first steps, first day of school, first words (dada x 3), first base hit, first touchdown, first dance, first play, first girlfriend and too many incredible experiences that you have to be a parent to understand. You cannot comprehend fear till your teach a 16 yr old how to drive. I owe these boys so much and can never repay them for the wonderful memories and love we have shared. I have not reached the grand parents stage of life yet but instead of worrying about getting old I am looking forward to watching my sons raise my grandchildren.

There were a couple of quotes I had responses for;

“Subsequently we have prepared responses for those who invade our personal lives with the question, "Do you have kids?" as if that is the only characteristic about us that makes us worthy to get to know. How about, "Do you travel?" "Have you been to ... ?" "What’s the last movie you saw?"“

What is the harm in asking if you have kids. People are looking for common bonds to share and have discussions. The author is way too sensitive here.


“I see having a child as a status symbol. It’s like that huge one day event we call a wedding (didn’t have one of those either) The months of preparation, cute little clothes and toys, the parties and such that results in a day of labor and boom ... reality -- marriage and/or child.”

You think status symbol when your mid diaper change, elbow deep in fecal matter looking for a wet wipe when your son pees on your chest. Oh boy!
You think status symbol when you hear of a school bus wreck with injuries on the radio and your sons are not answering their cell phones. My sons were ok, they were not on that bus but per school rules cell phones were turned off.
It is not just one huge day event or one day of labor but a lifetime commitment of joy and pain and caring for a person. You are taking on the greatest of all responsibilities, raising a baby into a person.
I applaud the author for looking into her heart and realizing that she is not the parent type. I wish more would think before they breed. If you look at a child and can not see anything more than a carbon footprint you should just say no to procreation. Your doing the world a favor.

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Deciding to have a child is a personal matter between the couple. If you don't want children, then don't have them. As for the rightwing trolls in this newsgroup making stupid comments such as "HAHAHA, now I can dump my conservative children and outnumber you liberals, nanana-booboo !", I say knock it off. Not all of your children are bound to stay rightwing narrowminds such as yourself. In fact, if they have fewer non "conservatives" to kick around at, they might finally come around and turn out to shed their bastardized "conservatism" you tried to infect their mindsets with. Too much rightwing conservatism has already ruined this nation for 40 years and this country can no longer afford it ! Now grow up and get a life and quit being a braindamanged Limbaugh dittohead spectacle !

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At first I thought this was being facetious--it seems so mean-spirited that I thought it was making fun of people who talk like this. Why the need to defend oneself for not having children--isn't this, like, a personal choice?

Of course, it misses the biggest argument in favor of kids--if you haven't had them, how do you know what you're missing? (Only a childless person could think the relevant trade-off is the one between kids and the Cineplex or the Bahamas.)

And (not surprisingly) it also misses the biggest argument against--namely, that the desire for kids is just a powerful genetic trick, and the children we produce will all face decay, disillusionment, and death. My kids are my greatest joy--but is this just because I've been fooled by my genes, and have I really done them a favor by bringing them here? I think about this all the time. On the other hand, I don't ever think of the "good times" I'm missing.

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I am a retired schoolteacher with two grown children. I love my children dearly but I also remember the struggle to provide for them. Now I see the tragedies and missteps my grandchildren are going through. As a teacher, I have seen the results of unwanted, unplanned children born to people who have no clue about how to care for them. We used to say "people should have to have a license to reproduce and it should be earned by serving five years at a middle school."

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... when it comes to some people's attitudes. As the *voluntary extinction* poster listed, I also agree that many reasons for having kids are exploitative and self-directed. Parents we see nowadays demand A LOT of attention from teachers, caregivers, and anyone unfortunate enough to have to wait on them in restaurants or stores. No one asked these people to have babies, but they hold themselves up as martyrs for giving so much of their lives to start a family.

I must say that it is a very North American attitude to be so righteous about this. When I talk to colleagues in Europe, they mention how important it is to maintain their personal life even if they have kids. That means taking time out (i.e. going for dinner; playing music in a band without incurring the wrath of one's spouse) and not centering every activity around the children. Not to do this is to become stupid and limited in social development. I have many friends who are barely literate after spending three or four years in close contact with their children!

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The truly selfish act is having children. If you chose to have a child did you ask the child if it wanted to be born - and, inevitably, to die? Did the person you create for your wholly selfish reasons have a vote in the matter?

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Why is it considered selfish for a person who does not want children not to have children, but not selfish for a person who does want children to have them? Aren't both doing what they want for themselves?

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"Idiocracy" (rent it)

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Their is a very sad little child in heaven looking down and saying, "Mommy, why don't you want me?" that will never have life.

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I have friends and family who have decided not to have children. I have friends and family who would like to have children and cannot. And I have friends and family who have children and some who are planning to have children when the time is right.

All of these people have an equal right to their decisions, and I have yet to hear any of them go on and on about why their choices are justified. I've lived in cities, towns, and rural areas, and I'm almost 62 years old, but I have never, ever encountered the attitude that not having children is selfish, except for religious articles that promote prolific propagation as mandated by God. Even my religious friends have never expressed any condemnation for those who don't want children.

I have two grown children, and I am glad I do. I never was eager for them to grow up and leave home, and I was most definitely not "unhappy" in stores or restaurants when they were small. But I, along with my friends, family, and acquaintances, have the greatest respect for anyone who does not want children. How can this possibly be selfish? Having more children than one can afford, having children because they are a status symbol, or having children in order to increase the size of a religious sect - those are selfish acts.

The author may have been unfortunate in her association with people who disapprove of her choice, but the tone of the article is one of excessive protest. Why does this woman feel the need to publicly defend herself?

There are many organizations and individuals who believe the world's population is growing too fast. Increasing numbers of couples have elected not to have children. Childlessness, purposeful or otherwise, is not an anomaly that leaves one isolated and shunned.

Some people seem to have a drive to reproduce, while others don't. It's that simple, and there is no need to set up straw figures (these people who make the author feel selfish or insecure or whatever her problem is) in order to justify what is a very, very personal decision.

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Thank you so much for writing this. I love children and there are days I wonder what it would be like to have kids of my own. But I also know that it's by far the most difficult job anyone can ever have. I have great respect for parents because I know it's not the kind of job you can ever take a day off from. But too many people have kids for all the wrong reasons. You talk of being selfish. Well some of these people are the selfish ones. They think about how kids will make them happy or their parents happy, they think about how they're getting older and they "have" to have kids soon. You never hear anyone say how lucky a child would be to have them for parents. Let's face it. Raising kids in America is expensive. I know having families shouldn't be reserved for the wealthy, but if you can't support them, then why have them? It takes a lot of courage to say you're not cut out to be a parent, that you don't have the means, or that you don't want to change your lifestyle. There's nothing selfish about that.

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It's your life, and your body. You have every right to refuse to have children, and nobody has the right to ask that you explain or justify yourself or your choices. If they do, tell them to mind their own business. If they persist, kill them.

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The author writes, "...I am a woman. I have all the biological requirements to have a child."

I would dispute that assertion.

Obviously, you lack one "biological requirement" to have child.

And I think that "biological requirement" is obvious.

:P

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Even if their kids turn out to be unruly, there has to be some moments of feeling younger and happier when one is holding the child. And even if one marries late, there's always adoption which sure beats leaving those children in those torture hell orphanages.

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I really hope your plans succeed - mine didn't. I got pregnant while conscientiously taking birth control pills. I got pregnant with an IUD implanted. I got pregnant while religiously using a diaphragm. And when I asked for a tubal ligation (since nothing else seemed to work), I was told that I was "too young" to make that decision. At the time, I was 30. I told the doctor in question that not only could he arrange for my children to visit me at the county mental hospital, he could also arrange the college funds for them. He scheduled the surgery.

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If you have the courage ask your parents why they had you.

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If the author is right, those who are fooled into thinking kids are wonderful would recognize the error of their ways when they see their product of conception howling because of a full diaper or a few years when they have to figure out how to get the super glue and feathers off junior.

Instead, the people who have one kid tend to have more even if the first one is special needs or a pain in the ass.

If the author doesn't want to have kids that's fine, and it's one reason I think abortion should be legal--people who don't want kids may not turn out to be very good parents--but it's odd that someone feels the need to evangelize others about her choice that is unlikely to win many converts.

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holds firm today, "I won't have children... because I don't necessarily think the World is a better place if I shit out more primates... I'm not that fucking special"

unfortunately, it means there won't be anyone around to check my feeding tubes in my last years... if I get that far.

So I ask myself, why exactly do I have to suffer extra years simply because some dipshit lawyer, doctor or medical institution is freaked out about LEGAL REPERCUSSIONS if I want to end my years early? Because I have no advocate for my conditions of care & suffering?

...maybe I don't want to drool on myself for 5 years when I'm 95?
...maybe I don't think I should have to struggle to live for months or years?
...maybe I don't believe my dogs & cats should have more mercy shown on their medical miseries than I'll ever get?
...maybe I don't believe that industrially warehousing the Aged or Infirm is a humane solution?

Being childless bears a serious follow-up question:
who will decide how you die... or how you live until you do?




perspective, people.


Perspective.

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Of all the decisions I ever made, the one not to have children is the one I have never had one twinge of regret over. I am 48 and I am sure that window is closed for biological kids and I say Hallelujah!

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I wonder if a restructuring of the tax system in this country would make a difference in the number of people who have children and the number of children they have. As it stands now the highest tax rates go to the singles. Simply being married entitles you to a lower tax rate. Having children entitles you to a lower rate and lots of deductions. (Not to mention the illusion that having children entitles you to the praise that comes with being a "family person".)

I think that a family of five has five people using the resources that taxes provide. Why should they get such a huge benefit for less cost than a single or a married couple with no children.

If one wants children then they must be ready to provide for them. They should not expect the rest of society to pay for their personal desires or weaknesses. Do away with the deductible for each child or tax the number of people in a family. Or charge a surtax for each child attending public schools.

Having children or not having children is a choice. Don't make singles, senior citizens, or childless couples pay for someone elses choice to have children.

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While the technical definition of selfish means that you think only of yourself, in practice it also means that you are NOT thinking of someone else's welfare. So if someone calls my wife and I selfish for not wanting to have children, my question to that person usually is, "who exactly are we NOT thinking of"? or "who are we putting ourselves ahead of"? An unborn child? Some other parent's child in the future who lost out on the opportunity to play video games with our non-existent boy? Some church who lost out on having an extra parishioner, or some politician who lost out on getting an extra vote? Are these examples of people or things that my wife and I should have put ahead of our own needs, desires, and happiness? It sounds lucicrous, doesn't it? So please don't ever allow someone to call you and your husband selfish for your choice not to have children. I think it's a derogatory term that has no application to your situation. My wife and I made our decision not to have children within a year of our marriage in 1972, and have never regretted it at all.

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Child free by choice! Me too. I am a 63 year old retired special ed teacher. I never wanted children - never even played with dolls. I loved to teach, but had no desire to come home to more children. I never wanted to be in a position where I was dependent on another person to take care of me and the children. There are way too many people on this planet, and I'm proud that I never added mine to the mess we are in. I have never regretted my decision to be child free, and I think it's selfish to have children - you are just adding a bigger burden to our overpopulated and over-consuming world.

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You would think having a chronic condition you were afraid of passing on to future generations would settle this argument but it doesn't. Despite being disabled by three major mental illnesses I still get disappointed remarks from people who think, "Aww, but you'd make such a good mother!" Really? I can't even hold down a job! One person was disappointed that I could be a mental health activist and still maintain the seemingly hypocritical stance that I would rather be childless than risk bringing another person with a debilitating illness into this world, like I was betraying my position if I wasn't willing to create a human life as the ultimate prop. I guess I'm weird that way.

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Having children is all about personal choice. It's no one's business but your own. My wife and I always knew we wanted to have children but it took 12 years of marriage and trying until it happened. During the first child's gestation my wife suffered a dangerous syndrome, but the doctor said don't worry about it as it won't happen again, well unfortunately it did with the second and therefore last child. Luckily she got through both problems by the skin of her teeth. We now have two sons and we wouldn't change a thing. Our lives are fulfilled and busy. Both sons are in their 20s and therefore independant and living their own lives but family is still very important to them and family Sunday dinners are de rigeur (along with girfriends etc). I still fondly remember raising them and very selfishly wish we could do it all over again. They were my happiest times of my life.

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I'm the oldest in a family of four. I'm the oldest girl grandkid, and cousin in a big extended family. My life from about nine or ten was one long baby-sitting gig.
Coming home after a busy work day, many have been the times I collapse into chair, beer in hand, and thank the Gods I do not have a kid.

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Unless you're willing to back it up with action. So many of the people who feel the need to justify their decision not to have children fall back on the carbon footprint argument. Then details from their lives emerge in subsequent posts (like the vocal proponent on limiting the reproduction of others who then mentioned that she and her hubby inhabit a four bedroom, three bath house in a canyon that is off the public transit grid). Or those who mention casually that they are free to consume as much as their incomes allow. These people aren't giving back to the society and culture that produced them. They need not do so by having children, but are they off the hook for conserving their own use of energy and space? Are they off the hook for charitable giving, both of time and money? Are they off the hook for investing in their communities? While there are those who like to refer to parents as selfish, the majority of parents are pretty plugged in to their communities and have an incentive to try to make the world a better place so that their children will have something of their own. People's reproductive choices are their own business, but I'm not going to be lectured about carbon footprints by globe-trotting yuppies sitting pretty in mcmansions when I try to limit my driving, my chemical use, grow my own food, donate to local charities, stay involved in politics, and recycle everything I can and teach my kids to do the same.

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Every person has the right to decide whether or not to have children, and how many (if they can support them), and not be criticized for it. (Though it pains me to admit it about those Quiverfull wingnuts.)

My husband and I were certain we didn't want kids, until we reached our 40s. I had my medical career, we loved being a childless couple. But then we started to contemplate what our later years would be like, once our own parents were gone, with only one sibling between us, other relatives far away... So we adopted two precious girls, and they are the lights of our lives.

Maybe this author will change her mind, or maybe not. It's no one's business but hers.

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I am so grateful that I didn't have kids. didn't have em dont miss them

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As our numbers are in the billions and growing, (I believe that the population has doubled twice in the past 100 years. It took from the beginning of humans til 100 years ago to do it the first time) I see it as careless to produce children with no thought of the planet or the consequences of an ever increasing number.

I am in my 5th decade and have borne no child. The hard part for me has not been defending my decision, but the actual ABILITY to be able to carry out said choice.

Let me explain. In the very early 80's when my husband and I decided to marry and on the condition that I would not have children, I consulted with my doctor. Maybe things have changed but back then I had to literally do BATTLE in order to ensure that medically I had zero risk of pregnancy.

I asked my doctor to tie my tubes. He said that I was "Too young to know how I really felt about having children". Mind you he was talking to a grown married woman! He added that surely my husband would never approve of such a decision. After talking to my husband himself, MY doctor suggested a vasectomy for my husband. Maybe he thought no man would ever really do such a thing and gave us the name of a doctor for my husband.

We went to this "vasectomy doctor". He told us both that again, I was simply too young to know my own mind and that my husband would be wise to keep his options open. He pointed out to them that he already had a son and that was all that he wanted. He basically had to push the issue.

As I said, I sure hope it is easier for a woman to choose a medically fail safe option for not being forced into reproduction or pregnancy.

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I find it interesting that despite your repeated claims of making a decision and sticking to it, you haven't taken the final step of sterilization. Go ahead, get your tubes tied, or better yet, let your husband get the vasectomy (it's not too bad!). I don't have a problem with your choice, just don't evangelize unless you're truly committed.

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but I don't agree with giving people who do a guilt trip. Americans only have an average 2.1 birthrate,so we aren't having tons of kids a peace.

Our environmental footprint is a result of overconsumption, not too many kids.

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I'm 63 and long ago made the decision to NEVER have children. I remember that when I was in 10th grade health class and I said that I would never have children, the class came down on my head.

What do you MEAN you're never going to have children? You're a female. That's what females DO!!!

I made the decision to NEVER bring a child into this utterly rotten world. What for? There are too many people in it as it is.

What I've always found interesting is how many people have told me that I'm selfish. What the hell is selfish about not wanting to contribute to overpopulation? That makes no sense to me!

What I find utterly selfish is those who accuse ME of being selfish and then go on to duplicate themselves, as though doing that is the most WONDERFUL thing in the world. What is so WONDERFUL about duplicating yourself? All you're doing is contributing what we don't need: MORE PEOPLE.

And the utter nonsense that infertile people go through in order to duplicate themselves, when there are many many unwanted children dying for a home, parents, and a family. If you're in such desperate straights to duplicate yourselves, you might just try giving a home to an unwanted child. If you REALLY want a kid, then adopt.

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As the eldest of six I always knew I was not going to have any of my own. I played the "Mom" game in my teens after my mom had a nervous breakdown and taking care of the household fell to me. I thank her for that now.

Everyday I express my gratitude for not having children. I have time for romance with my husband, we can go out and do whatever we want whenever we want to. No worries about Little Johnny getting grabbed up by a pedophile or dying before us. (This just happened to our neighbors; it is devastating and they will have to live with that forever.)

Really if it's so great to be a parent, then why must all the parents in this blog sell it so hard? I think that once you have a kid, you have to tell people you love being a parent whether you do or not. If you admitted that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, then you risk looking stupid.

As for being able to cry with joy after seeing your child kick a goal or do well in a play, that's fine, but I cry with joy at watching a hummingbird mother sit on her nest, or having my husband spend ten minutes gazing into my eyes. I'm fulfilled in the cry-with-joy department. (What parent has ten minutes to gaze into their partner's eyes?)

Yep, it was a pain in the you-know-where when we were in our 20's and 30's and everybody would ask "When are you two going to start a family?" (As if the two of us weren't already a family). Now in our 50's what a delight to never have to hear that again, and just enjoy all the pleasures of our child-free life. If you don't know what it's like to not have a child, then how can you say it's better to have 'em?

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Bravo! I wish more people would think like the author.

Besides if any child-free-by-choice people really have that reproductive urge, they can borrow my two offspring for a day or weekend any time! I guarantee it'll nip that urge in the bud and provide me and my mate with 24 hours of temporary happiness.

We love our boogers tons but dangit, it really does take a village and so far that village ain't steppin' up.

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Of course raising children is hard sometimes, but it's worth the worry, expense, time, grey hairs (the teenage years) and impaired waistline. If you're lucky your child will eventually turn into a reasonably sentient human being. But if you're really lucky,you will gain a grandchild or two. All the fun and tenderness without much of the slog can be yours.

I agree that women should be free to choose whether they want to breed or not - after all it's a life-long commitment. What sometimes irritates me is the inability of a few women on both sides of the equation to appreciate the legitimacy of choices different from their own.

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I had two daughters, loved them, sacrificed for them, delayed a career for them, encouraged them to be all they could be, shared what money I had with them, endured an extemely stressful marriage so that they could have what they needed. I finally divorced when they were teenagers. Now I am 73 years old and still working, having no retirement income after many years of unemployment. One daughter threatened me, the other refused to help me when I was on the verge of homelessness. I am doing well now and have no contact with them. I now regret having children. I could have completed a college education and had employment for many years, and probably been retired by now. I deeply regret spending my youth on a family that no longer exists. I wish I had been wiser when I was young.

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. . . for sharing your thoughts on this decision, which I'm sure has resulted in much harassment for you. Your reasons are all sound.

However, I would disagree with one of your comments. You're not being "selfish." To be selfish requires that you unjustifiably put your own interests ahead of those of someone else. Simply deciding not to have children harms no one else's legitimate interests. In fact, as you have noted, by deciding not to contribute to overpopulation, you have done the rest of us a favor. So, your decision could legitimately be construed as altruistic, not selfish.

Having children because you think you're "supposed to" and then failing to raise them in a loving and supportive home is selfish. Such selfishness is all too common. Other potential parents would do well to emulate your decision-making process (if not necessarily your decision).

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my doctor recently reminded me that if i am going to have a child, i had better get busy trying due to conception stats for women my age. i've always thought that eventually i would like to be a mother, and more so when my husband and i met and married. we have so much to offer a child and are pretty convinced we would raise a decent, conscientious human being. but i have to say, as i witness what is going on in the world, and particularly in the u.s., i have my doubts about whether it would be fair to bring a child into this mess. i don't believe that humans, as a species, are evolving and improving. to the contrary, i see that we are becoming less civilized and more aggressive and predatory in our behaviors. most governments are corrupt and controlled by corporations and the view seems that be that people, human beings, are disposable the moment they are not producing wealth and fodder for the power elite. i do not trust the situation will improve anytime soon as we are dumbing down the population to such a degree that individuals are either too exhausted and apathetic, or too stupid to make positive decisions for themselves. if we were to have a child, my husband and i agree that we would never raise our daughter or son in the u.s. because the culture is bankrupt and a parent simply cannot protect or shield a child from culture. when we look around at today's youth, they appear to be intellectually challenged little sociopaths -- the little monsters that the media and society have trained them to be.

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I personally don't plan to have any kids and my girfriend of six years feels the same. We also don't want to get married (at least not in the traditional way), and I love going against the grain on some of these so called "traditions" and "thats just what lifes about" lifestyles. I don't despise the smart people who logically think about having a child and all that it implies (can we provide for this child? are we happy? do we have the money?). No, I despise the people that keep pumping so many kids out that they need a leash to keep track of them! The people who have kids because all their freinds did and now it's their turn. Why should the rest of society have to suffer because people can't be responsible when it comes to having a child or using birth control? Why do we all have to shoulder the ecological burden because some people don't consider the environmental impacts of overpopulation? On the other hand, I have two amazing nephews that I love tremendously! I think that I make a better uncle than I would a father and maybe my thoughts about having kids will change over time. But, as selfish as it may sound I don't want to give up the freedoms I have without a youngster depending on me 24/7. I have chosen my path wisely and I just hope that others will do the same.

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Let's see: I was raised in an extremely conservative Catholic family, as were my four siblings. Three of us have recognized the failures of conservatism and are proudly liberal. The other two are hardly as conservative as Mom and Dad. My own three sons, ages 25, 27, and 30, are even more liberal than I am. My husband, by the way, was/is a born-again Pentecostal. While the boys are respectful towards the conservative and religious members of the family, they have nothing but disdain for the ideology itself. Will they stay liberals? I hope so, but I've got no guarantee. I raised them to think for themselves, which is probably why they rejected the conservatism that surrounds them in the family and in our very conservative community.

To suggest that your offspring are conservatives for life is premature, unless you've brainwashed them. Or you're planning to control every experience they ever have.

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I realized after having children and becoming an actual contributing memeber of society that people who don't have children don't know a fucking lick what they are talking about.

Everything that spews forth from thier mouth is pure theory.

By the way if no one had children your dumb ass would never have been born.

Read some books, thousands, have some kids then get back to me.

Peace

P.S. Children are are NEVER planned. If you plan for them they NEVER come. Man plans and god laughs. When your done being a child you'll know what I'm talking about.

REALLY good sex and the throws of passion bring children. If it doesn't happen by "accident" your probably still a chikld yourself.

Oh, yeah. If your a real, loving person raising shildren is a tremendous responsibility. Yes children will drag you out of your self obsessed spoiled ego centric way of life. Call it a rebirth cause it can be painful. But its all for the better.

Let the population work itself out.

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It's late, so I don't know if I'll be able to articulate this idea floating in my head...

First, let me say that if you don't want to have kids, fine, don't. Doesn't matter to me one way or the other, and I do think that there are legitimate questions to be raised about population growth and the myriad impending ecological catastrophes that are coming our way... BUT...

Something about the reasoning and defensiveness of this piece sits weird with me, and I think it's because its lens is too narrow. Yes, our contemporary culture is a bit pathological in its fixation on raising children--point taken. But isn't the "my lover and I will live happily ever after" just as much of a pathological fixation of our contemporary culture? Why is one a fool's errand and the other a noble venture?

Second, doesn't this focus on not having a child because there will be moments of unpleasantness or debating whether or not it's selfish MISS some sort of "circle of life" understanding--that we are all part of this process and that it is perfectly reasonable to participate in birth, life, aging, and death--and that, in the end, the suffering and loss along the way have as much meaning as the joy and love? Is it selfish to be born? Is it selfish to die? Since when does "selfishness" have anything to do with these biological processes that exist before and beyond us? To proudly opt out of it as some kind of statement of enlightenment and virtue strikes me as another cultural pathology--a culture increasingly too far removed from the realities of nature, so much so, that it's almost, I dunno, embarrassing in its narrowness and the arrogance that legitimates that narrowness. I realize that I'm about to trip headfirst into a biologically determinist argument with these points, which bothers me intellectually, so i guess it's time for me to quit while I'm confused...

and go to sleep. Because I'm selfish--a better person wouldn't need to sleep.

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Thanks for your very refreshing article.
I love it when people 1. tell us what to do 2. Explain why they know better.
I cannot help but laugh when reading some comments, some people tell you that it would make you so much happier to have kids, when you write in the article that there is nothing more annoying!
The main principle for me is "you have the freedom to do what you want from your life as long as your actions do not impair your neighbour's life and freedom".
I find it quite interesting that some people take your choice as a personal attack on them and their ideas...

Also wanted to say, quite liked the beginning of your article, many women believe that to bear a child will make them a full woman!
I do not have kids yet, am hoping to have some, but I am a complete human being, with or without child!

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Some people have children, some don't, some can't, some adopt, some go to ridiculous lengths to have their "own" children. So? What is this doing on AlterNet? Slow news day?

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Excellent article. I would like to recommend a book entitled "Nobody's Mother" that was recently published in BC, Canada. It is a series of essays written by women who are not mothers and never will be -- either through choice or life circumstances. It really helps create a different point of view from the one society gives us -- that yes life CAN be fulfilling without kids.

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Please don't pass on your bad spelling gene or your rabid-dog hatred of people who aren't Just Like You to any of your progeny, OK? I hope you didn't already reproduce!

Time for a trip to the vet, for you! Snippety snip!!

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Thanks for posting this article.

It always gets a rise out of ppl when you make your stand, doesn't it? LOL!!

I've known that I've wanted to be childfree since I was 9 years old. With each passing year, that feeling has grown stronger.

I also feel that you don't have to HAVE kids to help and/or enjoy kids. I'm the crazy-aunt figure to several of my friends' children, which is satisfying enough for me.

There are so, so, sooooooooooo many parents who, if they were brutally honest with themselves and everyone else around them, would undo their parental decision in a New York minute. The louder they protest the sentiments of the childfree, the more transparent they become.

I wish more ppl would THINK....THINK....before they breed. No child should be hated or unwanted by their own parents.

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I agree with the writer on her and her partner's choice to not have kids, her reasons for doing so. but I also see it from the joyful parent perspective, not that I ever was one for kids. as a transsexual,lesbian-oriented woman [ MTF ] before I saw parenthood as a total sell-out; only because it seems from my views that everybody I knew became " just another boring parent"
But three years almost into estrogen therapy and hell, have I felt that maternal instinct at times lately. this when I read in LGBT publications like Gay Parent about lesbian women deciding to have children. following a link in their story to their family's blog, I saw all those photos of their son; whom unfortunately has down's syndrome but is absolutely the most darling child, so cute ! do I need to say I was in tears and doing some soul searching in myself when I saw their 3 year old son laying watching football with his mama; his birth mother right next to them. I then asked myself, " would I be open to this if I met a partner whom had her kids already?"

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I never wanted children. As an adult, I used contraception even after my husband had the vasectomy, just to be certain.

I have worked for numerous childish, tantrum-throwing adults.
I have endured legions of demoniacal, tantrum-throwing, irresponsible, infantile, customers, clients, and family members.

Anyone who wants children can adopt an adult anywhere, anytime, who can be counted upon to behave just like a child the majority of the time. Some even have child-like charm on occasion.

Our nation is run by puerile politicians and (if lifestyle is any indication) CEO's, playing comic-book games with the 1/3 or so of our income they confiscate.

White trash and black trash men alike insist that women prove their genetic authenticity by providing sex on demand, then claim that we're insufficiently womanly. White and black trash women then get pregnant to prove the XX component, instead of proving that they have genetic guts enough to throw the bums out and prove that they're worth the trouble of breeding.

With all of this immaturity running rampant, anyone wanting a child should be able to acquire one without incurring additional social, ecological, or (much) personal expense.

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My wife and I decided to not have children before we married 20 years ago, have never regretted the decision and regularly contribute to family planning organizations. Overpopulation is either the cause of, or exacerbates, nearly every problem the world has. Having a large family is very selfish, unless you adopt your children.

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Mom and Dad had a big family - but no matter what happened before I had to deal with the situation I was in...what did I choose - not gonna tell....because some of you are missing the point. You have to gauge the situation you are in and your reason's why...it's not a one size fits all world and the creator gave us free will and this country (allegedly) gives us free choice.

What if you are an alcoholic - should you pass those genes onto your children....?

What if you are smart and athletic and well adjusted....?

Kids are overrated. Like the free market system - they aren't the panacea to cure what ails you or us as a nation or world. They are like peas in a pod - all different shapes and sizes. Each one has their own personality traits. They aren't supermen and women and isn't that too much to expect? In the end they will be human beings some good, some bad, mostly in between.

If you think they are going to take care of you in your old age - you are being foolish - they might not have any extra money - they may not like you - they may be horrible people.

There are no guarantees.

My neighbor - great guy - wonderful wife - when he had his first kid - he was the leading advocate for having babies, walked on air.... by the time his second one rolled around - he understood why people didn't have them all too clearly.

For those who think 18 years and that's it - they are going to be in for a huge surprise or just be horrible parents - cutting your kids off or kicking them out at 18 is disastrous.

Children are a life long commitment. They'll be calling you with their problems until you are buried in the ground or scattered on the wind.

Children are probably best brought into the world when you are in your twenties - you don't sleep and the energy requirement is huge...and you still need a good support system of family, friends and neighbors...

Get a good 401k and read, read, read to the little buggers. If you are going to have children you have a duty of citizenship to teach them well.

Good people can still do great things to make this a better world, spread joy, laughter, and help one another - that is what we are here for....regardless of their kid count.

Having children doesn't make you great or good or even helpful. It's not an automatic and those who think it is - make horrible parents and are a drain on society and the planet. And for you religious types - it doesn't make you holy either.

Your actions and your intentions together are what count.

Peace to all,

Paul
Author-Journey Home

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All those screaming, tantrum-throwing kids everyone is talking about turn into raving liberals...... I mean lunatics. Whoops, did I say that out loud???

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I heartily agree: YOU should not reproduce.

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Boy did this article seem so familiar. We are so happy to hear that others feel the same way we do.

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Interesting to read the comment regarding kids as a status symbol in this article today after being impressed by a comment heard yesterday on NPR during a discussion on how children are faring under the current economic crises. They said that children are feeling more grounded by their parents need to reign in financial expenditures and less like symbols. I presume they meant status symbols, although they may have been trying to be kind by not stating it so pointedly.

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I hear you, I understand you, I respect you, I would not argue with you. My own married son and his wife have opted not to have children and I would defend to the death your right to make that decision too. But there is another tiny piece of this situation that did not occur to me until I started getting seriously old, and that is that when you are old you need somebody to ride shotgun for you. Our son will visit this weekend. He will (as always) get our computer fixed up, and repair the wall where his father's wheelchair bashed into it, and install a few things that need installing, and advise on some new software. We will commiserate about the stock market and gossip about family and friends. We will take him and the lovely daughter he brought us out to dinner. Life will be richer for the time they are here. And I worry that when either of them is one day left alone, they will be existentially alone. You need to be aware that you will not always be the age you are now, and that the decisions you make now really do have an impact on your future. Your dog, no matter how faithful and loving, can't take you to a nursing home when the time comes.

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...Is a choice that is not easy to make. Being informed, compassionate and having the ability, time and resources to raise them can be all consuming financially especially in terms of obligations set by the state. Whom it would seem will practically run your lives with edicts. In actuality this translates to many years devotion of a good chunk of your life. Especially in this newer type of secular society with the promotion and incessant deluge of so called indivdiualism.

The rules of childrearing are not to say the least frightening. At it's worst easily classed by the state as criminal against a parent for the slightest indiscretion. I heard many thoughtful couples state that bringing your own child in the world is a risky business. Not simply in terms of the ease in which interpersonal relationships can breakdown due to the pressures of solitary nuclear parenting. By that I mean that community, extended family support and respite to a degree that is truly supportive is remiss. You are truly on your own and as one lawyer friend stated, every child brought in to the world today has a price tag attached to it. This was reinforced in reference to perhaps the way US society views children by three polish and two hungarian families with infants. Who chose to migrate back to their homeland with words to the effect that their children would be better off in the old country than here.

Perhaps it is all part of big Bubbas plan for planned reverse social engineering. Whatever it is this article was honest but could have been more detailed on other factors that affected the choices.

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let me start by saying that i liked the article and think that the author shouldnt have to answer to anyone about her decision not to have children.

but i think it is interesting when people say having children is selfish in terms of overpopulation.

why do you think you have any more of a right to be here than someone elses child? because you were here first? you are someones child. you are a burden.

is it selfish to stay alive? as we are all burdens on this earth.

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The global economy is forming, we'll all be peasants working on the farms of the rich soon. The enviornment is degrading, there's nothing left. Why bring an innocent person to live through the misery to come? The party's over and the warring chimps have finally defiled their enviornment once and for all. Goodbye earth, no I'm not going to make another person who will have to live through it and suffer just to fulfill my own vanity.

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