Domestic Violence in its most common form -men harming women- is a SYMPTOM of the greater social disease, not a problem unto itself.

The aritcle hits on the main immediate solution:

Distance enforced by strong allies.

This is what is needed in abusive cases and I am glad that the writer had these things available and took hold of them.

But domestic violence is not some ideopathic disease of men. It results from negative social situations and their emotional impacts across relationships and generations.

We can deal with domestic violence.

But to eliminate it will take a bottom-up and top-down reform of our socio-cultural atmosphere.

This is the larger goal that we should be aiming for.

-matti.

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I agree in part with Matti. I think you miss the point entirely when you first blame yourself slightly for the abuse, write about your abusive relationship in a detached manner, describe the abuse anecdotally and try to justify unconvincingly why you stayed, and then state in a casual way that Rihanna has more ahead of her. When you, clearly an intelligent, successful woman, write an article like this, you really perform a disservice because you continue to make abuse seem anomalous, almost fantastical--a series of incidents, and your thinking "magical" while citing statistics that suggest that it's common. Does that make women who stay irrational? You make yourself sound irrational. But clearly you are not, and the millions of women in this country who have gone back are not irrational either. You didn't file charges and were worried about Lenny being disbarred because you LOVED him. You stayed because you LOVED him. You were very attached to Lenny. We often love people and things that are destructive. We love the good sides of these people and the good sides of these destructive systems, and we hope that love will alter the bad. Rihanna probably hopes that her love for Chris will help him reform. I think that though it's rare that people who're physically or verbally abusive reform, it's possible with the will to change and the right therapist who has worked with abusive men. I think your article needs quite a bit of work before it expresses anything valuable beyond the "it takes women 6 times" statistic because you're never fully honest about why you didn't leave, and I think it would help other women hear you admit, as an intelligent successful woman, that you loved the good side of the abusive man you were with.

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All I can say is I'm glad that you survived, I hope you're now OK and I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

Long May You Run.

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No doubt it would have added some bulk to the article, but I think it would be helpful if some discussion were evoted to the characteristics of the man who became the author's second husband. Too often we are given all the warning signs of what to avoid, and too seldom we are told what to look for to embrace. Not just in personal relationships, but in many areas of life.

This author is in the ideal position to discuss the contrasts between personality traits of men to avoid and men to love. Perhaps she would consider doing so. It would be more interesting and informative than an evaluation of just one side of the issue. The story of her abusive partner is interesting and topical but offers no alternative choice. The danger of reading it alone is that women may see many of the signs in their relationship, but not knowing clearly what an alternative looks like, convince themselves that their guy "isn't perfect, but I don't believe he's an abuser".

Coversely, a narrative about "Mr. Wonderful" can come off as simple-minded and worshipful if no depth of understanding of other possibilities is demonstrated.

I would encourage the author to consider creating a comparative guidebook, I think it would be more helpful than a stand alone discussion of just one or the other side. She has an engaging style of writing and certainly the experiences from which to draw material.

This is no criticism of the article as it stands, it's appropriate to the time and the venue, it just seems she has more to offer, which could be even more helpful.

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I noticed that the author states her abusive ex was short. Has anyone ever studied if short men beat their wives more often? I'm serious about this. Short men are often more aggressive and have higher testosterone - that's why short, bald, stocky, and thick brow-ridges often go together in a "Barney Rubble" kind of look. Testosterone cuts off vertical height growth, so short men often have the highest testosterone counts.

The abusive ex was also the partner of a law firm, which is likely due in part to inherited wealth. This means that he has no real personal discipline, but feels pressure not to let down his Dad. He must also compete successfully against taller, better-looking adversaries in court - which again suggests a highly-aggressive man.

Not trying to insult short people, just asking the question...it's proven fact that bald people are more violent and aggressive, and short and bald often correlate.

I'm over 6-feet with a thick head of hair, so women can feel safe with me!

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" Lenny put his shoes -- with shoe trees, no less -- in my closet after our second date. "

BIG red flag. I mean HUGE. I don't see how, even now, after you supposedly understand the dynamic that was at play, how you seem to think that his moving personal items into your space after only the second date was a good thing.

"he said "I love you" before I even thought to."

Again, a HUGE red flag. Bigger that the shoe trees. I'm really not sure you've studied up on even the most cursory list of behaviors common to abusers even after you were involved with one.

This article you've written could actually be damaging - Why haven't you educated yourself about abusive personalities even if only to pass the information along to your readers.

A MAN WHO TRIES TO CLAIM SPACE IN YOUR HOME TOO SOON IS NOT A GOOD GUY.

A MAN WHO PROFESSES LOVE BEFORE YOU ARE 'EVEN THINKING OF IT' IS NOT A GOOD GUY.

Jeez, this stuff is right out of "how to recognize an abuser 101"!

"Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her."

- http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
or any of the thousands of other google results: http://www.google.com/search?q=signs+of+an+abuser&rls=com.
----

So, how does a woman end up in an abusive relationship? A big part of it is FAILURE to become familiar with the classic warning signs of an abuser. Why oh Why didn't you include even a cursory mention of what some of those warning signs are for your readers who may not be aware of them?

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There has been work done educating women about psychopathology. One author that has done an amazing job is Sandra Brown M.A, with her book "How to Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" and "Women Who Love Psychopaths" Our society supports these guys. And they come in more flavors than physical abusers as well. The work and education is ongoing. A site for more info is www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com It is much more difficult than people realize, and anyone can find themselves in it. Education is the key. I will never fault a woman for not leaving again.

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Republicans abuse and Democrats enable. Yet we let the rotten system keep going on. It takes a lot of lies and threats to keep the useless rich in power.

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Hip-hop has 4 elements: DJ-ing, rapping, breakdancing, and graffiti art. Not singing! O.K. Seriously, in what possible sense is Rihanna hip-hop? Hip-hop influenced? Sure.

From wikipedia:

Rihanna's music has been described as a Reggae/R&B/Dancehall vibe. With the release of her debut album Music of the Sun and its lead single "Pon de Replay", Jason Birchmeier of Allmusic described Rihanna's musical style as "synthesize Caribbean rhythms and beats with standard-issue urban dance-pop: Caribbean-inflected urban, if you will." Rihanna is also described as utilizing "dancehall-lite beats and a reggae vocal cadence." NME describes the singer as a "heady mix of dancehall, reggae and R&B." Barry Walters of Rolling Stone considers Rihanna's A Girl Like Me to be "[lightweight dancehall and R&B jams." After the release of Good Girl Gone Bad, Allmusic's Andy Kellman credits Rihanna to be "as pop as pop gets."

Notice how hip-hop isn't even mentioned. Not all black musicians are "hip-hop".

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The underlying reason that victims do not leave is fear-it's a fear that becomes so much a part of you that you don't even know it is there. Abusers are very controlling, manipulating people who will initially isolate you and cut you off from contact with anyone else and then threaten you with consequences if your behavior doesn't fall into line. Without any outside support or even contact you fall into a pattern of continuing intimidation that becomes a way of life-and it can be hard to recognize. One of the first red flags is someone who tries to force you to choose between him/her and everyone else, and then attempts to control you actions by emotional and/or physical blackmail-and in the beginning it can be so subtle you don't even see it coming. Only when you finally recognize the existence of the underlying fear will you be able to change the pattern and walk away.

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firmly in place, abuse wouldn't happen... in the old days, my relatives (Lakota) had a system for abusers... first incident either verbal or physical, her brothers or their sons if they were old enough to take on the old man, would take the guy outside and kill him...

if somehow he managed to survive, he was cast out on the prairie by himself after being cut up in a certain way that would let all the surrounding tribes know this guy was bad news... kept everyone in check...

funny thing today, if a guy is a known abuser and connected with a 'traditional' family and his body shows up dead or cut on in a certain pattern, his death is chalked up to 'suicide' or 'accidentally inflicted' and never hits the major crimes act on the rez... everyone knows the difference, even the feds... every one clams up, closes ranks, end of story...

you just don't abuse, period!!!

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Why is alternet obsessed with tabloid material about 'sex' and relationships?

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Every woman has her own story. I was 19 and my boyfriend of 1 year at the time was 23 when he graduated from college in June 2002 and struggled to find a job in the post-9-11 recession. Under this stress he exhibited early warning signs, but just when I was about to break up with him his Mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly and his life fell apart. I didn't leave him (because he needed me) - and the abuse escalated. I hate that people judge victims for not being strong enough to leave. Maybe if my Mom didn't drink and hit me when I was growing up (in parallel right after her father died), and my own Dad didn't allow it to happen, things would have been different for me. It took me a year of therapy to figure this self-evident fact out.

My points are this:

(1) Every case has a different story and blame is therefore hard to dispense correctly across the board

(2) You never know a victim's background and whether or not they have the support system to leave and the self-confidence and upbringing to really understand that someone who is good doesn't do this

(3) As many other commentators noted this is a problem for the perpetrator as well! Why did my exbf behave this way? Why couldn't he find better ways to cope with stress? Why was he being so self-destructive? This isn't my problem, and I know it BUT it is a problem for our society. Blame doesn't resolve it.

I would like to thank the author for sharing her story and dedicating her time to help others in this situation. Being detached from your personal trauma is a good thing - after you have emotionally dealt with it, you can't dwell in unhappiness forever. I am appalled someone insulted the author for being "detached".

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Others have noted this, but I think it deserves another mention. Hey, can't hurt.

Be very wary of any person who seems absolutely perfect from jump when you're dating. (This is also true for straight men--if a woman is auditioning herself as perfect girlfriend and future wife--run!)

A gal pal of mine was dating this guy who was talking about getting her pregnant and meeting her family after only 2 dates. I kept saying, and, in fact, shouting, "Red flag, red flag!!" (Not unlike the kid from The Shining: redrum, redrum!! Lol.)

But she kept rationalizing it--"Oh, he really wants a family because he was an only child and he's just so sweet and so interested," blah blah blah. By date number four, he was already pissed at her for her "not putting enough effort into their relationship" (yeah, he actually said that!) which meant not immediately returning his phone calls or text messages. They never slept together, he showed no interest in getting to know her for who she was, and yet he was promising her a life together. (Oh, another red flag--people shouldn't be sharing their childhood traumas during the first few dates--ever!)

So, my thought is that guys like this think that by treating the woman "perfectly" said woman forfeits her right to reject him, even her right to have her own independent thoughts. It means that he sees power as zero sum--if she disagrees, even about the most minor of matters, the disagreement itself is a threat to his power as a man. The irony of trying to cope with that psycophathic fear of women by creating a script in which you become the perfect boyfriend/spouse to prevent the woman's betrayal is that the coping mechanism itself guarantees the future disappointment and resentment. In other words: "I promised the world to you and treated you perfectly, but I'm *still* not good enough??--you still won't accept my rule over you?"

I'm forgetting the term for this phenomenon in women's studies, but it's basically the inevitable "underside" of those men who obsessively pride themselves on "protecting" women from harm--when the woman doesn't remain submissive within her assignmed role as "the protected," he turns violent because he sees it as a betrayal, almost like a breach of contract.

Btw, my version of it? A guy in graduate school with a hair trigger temper and major insecurity issues. I never knew what would set him off, as the most innocent of comments would cause him to start throwing things or screaming at me. The hardest part of the entire situation was that publically he was "Mr. Sweetheart" while I was showing--via body language and a general sullenness--a kind of shell shock. Thus, my colleagues believed all his tales that I was somehow abusing him!!!! That he was the "perfect" boyfriend who was being "harped on" by his depressed and emotionally needy girlfriend who he was so valliantly trying to rescue. I dumped him after 6 months, but spent years dealing with his smear campaign.

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that a wealthy new york lawyer with a penchant for treating you like a pet wasn't as perfect as you allowed yourself to believe? Shocking.

Here's a question, and it isn't why did you come back, its why didn't you react? I never understand this. If he was hitting you and choking you, wait til his gets drunk that night on the ship and toss his ass overboard.
And don't tell me it doesn't happen. A family friend was married to an incredibly abusive husband. After so many years she decided to do something about it - she stabbed him to death. Good for her.

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It doesn't matter what ideology the man or woman is in. I was a conservative while my wife was a moderate and things worked out. I can't believe Lenny could go from good to disgusting. I pray for the life of that new Latina Lenny's married to but am afraid she'll suffer the same fate as the author did. I also noticed a lot of folks unfairly bashing the author while refusing to acknowledge the Lenny was a professional seducer and carefully plotted his abusive moves to trick the author into being his punchbag as long as possible. These so-called know-it-alls have never experienced anything like it and so are blissfully IGNORANT. Shame on you bashers !

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He had "an Ivy degree and a partnership in a NYC law firm."

"Picked up tabs."

"He wined and dined me, placed bling around my neck when I least expected it."

Your heart had a price and he had the cash. That's why you went out with him and that's why you stayed with him. You, like most women - especially women with education and careers - would never think of going out with a guy that had less than you.

You judge guys by the money and prefessions they have, as if that says anything about their personality or how they'll treat you.

Think about it - are you going to see a movie with his job? Are you going to fuck his job? No. So why judge him by his job?

As long as this is the norm, women will always make bad choices, which is how abusive relationships begin. Ever wonder why men rule the world?

I don't feel sorry for you.

You chose your lifestyle.

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..."Family and Friends' Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused", by Elaine Weiss(www.volcanopress.com)...she might have escaped Chris Brown's wrath.

Too often, women end up dead...the ultimate abuse and then we look back and say to ourselves, "What could I have done to prevent this?"

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Its inevitable. Its Nature's way of showing us what we were too scared to look at and unable to deal with when we were kids. History repeating itself...

Emotionally-secure (self confident) children are not naturally attracted to emotionally-insecure people, as adults - which is what perpetrators and victims alike are.

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When I read this article, I ran across the line of fixing things around your house. From that point on, I kept hearing the Mason Jennings song "Your New Man" which has the line:

I'll bet he fixes things around your place when they break, if he says he likes your cooking he's a fake.

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What does the research (not the rhetoric) indicate about who does what to whom in domestic violence? Extensive homework on this issue has already been done and some might find the research findings quite surprising.


Here's a list providing a systematic description of the results of over 100 studies (one-by-one).

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...ASSHOLE? Oh LOL...

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No, but YOUR MOTHER might be. . . LOL!

But seriously. Get beyond the whining victimhood and make an honest attempt to deal with both sides of the issue.

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Find the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize It and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans. I attended a three-day seminar with Ms. Evans. She totally gets verbal abuse. Any number of women at the seminar would begin a story, and Ms. Evans could tell them the outcome, because she totally gets what makes men behave like this. She sees the patterns very clearly, and has concrete ideas for dealing with abuse, both domestic and in the workplace. She completely understands how to recognize and stop abuse. This book is a must-read for anyone in a verbally and/or a physically abusive relationship. And quite frequently relationships that start with verbal abuse move to physical abuse. Abusers are not generally happy staying at one level, the abuse escalates - sometimes culminating in murder.

From Patricia Evans:
http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml

"Controlling People: Controllers use verbal abuse to subtly undermine their victim's perceptions, to manipulate them into doing what they want, to foster dependency, to isolate them from truth, from outside contact and even from their own children. They may withhold information while lying to their victim.. Controllers create confusion, emotional pain and mental anguish, while periodically "rescuing" their victim by seeming to offer the balm of love that alleviates the victim's pain drawing the victim ever closer. Controllers gain and maintain power over people while often presenting a perfect persona to the world."

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Hearing another "He seemed like the perfect guy..." story doesn't really address the issue of why many people keep returning to abusers who aren't bribing them with cars, jewlery, trips, attention, etc.

In lower income brackets, it seems to be about subsistence-level economics, dysfunctionality and lack of alternatives. You're poor, lonely, and depressed. One loser is often the same as the next, so you pick one and put up with his crap because you don't know what else to do. He spends most of his paycheck on alcohol and cigarettes, but sometimes there's a little bit left to help put food on the table.

In other cases, it can be a matter of life or death. As a common saying in the business goes: she's often safer at home than away, because he'll hunt her down and kill her.

While the article is sad in its own way, it doesn't seem to reflect the more ordinary, tragic, urgent examples that I hear about from those who work with DV cases at the street level.

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Instead of trying to rationalize it, and say that it isn't a bad thing, why don't you explain it and CONDEMN it?

Abuse is horrible. Returning to an abuser, enables it.

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Your account shows how abusive people draw you in, inch by inch until you no longer remember life without them. It's easy and predictable for people to place blame, also useless. I'm happy for you that you didn't stay and thankful that you are willing to share your story which can be humilating, and that adds another level of difficulty to getting help. I wonder about the stunning Latina and hope that she did not get hooked in.

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Thank you for writing this article and sharing your experience. It happens far too often to women in all sooci-econmic classes (and it is usually women). And we need to tell our stories.

I also left an abusive marriage. Thankfully I picked up a copy of Patrica Evan's excellent book on Verbal Abuse and finally recognized what I had been living with for so many years.

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It was very apparent to me that English is not this writer's first language. She spelled "campaign" phonetically (there goes my own spelling!), but I can get behind what her point is: absolutely.
Boycott them both, and part of his punishment should be to lecture kids in school about how wrong he was, that he needs help, and no one should ever hit anyone. Period. When I got away from my abuser, I felt as though he should be branded on his forehead: I HURT WOMEN.
Seriously.
Would you date a guy that had that on his face?
Unfortunately, I'm afraid there are some sickos who probably would.

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This advice, of course, I heard a long time ago , long before I, now a trans-woman; crossed over the line into the woman's world . A world, come to think about it, I had much more in common with in the sense of seeing myself as the " victim" .
Anyway, like with Rhianna and this woman writer, it seems like what [heterosexual] women seek in a man is three things; MONEY, POWER, AND " CHARM". And if not after money, they seem to be looking for that " all so confident man" ; something that the most macho men, like police and firefighters; seem to often be good at.
So even 40 years after feminism, women still seek out men whom are " generous" willing to pay for the date, buy them things, etc. They still want to play the role of
" helpless little feminine victim" and be "courted"
This instead of being the one whom EQUALLY SHARES in the " courting" , or dating ritual. something which lesbians usually seem to do, for the most part; at least when first starting out. So many hetero. women seem to instantly fall for the "prince charming" whom often has one basic thing on his mind; to " do whatever it takes to get into the 'muffin'". at first, like this rich dickhead, well as Chris Brown, these men know how to play the game of " love" and they play it very well! They make sure to not be the same person they are when with the guys, to not swear, talk dirty, etc. , are willing to hold those doors open for her- chivalrous bullshit that many women just buy into and will say ; "oh he's soooooo nice!" to all their friends.
Then , a few months later, the true macho man comes out! " Mr. Manilla Gorilla" whom leaves the toilet seat up, swears like a mother fucker during sports' games, and mostly; returns from that hard day at work, in this case from his court case.
He finally is whom he really always was, the macho, power hungry jackass. But all during the " charm school" dating days, he was that sweet, handsome prince charming!
At this time she gets bitchy at him, wanting back her " prince charming handsome in tux" . she begins to demand that he seek counseling, to change; but he just gets madder and feels she's being demanding. Not that she has not been a " demanding and accepting bitch" all along! One whom seems to
" expect" from a man all this generousity!
And so, he then flies off the handle and the lamps go flying like airplanes as he gets both angry and often violent! But she, perhaps like Rhianna, thinks he is doing this because he
" loves her" and well....she " forgives " him over and over; thinking that he will change his ways and be that " prince charming" he was in the beginning. But , chances are that he never will and instead be fueled by her constant fucking demands toward him ; to just get angrier and angrier!
It always seems that women in general seem to blame all the abuse on the man, never on the WOMAN! Everything is seen from that "Lifetime TV for women" perspective of woman as helpless little waif and the big, strong, charming and powerful man's man attacking the little girl.[ no wonder many women I've met hate Lifetime TV's movies!]
And all these women whom write relationship advice columns seem to just further exacerbate the differences between men and women in dating and relationships by constantly suggesting to their mostly women readers to
" expect him to pay the tab, hold the door; so that he proves how much he likes and respects you." Which can be bullshit because it just may be those men whom are not the least bit confident, the geeks; whom may make the best heterosexual partner material in the long run! The one whom says up front " I can't afford to blow $30 on french food at some preppy restaurant!
But nope, they do not want the geek! they instead want " Mr. Princeley-Prince" the charmer; and like fucking Rhianna, I hate to say this; they often get what they deserve.

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I am not in any way supporting the 'boycott Rihanna' post but I notice several of the responses saying that the post didn't even mention the boyfriend who abused her.

Take another look; there is a clear statement "boycott Rihanna and her lover.

I'm not defending the writer of the post, just pointing out that if anyone is going to criticize, they really need to make sure they have their facts straight, otherwise they undercut their own statements.

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Abusers are mostly crooks who use force and fraud to dominate. The rest of us are either suckers (the victim) or lazy cowards (silent witnesses). There really are no exceptions. A person who escapes from abuse is very much like someone who escapes from a tyrannical boss or a crooked minister. Nobody is a hero, but some of us act like heroes once in awhile.

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I left my abuser after four years of attacks. I hope Rihanna can do the same.

Here is my story on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEsElsHrvC0&feature= channel_page
.


If you want to share your story (anonymously) please join The Crazy Love Project.

Visit www.lesliemorgansteiner.com.

Thank you!

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