After Layoffs, Couples Wrestle With Role Reversal

By Adrienne Gibbs, Women's eNews. Posted January 12, 2009.

Meanwhile, Stephanie has been working hard at her local bank job, where she's pulling overtime in the securities department, trying to make ends meet.

At first he found it difficult to take over as "Mr. Mom" and be what he calls the baby's "whole world." But six months into it he thinks it's fair if his wife gets miffed when the basic chores are undone. "Basically you have to recognize your responsibility and take care of what has to be taken care of."

Stephanie Goddard, in turn, is missing her baby girl's first smiles and laughs.

"I feel a constant pressure," she says. "I feel that I have to go above and beyond on my job so that I can keep my job. I didn't really plan for this."

Carole Lieberman, a Beverly Hills, Calif., psychiatrist, warns that such transitions often breed serious resentments.

Money-Fueled Marital Strife

A man's ego is often tied up in his profession, says Lieberman, so joblessness can lead to infidelity or other forms of marital strife.

The wife who works outside the home will "feel sorry at first for their husbands who are now out of a job, and will try to boost their self-esteem," says Lieberman. "But, after weeks of seeing him sitting around the house, becoming more discouraged and escaping into TV, the Internet or his friends, the wives' patience will be exhausted and they will increasingly resent being the primary breadwinner. This is when the arguments start and things can get out of hand, including alcoholism, domestic violence and cheating to boost his sagging masculinity."

"We won't be having babies until I get a job," said Brandon Mendelson, an unemployed and newly wed man from upstate New York.

He and his wife, Amanda, recently moved in with her parents to help make ends meet. At the moment, her part-time job as a substitute teacher is their sole source of income. "She can't even get a full-time job because no one else is retiring."

Financial counselor and psychotherapist Ken Clark urges laid-off husbands to take the upper hand at home, especially if the wife is coming home dog-tired and snippy. He sees a lot of depression in his male clients, many of whom used to have jobs in real estate.

"They kind of get frozen," Clark says. "They can't get off the couch; they can't get off the Internet. They remain detached and it creates a unique situation for the wife."

Clark, whose forthcoming book, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Getting out of Debt," part of the well-known consumer guide series published by Penguin, says the role switch can have an upside for women.

"What I see is women beginning to get to this point where they say, I'm gonna buy what I wanna buy because I earn the money, and if I want to treat myself to better shoes then I will," says Clark. "This may be kind of healthy. I see (some women) becoming a little more independent and entitled."

In the end, couples facing difficult times are advised to talk to each other, try counseling and keep open lines of communication.

"I love him more than I did before because I realize how hard this is for him," says Bell. "We have constant communication about it. And if the dishes don't get done, they don't get done. It's not the end of the world."

Copyright 2009 Women's eNews. All rights reserved.

See more stories tagged with: gender, economy, layoffs, stay-at-home-mom, stay-at-home-dad

Adrienne Gibbs is a Boston-based freelance writer.

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