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The only relationship book you ever need to buy

America: land of opportunity. Breeding ground for possibility, birthplace of ingenuity. Here, you can be anything you set your mind to be, as long as you have a dollar in your pocket, a dream in your heart, and a semi-decent Internet connection. And that’s really awesome -- for the most part.

Enter the relationship expert. Usually male, rarely certified, almost always correcting women on what they’re doing wrong. The relationship expert can be of a variety of backgrounds -- singer, preacher, actor, grocery store butcher, random guy yelling at buildings downtown. Their advice is splattered everywhere, from the big screen to bookstore shelves to your Twitter feed, no matter how hard you try to keep people from retweeting their sage advice into your timeline. They’re absolutely everywhere, thanks to the unfortunate ease of self-promotion in the digital era.

When you’re standing at the corner of My Eggs Are Turning to Dust Boulevard and Crazy Cat Lady Avenue, you may panic a bit and begin to search for something to salve your raw nerves. Books by relationship experts might look rather tasty in a pinch (though I’d instead suggest turning to prayer or dark liquor, but that’s just me). But when the “experts” roam in chaotic packs like those seagulls from"Finding Nemo," how do you know whom to listen to?

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