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Are fibs deal breakers?

Dear Reader,

I'm serious about having the punk conversation, and have received some interesting mail already. I'm answering a "regular" letter today but will be turning to the above topic intermittently in the coming weeks. -- ct

Dear Cary,

So many people in the dating world talk about "deal breakers," their list of no-no's that immediately ousts a potential partner and ranges from "no drug-addictions" to "no socks with sandals." I have trouble making ultimatums, life just seems too complicated. It makes sense to have some boundaries, but this is love, not border patrol.

On the top of this list are always: no cheating, no abuse, no dishonesty.

Cheating and abuse I can draw a red line at. But never telling your spouse that no, their nose hairs aren't too noticeable? I find this idea to be completely unrealistic and wonder if smug couples who claim to be always 100-percent honest with each other are in fact lying to themselves.

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