The Angry Brain: How to Help Men With Uncontrollable Tempers
Continued from previous page
I'd like to offer a side comment here. We often expect our angry clients to act as if they were living in a safe world, a world in which people are pleasant, trustworthy, loving, and consistent. This false belief on our part sets clients up to fail. Devron's siblings, for instance, regularly engaged in felonious behaviors, such as drug dealing and robbery, and expected him to join them as he often had in the past. He told me during therapy that he'd begun declining these invitations. When I asked him if he'd practiced being assertive with them, he laughed. "I guess if telling my brother to go to hell when he attacked me for not going along with some scam he was into, then yes, I was very assertive." The result of his new "good" behavior was that his family ostracized him for several months. Fortunately though, Sheila and her children were dependably in his corner, so that Devron could practice new, prosocial behavior around them without being criticized or ridiculed.
Devron named his plan "Learning to Trust." I was tempted to add "and take in love," but Devron would have labeled that phrase unmanly. When I asked him how he planned to begin this plan, he suggested he could go to his father to see if he could learn to trust the man he most distrusted in the world. Needless to say, this was a palpably rotten idea: in all likelihood, his father would once again have demonstrated his complete untrustworthiness, potentially undermining everything Devron was trying to do. I talked him out of it with some difficulty by pointing out that he was betting his whole stake on one roll of the dice. "Besides, it's a bad bet," I said. "You'd be better off investing in a smaller stake, like letting yourself trust Sheila more." That reminded him of his real priorities.
He decided to open up emotionally a little more to both his family and a few trusted coworkers. For example, he told some of his history to two of his coworkers, the ones he felt most comfortable with, and they responded positively with their own self-disclosures. Then he took a bigger chance by admitting to Sheila that he had cheated on his first wife. Much to his shock, she told him she'd known about it for a long time--his ex-wife had thoughtfully given Sheila that information when she'd begun dating Devron--but she'd chosen not to mention it and trust that he'd be faithful to her.
Shiela's disclosure and assertion of trust brought him to tears. At that very moment, his brain-change plan spontaneously expanded to include being trustworthy to others. Since Devron had a long history of lying by omission ("Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you that") this expansion was quite significant. It had proved harder for him than the initial goal because he'd had to retrain himself not to leave out some of the truth "so nobody could pin me down." He kept expanding from his core commitment to develop trust. He realized along the way that he'd been mean to Sheila's children because he didn't want to get close to them and then lose them. But Sheila came through by rewarding his obvious changes with reassurance that she'd stay with him.
I regularly review a client's brain-change plan with him or her, rather than just assume it's working fine. It's important to challenge clients quickly if they're letting their plan drift.
The final addition to Devron's plan was learning how to be more empathetic. Devron acknowledged that empathy was strange territory for him: "Frankly, I never gave a damn what anybody else felt." But now that he felt safer, he could do what safe people do: care about and take a real interest in others. Like many angry people, he has some difficulty being empathic. Empathy partly depends on automatic attunement processes usually learned in infancy through parent--infant synchronic movement. He experienced few such experiences as a child. We talked together about this deficit, a deficit he was determined to challenge. He immediately made a real effort to put himself in the shoes of others. It's just that he had trouble first taking off his own shoes. For instance, he told his 12-year-old daughter, Amy, who was being teased by classmates, that he knew exactly how she felt, even though he'd been the bully, not the victim, when he'd been in school. But here again, the principles of neuroplasticity apply. Devron realized he'd misunderstood the situation when his daughter got mad at his reply. He then consciously took the time to listen better. Gradually, this behavior was becoming faster, smoother, and more automatic.