Listen Up, Guys: If The Catholic Bishops Win, It's The End of Sex As You Know It
One of the most stunning things about this whole contraception farce is the number of men who are still sitting this out, on the assumption that this is just another “women’s issue.” They don’t think they’ve got a dog in this fight; it’s got absolutely nothing to do with them.
Griswold v. Connecticut is nearly 50 years behind us, which means that three generations of American men have come of age under the sweet delusion that the not-getting-pregnant piece of their sex lives is handled by the same invisible fairies who clean the bathrooms. Since almost all of the top-shelf contraception methods are acquired and managed by women, men have apparently gotten very accustomed to not ever having to think about pregnancy at all. It's her issue, her body, her problem. And so the politics of contraception have nothing to do with them, either.
Listen up, guys. We need to talk. Because if you don’t think this is your problem, you are simply not paying attention.
Here’s how this goes down. If contraception goes away,your sex life as you have known it is OVER. (It's impossible to overstate this.) Say goodbye to one-night-stands, third-date sleepovers, friends-with-benefits, debauched Spring Break memories, Hooters, lap dances, living together before marriage, sleeping in the same bed after marriage, and all those friendly girls whose memory still makes you smile years later.
And say hello to stern fathers, uptight women, heavily chaperoned dates, guilt, shame, shotgun weddings, big and early families, separate bedrooms (the only form of birth control the Catholic bishops wholeheartedly approve of), and a whole lot more NO in your life than you can possibly even begin to imagine right now.
Also, gentlemen, make no mistake about this: going solo won’t provide much solace, either. Because once these people have succeeded in taking away your happy, easy love life, they're coming after your porn stash next. They want you wanking even less than they want you fucking. Hope you enjoy frequent cold showers, because it’s about the only thing you’re going to have left when they’re done with you.
Don’t believe me? Ask you dad, or your granddad, or any straight male over the age of 60 about how it was when they were young. They’re the last ones left who are old enough to remember The World Before Griswold. If you’re younger than that, you cannot possibly have the barest freaking idea how awful it was.
If ignorance is bliss, American men are out there floating around in the seventh level of heaven right now. You’ve been lucky enough to live your lives in the most sexually open era in human history — and contraception is the one and only thing that made all that possible. If it goes away, it’s straight back to the Dark Ages — not just for us ladies, but for you, too.
It’s been lovely here on top of the world. But you need to look down, right now, to fully understand just how far you’ve got to fall.