An Open Letter to the 2012 Republican Also-Rans
Dear Republican Also-Rans:
It is time to give it up.
You will not be the Republican nominee next year. You will never be commander-in-chief. You will never deliver a State of Union address. You will never call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue “home.” Your wives, or husband in the case of Michele Bachmann, won’t be choosing a fabulous gown for a series of swanky Inaugural balls. You will never be president of the United States.
Am I making myself perfectly clear?
When this race was just getting started, Donald Trump was the front-runner. This is a man whose day job consisted largely of making D-list celebrities compete in a human mousetrap before telling them they are fired during a weak economy. While he works in reality television, it is his political views that avoid reality almost entirely, which is perhaps why Trump is best remembered in this race for his obsession with President Obama’s birth certificate — an obsession only matched by his zeal for Eastern European supermodels and reading his name in gaudy gold-leafing.
And yet, there he was, leading all of you in the polls. If that wasn’t enough to make you reconsider your life’s choices, I am not sure there is any hope for you. But, let me give it a try.
Look, you would not be the only Republican to see the writing on the wall.
Just this month two of your better-liked colleagues decided to opt out on their own much discussed potential candidacies.
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin decided not to run. She did not even mount half of a campaign as homage to her less than two years as governor of the Last Frontier State before resigning to cash in and star in her own reality show.
Then there was Chris Christie, whose angry, red-faced attacks on teachers and women have inspired Kool-Aid Man jokes across the morning zoo radio landscape. Despite saying so many, many times — even telling reporters “short of suicide, I don’t really know what I would have to do to convince you people that I’m not running.” — he made it official one last time on October 4. (Unless you have heard otherwise. Is he running? Are you sure? What if everyone else gets out of the race? Would he run then? What if we let him walk?)
Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, you will never be president. Your victory in the Iowa Straw Poll is proof positive that the wild-eyed, right-wing extremists that win these beauty pageants have little hope of winning the nomination. You would be better off helping your husband’s clients “pray the gay away” since that act is about as possible as you winning the presidency.
George W. Bush may have served two terms as president but Texas Governor Rick Perry will never have such luck. His time would be better spent traveling the country painting over signs that contain the n-word adorning the entrance at his various vacation properties. That should keep him busy until at least 2016.
Perry’s Lone Star State colleague, Congressman Ron Paul, you, too, will never be president. While your libertarian magic dust may enchant your Walking Dead zombie-like supporters, it is not likely to inspire others who believe, for example, that the 1964 Civil Rights Act was a good idea. And yes, I know you are not a racist. It is your political philosophy that seems to enjoy cavorting with the white-hooded.
Herman Cain, I do not want you to think I have forgotten about you even though others will in a matter of days. Questioned about your 9-9-9 plan to cut taxes on the wealthy and raise income and sales taxes of the poor, you said the working class can eat “used” food to save dough under your plan — basically telling the 99 percent, “Let them eat poop!” I doubt it is a popular pizza topping even given your previous role as head honcho of Godfather’s Pizza.
That leaves us with Mitt Romney. Mitt, like nearly every Republican nominee over the past 30 years — you will likely win the GOP nod simply because you have run and lost it before. If you choose not to flip-flop and pull out of the race — like you have on nearly every issue — you should be prepared to eventually lose the general election because that is exactly what will happen.
To Jon “I know China” Huntsman, Newt “three wives” Gingrich, Gary “drugs!” Johnson, Buddy “who?” Roemer, and Rick “don’t Google me” Santorum, I apologize for not elaborating on your candidacies in this letter but I was concerned that any mail addressed to your campaign headquarters would only encourage your doomed, electoral vanity ventures.
Suffice it to say, you are just like your better-known competitors.
You all might as well start polishing your resumes for Fox News because it is far more likely that you will find yourselves behind Glenn Beck’s old desk in New York City than the president’s desk in the Oval Office.