What Mel Gibson, the Tea Partiers, Tony Hayward, and Newt Gingrich Should Have Gotten for XMas

Wishing you all a Very Happy Merry. And no, I’m not falling into that trap. You go out and dance to the beat of whichever winter festival you want to celebrate. Christmas. Hanukah, Kwanza, Saturnalia, Solstice, noon Tuesday, 420, a December date equal to the square root of the number 625. Whatever. And good on ya. As we say in politically correct San Francisco, “May the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.” Now, inevitably some people are going to find their stockings aren’t quite stuffed with the egregious booty they were expecting or most importantly, believe they deserve. So I’m here to help the under- gifted achieve a certain amount of cathartic closure. As the great philosopher Rodney King once almost said: “can’t we all wear a thong?” So, to insure that certain traditions don’t get washed right out into the ocean like a picnic table on a Malibu hillside, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing: WILL DUR$T’$ 2010 XMA$ WI$H LI$T.

1. For Mel Gibson: A muzzle. Permanent. Steel. Welded with titanium rivets.

2. For the Economists who insist the recession ended in June of 09. An opportunity to collect 99 weeks of unemployment insurance.

3. For Charlie Sheen. A date with Lindsay Lohan. Matching ankle bracelets at Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.

4. For WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange: A slip of paper naming whoever leaked details of his sexual assault charges tucked into a dictionary in the fold of the page with the “irony” entry.

5. For Betty White. 30 more years.

6. For Ireland. Far fewer reasons to drown their troubles.

7. For Juan Williams. A prayer rug for his Fox News cubicle.

8. For the American public. A case of antacid to get through the next two years watching the heartless pummel the spineless cheered on by the clueless.

9. For Conan O’Brien. Half the on- air excitement he inspired off- air.

10. For Barack Obama. An electron telescope to focus on jobs. American jobs. Democratic jobs. Obama Administration jobs. His job.

11. For Mrs. Clarence Thomas. A six pack of Coke.

12. For Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. A used set of Spanish language cassette tapes.

13. For the Cast of Jersey Shore. Watches that only measure increments of 15 minutes.

14. For the Texas Board of Education. A railroad car stuffed full of historical blinders.

15. For Bill Clinton. A Presidential appointment to the position of Secretary of Secretaries.

16. For Toyota. A new corporate motto. Because after 4 recalls involving acceleration problems, “Moving Forward” might be a bit too apropos.

17. For Katy Perry. A bigger bra.

18. For the Tea Party. Kissable wallets. Because its time to put their money where their mouth is.

19. For Willie Nelson. A THC patch.

20. For the TSA. Extensive training to perfect the impromptu prostate exam.

22. For John Boehner. A deal with Fruit of the Loom to market a line of “Mister Speaker” monogrammed handkerchiefs. And hand towels.

23. For former BP CEO, Tony Hayward. Now that he has his life back, a reason to live it.

24. For Medical Science to Study. Dick Cheney’s heart, Joe Biden’s mouth and Rod Blagojevich’s brain.

25. For Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican field taking sidelong glances at 2012. Something on Sarah.