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A Message To the NRA From the Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse

An irreverent look at the NRA's complete irrelevance.
 
 
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Hey, guys. Pestilence here. The other riders and I are pretty busy lately, but we wanted to take a moment and make something clear. In the days ahead many of you will be deploying some pretty stupid arguments against gun control in this country. The whole "cars are deadly, knives are deadly, Nazis started this, and anyway, what about abortion?" kind of dealie. God, it makes our heads hurt just thinking about it. When you write this stuff you make the internet even more stupid than it already is. Instead of wading into this nonsense we wanted to just address one very specific notion you'll be sharing with your friends on Facebook.

You really think gun ownership protects you from the government taking your rights.

This isn't even an argument at all. It's a poorly-conceived Red Dawn fantasy. You say things like this, because in some ugly part of your brain you want to see yourself fighting the globalist army after the collapse of our country. And you have that particular dream because you're old and white, and you're afraid of the way this country is changing. The guns give you a feeling of control.

Okay, well, first of all... when the balloon really goes up you're certainly going to die very, very quickly. It won't be like the movies, trust us. You will lumber down into your basement to start the generator, and you will trip, cut yourself on a rusty lawn mower part, or maybe just have a massive cardiac, because you're overweight, and the only thing you stand a chance against with that AK-47 is a deer. There's a whole political party devoted to telling people like you - the most soft and privileged and pampered members of this wonderful country - that you're some hardy band of rebels fighting oppression. That little fairy tale will evaporate before Glenn Beck collects his gold chips.

Secondly, there really are people fighting against government tyranny. But they're unarmed. They're reporters, and lawyers, and human rights weenies from Europe. They try to make politicians and bureaucrats accountable for the terrible things they can do. Sometimes they even succeed. Occasionally there's a subcommittee meeting, or a scandal, or a change in the law, or a politician loses his job or even goes to jail. Once upon a time, a couple of commie reporters helped remove a sitting president of the United States. You and your camping buddies playing soldier in the woods have never even come close to that.

Say what you want about guns... just don't act like it's about defending freedom. You're not defending anything. Your stupid game prevents us from ending a threat to public safety, but it is utterly irrelevant to the struggle for liberty in 21st century America. You want to do something real, start researching campaign donations, make FOIA tougher, call up a Congressman and bitch. Right now your biggest enemy is not a fleet of UN helicopters. It's an Olive Garden breadstick basket. Cut down on the carbs and grow the hell up.

Either way, it's not really our problem. Be seeing you.

(NOTE: If this article got to you, please consider joining the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. It was founded by that leftist from the Reagan administration. Thanks to PS for this link.)

Paul Bibeau writes a blog of dark humor at www.goblinbooks.com.