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5 Doomed, Hilarious Efforts by the Religious Right to Disprove Science

The GOP has some interesting theories, like the weaponization of AIDS to doom heterosexual culture.

What happens when you’re part of a religious and political movement whose ideology is contradicted by well-established science? You’ve gotta get creative. Here are the five most ridiculous explanations religious conservatives have conjured up to outflank science, from gay armies to magic birds to the existence of the Loch Ness Monster.

1. Climate Change Isn’t Happening, but if It Is That’s Fine Because It Means Jesus Is Coming

Who’s not worried about climate change? Pastor and conservative radio host Matthew Hagee, who thinks the extreme weather and melting polar caps are not signs of man’s deleterious effect on the environment but rather augurs of Jesus’ impending return.

"The Bible says that whenever we approach the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ,that there would be strange weather patterns, “Hagee said. “Do we believe what an environmentalist group says and choose to live in a world where we're attempting to make everything as clean in the air as possible, or do we believe what the Bible says, that these things were going to happen and that rather than try to clean up all of the air and solve all of the problems of the world by eliminating factories, we should start to tell people about Jesus Christ who is to return?”

Hagee isn’t the only who turns to the Bible when the sea levels rise. At a hearing in 2009, Illinois Representative John Shimkus quoted passages from Genesis promising god would “never again” flood the earth following that whole Noah misadventure (the flood, not the movie). “Man will not destroy this earth, this earth will not be destroyed by a flood,” Shimkus said. “I believe the word of god to be infallible.” That solves that.

Of course, these guys are just a congressman and a radio host. But to see how high up the GOP their beliefs have climbed, look no further than 2016 contender Marco Rubio. Every time Rubio feels the need to shore up his base, he hits the climate change button: just a couple weeks ago he told ABC News’ Jon Karl that he didn’t believe climate change was manmade, dismissing the “notions” of scientists who had proven otherwise.

2. Creationism, Dinosaurs, and the Loch Ness Monster

Rubio had previously disputed to GQ the age of the earth (he quickly backtracked and admitted the earth’s age had been established at 4.5 billion), a necessary two-step given his creationist base. But creationism runs into a problem, most succinctly voiced by Bill Hicks’ one word rebuttal: dinosaurs.

The Creationist Museum, which is located in Kentucky, presents the tableau of human-dinosaur simultaneity thusly: “Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s Rivers.” Quite the interspecies paleo-harmony.

(That’s hardly where the Creationist Museum ends with the creative science, which ranges from how god de-poisons frogs once in the museum to how Adam and Eve’s children could procreate without incestuous consequences to their DNA.)

But that’s not the oddest dinosaur dodge. For that, you’ll have to go to Louisiana, where privately run Christian schools were so eager to disprove evolution and indoctrinate schoolchildren to the idea that humans and dinosaurs shared the earth that they tried to teach the Loch Ness Monster as a real, extant dinosaur. “Are dinosaurs alive today?” the proposed textbooks asked. “Scientists are becoming more convinced of their existence…Have you heard of the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland? ‘Nessie’ for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur.”

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