Hello, 2007: New Year's Resolutions I'd Like to Hear

By Arianna Huffington, AlterNet
Posted on January 1, 2007, Printed on October 11, 2008
http://www.alternet.org/story/46159/

Happy New Year! May your 2007 be filled with love, laughter, passion, and lots of blogging and blog reading.

Through the years, I've discovered something about New Year's resolutions: While it's not so easy to keep them, it's very easy to make them for other people. And a lot more fun, too.

So it's become something of a personal New Year's tradition to offer resolutions I'd like to hear assorted public figures make and keep. Here is this year's batch:

"I will run for president of the United States." -- Sen. Barack Obama

"I will run for president of the United States." -- Al Gore

"I will not run for president of the United States. But if I do, I will speak from my heart and not triangulate every issue within an inch of its life." -- Sen. Hillary Clinton

"I will develop a better pick up line than 'get a ruler and measure it for me.'" -- Mark Foley

"I will avoid making appearances on daytime TV after brutal nights spent downing limoncellos." -- Danny DeVito

"I will stop torturing myself by asking 'What if?'" -- Jeb Bush

"I will use my heartfelt condolence notes to express my heartfelt condolences, not as a PR tool. And I will learn how to spell adequite." -- Lindsay Lohan

"I will not take SNL's 'Dick in a Box' video as a gift-giving primer." -- Bill Clinton

"I will not grant interviews about important issues after 5 pm -- or anytime I don't know what the hell I'm talking about." -- Rep. Silvestre Reyes, incoming chair of the House Intelligence Committee

"We will admit that guns, in fact, really do kill people, and lots of them." -- the NRA

"I will avoid licking another girl's breast, at least in public." -- Katie Rees, dethroned Miss Nevada

"I will pick a party and stick with it." -- Sen. Joe Lieberman

"I will keep speaking out until the troops are home, no matter how I get slimed by George Bush and Karl Rove." -- Rep. Jack Murtha

"I will keep making episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm." -- Larry David

"I will keep my vile racist comments to myself." -- Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, George Allen

"We will stop pushing our product to kids." -- The makers of Prozac

"We will stop pushing our products to kids." -- The makers of cigarettes

"I will write on the blackboard one thousand times: 'Bad boys don't make good husbands.'" -- Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Whitney Houston, Kate Moss

"I will no longer shoot my friends in the face -- concentrating instead on the torso and legs." -- Dick Cheney

"When we hear bullshit, we will call it bullshit" -- The Mainstream Media

"We will keep speaking truth -- and punchlines -- to power." -- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert

"I'm finally going to gain those pesky 15 pounds, so I can fit into that darling size 1 dress I've had my eye on." -- Kiera Knightly, Kate Bosworth, Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and the rest of the bony is beautiful brigade

"I will stop selling celebs on the concentration camp look." -- celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe

"Panty check. Every day." -- Britney Spears

"I will get my list together for the world's biggest mass e-mail apology." -- Donald Rumsfeld

"I will pick a hair color that occurs naturally in nature before I pick up Rosie's girlfriend." -- Donald Trump

"When people ask me why I'm gay I will have them watch The Apprentice." -- Rosie O'Donnell

"I will ask Angelina about how to have a smoother baby adoption process." -- Madonna

"I will remember that I once actually had courage and conviction and stop sucking up to the religious right." -- Sen. John McCain

"I will give the numerous sections in the New Testament about poverty and the poor more deference than I give to the few Old Testament rants about homosexuality." -- James Dobson

"I will give this Dolly Parton tribute thing a rest. Or at least bother to learn the words and stuff." -- Jessica Simpson

"I will realize the problem in Iraq isn't the media, it's the guy sleeping next to me." -- Laura Bush

"I will tell the President what I really think instead of what he wants to hear." -- Condoleezza Rice

"Hearings. Subpoenas. Oversight." -- Sen. Harry Reid

"I will realize that real men do admit mistakes, do change course, and don't let their Oedipal issues get in the way of doing the right thing." -- George W. Bush

Find more Arianna at the Huffington Post.

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