Introducing ChristianChirp, the Evangelical Right's Alternative to Twitter

Attention ye Christians! Are you sick of all the smut and sin on that cesspool Twitter? Well, feast your eyes on this: a new Christian alternative to your favorite social networking website!

In October, life survivor and snake oil salesman, James L. Paris, launched ChristianChirp.com, a website that promises to be the "family friendly" version of Twitter. Paris claims he was banned from Twitter for posting a pro-Rush Limbaugh article in which he argues that the NFL rejected Limbaugh’s bid to become a partner in the St. Louis Rams Franchise, not because Limbaugh is a divisive, racist demagogue, but because the NFL is an immoral organization!

Paris is outraged -- outraged!! -- that the NFL chose to ignore the work of a man who "for more than twenty years [has] spoken out against a woman's right to murder her unborn baby" and who had the courage to harp on the meaningless connection between Reverend Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers, and President Obama.  In the article, Paris salutes Limbaugh, writing, "You sir, dare to  tell people that they have the right to think for themselves, challenge their government, and live up to a moral standard."

There is no way to confirm Paris's assertion that he was banned from Twitter for posting the Limbaugh article. Numerous attempts to speak to Twitter representatives met no response. (Personally, I have been blocked from Twitter a few times because sometimes hyperlinks are incorrectly flagged as spam. Suspension from Twitter can last up to a week -- as it did in Paris's case -- but his account was restored after eight days.)

So maybe all of this would have passed without further incident. But no sooner had Paris signed onto his newly restored Twitter account than Satan reared his ugly head: 

"Within the first day, I received a solicitation from a gay romance site," says Paris. Unable to withstand that combination of hot, dirty manlove and a weeklong Twitter banishment, Paris decided to make the "best of the situation." Thus, Christian Chirp was born unto the world.

Paris, it should be said, is a man who prides himself on overcoming adversity. According to his personal biography (available at his official website), at the age of six, he lost his left eye when he fell into a plate glass window in his family's Chicago home. "With just one eye, and with no complaints, he went forward making the best of the situation."

But the freak accidents didn’t end there. At the age of nine, he nearly lost the other eye at a hockey game. Rather than assume a vengeful God was trying to blind him, Paris pressed forth and became a  zealot Christian who believes the Lord restored his eyesight -- probably so he could spot Satan’s filth and purify it with the light of his righteous justice.

Tragic accidents, abject failures, and personal betrayals peppe Paris's biography. A failed musician, Paris became a licensed stockbroker in the morally dubious securities industry and at the age of 23, became vice-president of one of the largest privately held securities firms in the nation. He wrote a book in 1992 called Financial Boot Camp for Christians (a book so successful, you can purchase one of the 58 used copies for sale on Amazon starting at the low, low price of $0.01). He also founded a website that promises to MAKE YOU MONEY FAST! (I wasn't aware the free market could differentiate between Christian money and my heathen dollars.)

Where so many insider trading crooks and shady used car salesmen failed, Paris succeeded. From 1992 to 2002, he appeared as a guest on hundreds of television and radio talk shows, authored more than 20 books (only six are for sale on Amazon,) formed his own investment adviser, publishing company, and hosted his own national radio shows.