Are Facebook Friends Really Your Friends?

By Kari Henley, Huffington Post. Posted March 30, 2009.

The experience of loneliness is a widespread societal wound. I believe, when we get down to the root, what we're craving is not physical or cyber connections, but Meaningful connections. Humans are hardwired to gather together as a means of survival, and loneliness prompts a "desire to affiliate" according to John Cacioppo, author of the book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. I have quoted him before as his research is so powerful.

"You can have all the 'right' friends in terms of social prestige, in-group cachet, or business connections, or a spouse who is rich, brilliant and fabulous looking, but if there is no deep, emotional resonance, then none of these relationships will satisfy the hunger for connection or ease the pain of feeling isolated."

I believe most teens deeply crave connection, and the cyber world is a tour de force of potential; with proper 'driving lessons' to guide them. Most of us 'grown ups' have not had time to develop close relationships in our lives. In fact, whenever I teach workshops and poll people as to who feels somewhat lonely in their lives, a majority raise their hands. I talk to people every day who lament they do not have a community in their lives, or a dedicated group of friends they feel they can count on to call when life is falling apart.

Psychologists Wendi Gardner and Marilynn Brewer studied the ways people describe themselves and believe when you answer the question, "Who Am I?" The answer usually relates to the groups in our lives. (ie: I am a mother, a writer, etc.). They created three categories of Self: your physical, social, and collective Selves. Here's a few tips on how to find balance across the physical and cyber world:

1) Ground your 'Physical Self'- stay grounded in what makes you unique in this world and tend to your inner life each day with the essentials of air, earth, fire and water. Find activities that put you in a "flow state."
2) Nurture you Social or Relational Self- Be mindful of the relationships you have through work, spouse, friends, neighbors and offer gratitude when you can. Knock on a door out of the blue and surprise someone!
3) Develop our "Collective Self"- this is the part of you that expands to others via social networking sites, larger societies or associations and other broader social identities that are less a part of your day-to-day experience, yet can expand who you are.

Maybe someday this will all blow over when we learn how to become telepathic. Then we can ditch all these terminals, beeping phones and complex devices and just return to the Oneness. We will simply know and trust that we are not alone and won't have to prove it over and over again.

See more stories tagged with: relationships, facebook, the balanced life, friends, facebook friends, loneliness, living news

Kari is currently the President of the Board of Directors at the Women & Family Life Center. She also organizes and facilitates the Association of Women Business Leaders (AWBL).

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