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Porn Star Marcus London's Fascinating Quest to Be the King of 'Squirt'

The porn mogul has set the world record for making women ejaculate, and his new squirt watch could teach the world how to perfect his technique.

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He tells me that gay men are certainly more successful that straight men. Oh my god I am so tired.

TUESDAY

Tuesday morning finds me standing in the kitchen with the one, the only, Tommy Gunn. He’s making breakfast, and I, already fed and ready to work, am taking the opportunity to talk to the most elusive male in this desert porn compound.

My only encounter with Tommy prior to our breakfast chat has been his rather annoyed line-readings for the action short. Unsure if he is interested in talking to the reporter, I approach with caution, not wanting to spook him. I am richly rewarded.

With over 1,000 porn titles under his belt, veteran performer and Jersey boy Tommy Gunn has seen some shit. Shit that scares him. So much so that he has refurbished his van for the coming apocalypse. That’s right: Tommy Gunn has a zombie-proof van.

A matte black van, fully operational, outfitted with various armaments and with an empty water jug hanging from the back. It’s an $18,000 labor of love, two years in the making, with dark-red velvet upholstery, reinforced openings for weapons and thin ribbons of lights to set the mood. I guess? A shaggin’ wagon for the end of days! And in case any of it was too subtle, “zombie proof” is spray-painted on the side. Imagine my delight when Tommy Gunn, the Tommy Gunn, opened up the floodgates to gift me with a torrent of opinions, ready and willing and excited to lay out his worldview to be recorded for the ages. Here, in the order they were given to me, are Tommy Gunn’s thoughts.

The folks at Monsanto are pigs.

“Pigs!”

We should do away with money because money is meaningless. “No, really. What is money?” We have the technology we have today because an advanced alien civilization came to earth. The Illuminati, the powerful few, got to keep Earth and, in exchange for technology, have conspired to fatten up the rest of the earthlings for slaughter. All technology and entertainment exists to distract the people while they are fattened for slaughter.

We are all nine meals away from total global chaos, mass murder, cannibalism, and a sort of consumer horde zombie apocalypse.

Climate change is a hoax; it is our entire solar system that is heating up.

Tesla was robbed.

There is a project in Alaska that consists of an array of antennas that put out one million watts of electricity that affects the ionosphere that controls the weather. There are eight such weather control stations worldwide. They may or may not be involved in the chem trails that are probably controlling us and definitely testing things on us.

Fluoridated water is a nefarious plan to control the populace. Fluoride is rat poison and research shows that it serves no purpose.

All movies are true because the best place to hide something is in plain sight. Anyone who suspects something and tries to spread the word will be met with the ultimate cultural dismissal: “I saw that in a movie once.” Tommy Gunn doesn’t vote.

He believes the tragedy of Newtown, CT never really happened. It was faked to create an opportunity to disarm the populace. After all, the best way to make a law is because of an event. “I won’t get a stop sign at the top of the hill until someone has an accident.”

It is very suspicious that we haven’t been back to the moon. It is also very suspicious that the moon, in fact, does not spin. This is because there are aliens on the darkside of the moon. After all, if you were going to take over a planet, the dark side of the moon is the perfect base of operations. Tommy Gunn is bored of working in porn and doesn’t want to fuck on camera anymore. “I don’t want to leverage this physical act for money anymore. I want to keep it for someone special.” He’s tired of his career in porn being a “blemish on his record,” a thing that keeps him out of mainstream movies. He wants to be an action hero like Stallone. He says he looks the part. He believes he is ready. He just needs everyone to get over the idea that people can’t do porn and mainstream movies. After all, he is an actor.

 
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