Inside My Haunted Head -- What It's Like to be a Schizophrenic

When most people hear the word "schizophrenia," the image that runs through their minds is that of a homeless person, unwashed and gaunt, rambling the streets muttering to him- or herself, occasionally breaking out in screams and seemingly random flailing. I confess, there are days when I do feel like doing exactly that. However, the majority of people with schizophrenia are, in fact, functioning members of society. We just need a little help. We are not violent. We are not stupid. We merely have some malfunctions going on upstairs.

In me, the schizophrenia manifests itself as severe paranoia, with aural, visual, and tactile hallucinations. When I'm having a psychotic episode, I see, hear, and feel things that aren't there. I'm perfectly aware they aren't there. Again, I'm not stupid. Still, it doesn't make functioning any easier to know that the monsters waving in the periphery are only figments of the electrical pulses in my brain. Have you ever tried having a conversation with a friend or co-worker when other people were demanding your attention right then? Imagine that the other people are invisible and inaudible, and try to carry on the discussion. Try going grocery shopping with a constant barrage of yelling being directed at you. Try to study with constant movement in your peripheral vision, and random taps on the shoulder.

Annoying doesn't begin to cover it.

In addition to schizophrenia, I have complex PTSD complicated by depersonalization disorder. Depersonalization disorder is a dissociative condition common in trauma victims. It is a survival mechanism, an escape hatch during abusive or overly triggering situations. The abused person starts to tune out, turn off, stop being there for the event. The most common symptoms are detachment, losing time, or feeling as though one is having an out-of-body experience. Complex PTSD and depersonalization disorder mean I have high anxiety levels and that I experience those out-of-body states. When I'm really in a bad way, I don't recognize myself in the mirror and am unable to perform simple tasks. Can you imagine the horror of not being able to work the coffeepot in the morning, or to remember how to brush your teeth?

The complex PTSD and the depersonalization disorder are the product of a lifetime of pervasive and consistent verbal, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of parents, clergy, intimate partners, and of having been raped by a fellow troop while on active duty. The schizophrenia is a little harder to pin down, but most geneticists believe it is a combination of nature and nurture.

[I]n a September, 2004 presentation Dr. Daniel Weinberger, Director of the Genes, Cognition and Psychosis Program, at the National Institute of Mental Health" stated that he estimated the current number of genes variations linked to schizophrenia was approximately 10. The gene variations that have been identified as being linked to schizophrenia are common in every population - but he believes that it is likely that if a person has a number of these gene variations then the risk of developing schizophrenia begins to rise. The more of these gene variations that a person has, the greater the risk of developing schizophrenia. For example, in 2002 researchers led by NIMH’s Dr. Daniel Weinberger linked a gene on chromosome 22 to a near-doubled risk of schizophrenia.

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