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8 Most Disgusting 'Foods' Fed to Children

Remember Fruit by the Foot and giant pixy stix?

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(6) Surge — Full disclosure: I have probably consumed more of this entry than anything else on this list. Anyway, for those of you fortunate/unfortunate enough not to have had Surge at some point during your childhood, it was a fairly short-lived soda manufactured by the Coca-Cola corporation that originated as a Norwegian soft drink called "Urge" (presumably, the next incarnation would've been called "Scourge," and would've been a lot more accurate). It was allegedly citrus-based, and was specifically designed to compete with Mountain Dew. Unfortunately, Coca-Cola's marketing strategy appeared to consist of the following:

Step 1: Create motor oil-tasting fountain beverage.

Step 2: ???????????

Step 3: PROFIT!

Part of the "appeal" of Surge was that it was supposed to be the more "edgy" and "extreme" and "fucking obnoxious" counterpart to Mountain Dew. Which I guess is accurate, if your definition of "extreme" includes turning your internal organs into a scale model of the East River. I am honestly kind of astounded that Surge didn't figure prominently into the origin story of at least one Spider-Man villain.

(7) Funyuns — I swear to God, these things have to be some sort of cosmic joke. What the fuck even ARE they?! It's like the murdered, vengeful Ghost of Onions Past had sex with a pork rind and gave birth to a stoner's fever dream. When you eat a bag of Funyons, you're basically just eating fried packing peanuts. More importantly: WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL BUY THESE THINGS? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why.

(8) Otter Pops/Icy Pops — These have many names depending on where you're from, but it all boils down to the same thing: a plastic tube filled with radioactive, multicolored liquid that you're supposed to freeze before you eat. While there's no evidence that I can find that these things cause cancer, don't they just look like they should? It really feels like you should be able to describe them as frozen cancer sticks. Can we pretend they cause cancer for the sake of the joke? Cool. FUCKING CANCERSICLES, GET OFF MY LAWN.

Follow C.A. Pinkham on Twitter: @EyePatchGuy.

 
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