Why Caffeine Is the Perfect Addiction for a Worker Bee Society

According to a new study released this week, caffeine turns human beings into efficient worker bees. Led by Katharine Ker of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, the study found that caffeine "significantly reduced the number of errors" made by workers in a series of 13 trials. "One trial comparing the effects of caffeine with a nap found that there were significantly less errors made in the caffeine group," reads the official report.

What? Coffee beats naps?

"The results of the trials suggest that compared to no intervention, caffeine can reduce the number of errors and improve cognitive performance in shift workers. ... Based on the current evidence, the review authors judge that there is no reason for healthy shift workers who already use caffeine within recommended levels to improve their alertness to stop doing so."

The study focused on "shift workers" — that is, those who work at times other than 9-to-5. Granted, sleeping by day and working by night can throw body clocks off-kilter, so such workers are atypical. But the LSHTM report was picked up and spread so quickly by the mainstream media as to confirm that caffeine is America's favorite legal high because it fuels capitalism. Not that capitalism totally sucks, but still: It's good to know why you're being sold central-nervous-system stimulants. Crack users aren't good workers. Neither marijuana, methamphetamine, heroin, nor LSD increase workplace efficiency. (Neither does alcohol, yet alcohol is just as cheap and legal as caffeine. But alcohol has been ingrained in human culture for too long to yank it out, as Prohibition proved.)

"Caffeine Drinkers Make Fewer Mistakes," blares the Web site for Denver's ABC station, KMGH. Other headlines capping the same story in other mainstream venues include "Study: Caffeine Makes You Do Better Job," "Morning cup of coffee can increase workplace performance," and "Caffeine Helps Shift Workers Avoid Mistakes." "Caffeine may curb errors," asserts the UK's Guardian. "Coffee is best perk for sleepy workers," confides India's national daily paper The Hindu. "Shift workers knew it, researchers confirm it: Caffeine helps," roars the Los Angeles Times.

Well, that's convenient.

Anything to further enhance caffeine's image in the public mind: Hey, it's not just delicious and fun to drink. Starbucks, Rockstar and Red Bull aren't merely some of the world's most recognizable brands. Caffeine doesn't just let you play World of Warcraft longer, faster and harder. It helps you work, mistake-free, as do your contact lenses and your college degree. And in this economy, who can afford to make mistakes at work?

This counts for students, too. While coffee represents a $60 billion-plus global industry, supported almost entirely by adult consumers, energy drinks comprise a $6 billion-plus global industry whose demographics tilt younger. According to Simmons Research, 31 percent of American teenagers — about 7.6 million — regularly consume caffeinated energy drinks. Kids with caffeine habits enrich not only companies that sell caffeine but also companies those kids will work for when they grow up — unless too much caffeine makes them sick or even kills them before that.

As coffee culture booms, auxiliary industries leap into the act. Linking to a story in the Fayetteville, NC Observer headlined "Rising Coffee Popularity Among Teens Raises Health Concerns," the trade journal VendingMarketWatch.com tells its readers: "The most important takeaway from this report for vending and coffee service operators is the continued rising popularity of coffee among young people. The coffee business is the healthiest segment of the refreshment service industry."