Is the Fermented Tea Kombucha Really the Healing Wonder Drink It's Cracked Up to Be?

They say it cures cancer. They—and by "they" I mean the nameless, faceless but seemingly unlimited horde of strangers on the Internet—also say it cures diabetes, migraines, asthma, acne, AIDS, hangovers, psoriasis, insomnia, fatigue, bronchitis, arteriosclerosis, bad eyesight, cold sores and erectile dysfunction. They say it reverses the aging process, smoothing out wrinkles, growing hair on formerly bald scalps and transforming gray heads back into brown, black, red and blonde. They say it soothes menstrual cramps, smoothes cellulite and cures cancer. They're talking about kombucha, a fermented tea drink containing probiotics, polyphenols, amino acids, enzymes, minerals and more. It tastes pickled, sparkly and faintly alive. Sometimes it contains small, slimy lumps that slither down your throat. But, hey.

I'm a hypochondriac. Not the cartoon kind who haunts doctors offices demanding daily MRIs and colonoscopies for nonexistent heart murmurs and rare tropical parasites. My hypochondria is more selective, more refined. I fear only one ailment: cancer. The moment I detect the slightest spot or twitch, I am convinced it can mean only one thing, and that it's terminal. My mind arrives at this conclusion automatically and instantly. I've never had cancer, nor have any known relatives. I'm physically fit, a vegetarian for 20 years, and have never smoked or worked in hazardous industries. Yet by the time I even start to marshal a rational thought, it's too late and I'm having a panic attack. I'm working on this issue now, addressing fear as an addiction, but all my life I have been its slave, quivering on its spike.

How then should I respond to rumors that a drink made of fermented tea can not only cure but also prevent everything I fear?

More importantly, how should people respond who have been diagnosed, are undergoing treatment, and/or have survived but remain ever-vigilant? When word spreads of magical potions, ears prick up. Hearts race. When tales circle the world of an elixir that not only breaks the wicked curse already cast but also renders the drinker invincible against all future curses, wow. How irresistible is that? Four-dollars-per-16-ounce-bottle irresistible? Sweet-and-sour-soda irresistible? Among the sick of body and mind, amazing claims spur hope. And for many, hope is worth more than all the money in the world.

"Originating over 2000 years ago, brewed with care and blended to perfection, this detoxifying energy drink restores balance and energizes the mind," reads one kombucha company's Web site. "For centuries," reads another, "the wise ones descended each year from their aeries high in the Himalayas to harvest spring tea that grew in the valley below. The tea went back up, high in the mountains where it was blended according to an ancient formula, creating kombucha—a delicious, effervescent wonder drink that has for thousands of years conferred its wonderful benefits on all who drink it: good health, great longevity, inner serenity and incisive mental clarity."

"European women," reads another, "have been passing down the recipe as a beauty tonic to their daughters and granddaughters for generations." Celebrities like Madonna, Halle Berry, Cher and Orlando Bloom are photographed sipping it. After being treated for cancer in the 1980s, Ronald Reagan is said to have consumed a liter of kombucha every day.

We want to believe.

When black or green tea is fermented with sugar and combined with a flying saucer-shaped whitish blob many mistake for a mushroom but which is actually a culture, the result is kombucha. Some call it a scoby, the acronym for "symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast"—the blob is scientifically classified as a zoogleal mat. Kept at the right temperature under the right conditions, a single mat will expand and replicate continuously. The finished beverage contains much-hailed detoxifiers, membrane-strengtheners, free-radical scavengers, immunity-boosters, anti-inflammatories, antibacterials, antibiotics and anti-parasiticals including malic acid, oxalic acid, butyric acid, gluconic acid, glucuronic acid, nucleic acid, vitamins B and C and beneficial yeasts. Understandably, it smells faintly of vinegar.